I had a bad night last night - overate again. I knew I wasn't hungry but I was eating. I haven't done that since I started journaling but I haven't been journaling very well on this trip. I did do a workout in the exercise room last night, at least.
Today is an easy day because work is so slow. I'll be taking the kids to the park in a little bit.
Tomorrow morning we're leaving this town and heading to the kids' grandma's house to spend the day. We'll stay the night in the same town and start driving home early on Sunday. I'll be happy to be home! And I can get back into my groove again.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Still Maintaining
I doubt I'm losing at the moment but I think I'm maintaining. At least my pants aren't getting any tighter, but neither are they any looser.
I'm still trying to keep a lid on the calories while eating out all of my meals. We were able to get some healthy snacks (low-cal fruit cups, baby carrots & Fiber One bars) to keep in the hotel room, but our main meals are still at restaurants. And for the last 2 days we've been having McDonald lunches because they have a playland, which allows the kids to burn off some steam from being cooped up in a tiny hotel suite.
Today I ate:
1/4 bagel w/ cream cheese (full fat so I kept the portion to a min)
1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half & half and 2 packets of sugar
4 oz yogurt
1st snack was 1/8 of a left-over veggie calzone & low-sugar diced peaches
Lunch:
Snack-sized chicken wrap
Snack-sized fruit & walnut salad
2nd snack was 2 fig bars and lightly sweetened tea
I'm not sure what I'll have for dinner, but I plan for it to feature a lot of veggies or a large salad. Maybe a taco salad? I read those can been healthy if not in a shell.
Plan on hitting the hotel gym for a late workout after hubby is back and probably after dinner. This particular hotel only offers a couple treadmills and eliptical machines, no weight machines, but I'll do some Pilates work too I think.
We'll still be in WA for another few days. I'll defo be glad when we finally get home!
I'm still trying to keep a lid on the calories while eating out all of my meals. We were able to get some healthy snacks (low-cal fruit cups, baby carrots & Fiber One bars) to keep in the hotel room, but our main meals are still at restaurants. And for the last 2 days we've been having McDonald lunches because they have a playland, which allows the kids to burn off some steam from being cooped up in a tiny hotel suite.
Today I ate:
1/4 bagel w/ cream cheese (full fat so I kept the portion to a min)
1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half & half and 2 packets of sugar
4 oz yogurt
1st snack was 1/8 of a left-over veggie calzone & low-sugar diced peaches
Lunch:
Snack-sized chicken wrap
Snack-sized fruit & walnut salad
2nd snack was 2 fig bars and lightly sweetened tea
I'm not sure what I'll have for dinner, but I plan for it to feature a lot of veggies or a large salad. Maybe a taco salad? I read those can been healthy if not in a shell.
Plan on hitting the hotel gym for a late workout after hubby is back and probably after dinner. This particular hotel only offers a couple treadmills and eliptical machines, no weight machines, but I'll do some Pilates work too I think.
We'll still be in WA for another few days. I'll defo be glad when we finally get home!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Quick Update
Just a quick update. I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in Washington with hubby and the rest of the fam. Its been super busy, but mostly in a good way.
Eating has been going okay. I've made some really good choices and some less than good choices. The good thing is that when I've made bad choices, I've at least kept to approximate correct portion sizes. And I haven't eaten to the point of over fullness.
Exercise has been more difficult. I exercised on Thursday before we left but nothing on Friday. On Saturday, I did quite a bit of walking with the kids and some walking on Sunday. Yesterday I hardly did any exercise, but I was chasing the baby around quite a bit. Today I haven't done any exercise at all. I really need to do some upper body and core body exercises. But, I think the hotel we're in now has an exercise room so I can take advantage of that later tonight.
Eating has been going okay. I've made some really good choices and some less than good choices. The good thing is that when I've made bad choices, I've at least kept to approximate correct portion sizes. And I haven't eaten to the point of over fullness.
Exercise has been more difficult. I exercised on Thursday before we left but nothing on Friday. On Saturday, I did quite a bit of walking with the kids and some walking on Sunday. Yesterday I hardly did any exercise, but I was chasing the baby around quite a bit. Today I haven't done any exercise at all. I really need to do some upper body and core body exercises. But, I think the hotel we're in now has an exercise room so I can take advantage of that later tonight.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Day 4
Today started out pretty bad and got even worse. Actually, it started last night when I got into a whopper of a fight with dear hubby and went to bed at like 7pm, just to escape the crisis. I woke this morning feeling sorry for myself and deeply unhappy. I skipped the journaling, as I just wasn't in the mood. I climbed over and through the clutter of the hallway and the living room (hubby was left in charge of the kids last night) and swept a stack of dishes aside to reach the coffee pot. I stumbled to the office and grumpily began trolling emails. Twice I went in to talk to hubby to settle things, but he was pretty much unresponsive.
DH and I finally got around to having another go at solving our problems from about 11 am to 2 pm, when we had to start getting ready to go to our daughter's graduation. The good thing is hubby finally saw my POV. It doesn't change anything - we still face each other on opposing sides - but its nice that he at least understands where I'm coming from.
I ate 4 pieces of toast for breakfast and then nothing until after the graduation. I had hubby take me to a one-step-up from fast food taco stand restaurant where I ordered a nice, fattening burrito and ate 2/3s of it. I came home and was going to work out but the house was a wreck and I'm sore from yesterday's workout, so I grabbed a glass of wine and popped Robbie Williams into the stereo and started cleaning instead. I forget that cleaning can be cathartic. By the time I'd got the floor swept and the carpet vacuumed, I felt much better.
I feel a little perturbed with myself for the burrito, but not too badly. I also kinda wish that I'd gone ahead and exercised anyway, but I'm much too tired now. I think I'm just going to chill for the evening and start tomorrow in a better frame of mind.
DH and I finally got around to having another go at solving our problems from about 11 am to 2 pm, when we had to start getting ready to go to our daughter's graduation. The good thing is hubby finally saw my POV. It doesn't change anything - we still face each other on opposing sides - but its nice that he at least understands where I'm coming from.
I ate 4 pieces of toast for breakfast and then nothing until after the graduation. I had hubby take me to a one-step-up from fast food taco stand restaurant where I ordered a nice, fattening burrito and ate 2/3s of it. I came home and was going to work out but the house was a wreck and I'm sore from yesterday's workout, so I grabbed a glass of wine and popped Robbie Williams into the stereo and started cleaning instead. I forget that cleaning can be cathartic. By the time I'd got the floor swept and the carpet vacuumed, I felt much better.
I feel a little perturbed with myself for the burrito, but not too badly. I also kinda wish that I'd gone ahead and exercised anyway, but I'm much too tired now. I think I'm just going to chill for the evening and start tomorrow in a better frame of mind.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Inner Migration
So far, so good on the journaling to weight loss. I always scoffed at the idea because I figured I used to write in a journal for years and I was still heavy. But, it's apparently about what you're focusing to write about. Since it's all about "what makes me eat" I'm learning some stuff about me that I knew but didn't know.
Today's entry went back to sugar. When I was a kid, my mother was fanatical about sugar. My parents didn't buy junk food, soda or even juice. Lunch from as far back as I can remember consisted of a squished PB & J and an apple. We had milk (warm by lunchtime) in a thermos. Once, the milk was kinda going off, so my mother added choco syrup to hide the taste of turning milk. We LOVED it lol. That was the only time that happened that I can recall.
I remember being 6 or 7 and sitting at a picnic table, watching a friend of mine eat his lunch. He had a sandwich like mine, only his was cut into triangles and wasn't squished. He also had juice and cookies to go with his sandwich. I also remember being terribly jealous of the kids who got hot lunch because they ALWAYS got juice with their lunch.
My mother was so fanatical about sugar, my parents bought sugar packets so they could dole out ONE to put on our oatmeal. We never had sugared cereal. We never had candy, cookies, cakes, etc. We did not have dessert after dinner, ever.
The only time we got junk food or soda was on very special occasions and holidays. I remember every year my dad's work would host a barbecue. There were always trashcans full of sodas and my sisters and I would gulp down soda after soda, just to get as much as possible while we could. We always grabbed one on the way out, too, and then drank it as slowly as possible to make it last as long as possible.
Both my surviving sister and I are sugar whores as adults. Is it any wonder that we have both struggled with our weights since leaving home? I still get a thrill going to the grocery store when I get to choose to buy a sugared cereal or plain ol corn flakes. Thankfully, I've primarily lost my taste for sugared cereals and a lot of the snack foods kids love (like twinkies) but I still sometimes feel the need to have one just because I can.
Fast forward to today. I have determined 2 times during the day when I am most likely to overeat. The first is during work time and the second is after work during relax time. Here is what I think are the reasons:
1. Work time: I am BORED by my job. It is very rarely challenging. I have been doing the same job for the last 10 years with little variation. I also feel stuck because this is the only job I know I could do to earn as much money as I do and be able to work from home.
When I first started working way, way long ago, I worked as a secretary for Kaiser. It wasn't a hard job and once I'd really gotten efficient at it, I began to feel bored and tired. One day, I bought a bag of coffee-candy to help keep me awake. They were coffee-infused hard candies. Every time I would feel bored or tired, I would pop a candy. Soon, I was taking other candy to work and other sweets. I learned: bored? pop a candy. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months.
I think because candy and sweets were associated with the best holidays and events in my childhood, eating candy when I was bored at work was like imagining yourself on a desert island, with the blue ocean and soft breeze and sun on your skin. It was my escapism to a happier place.
2. Relax time: After spending 6 - 8 hours doing a job I don't like, chasing after a 1 year old off and on all day, cooking and cleaning, doing my workout, by 10 pm when I get ME time I'm DONE. So, I sit down to read a book or watch a movie. Only, these activities aren't that satisfying because I do them almost every night. They're kinda boring now, even the good ones. I feel cheated somehow. I've done what I needed to do, why can't I then have some real enjoyment time? Why is hubby on his computer and not interested in spending time with me? Why can't I just go out and do something with a friend after work? Oh yeah, cuz I don't have friends in this town.
Discontent sinks in. Boredom sinks in. Feeling hard done by sinks in.
Food is my elixir, my distraction, my reward, my love. Candy & Soda = happiness. I DESERVE that happiness for all the things I've done that I don't like to and all the things I don't get to do that I want to.
Last night was no different. I was just sitting down to read a book when I suddenly wanted some of the kids' cereal. My stomach contracted as though I was honestly hungry, even though I KNOW I couldn't possibly be hungry because I had a good sized dinner. I so badly wanted that cereal, I could already taste it. It knew would make me feel good. I would feel good if I ate that cereal. I would have my food and my book and I would be HAPPY.
Except that I know I won't. Maybe for the first bite or two, but then 2 things will happen: 1. The food will ultimately be a let-down. It never tastes as good as I imagined it would. It doesn't satisfy. It isn't what I REALLY wanted, so I would go on a quest for what I REALLY want and end up eating and eating until I can't eat any more. 2. I will feel really, really bad about myself for giving in. I will gain weight instead of lose and I will feel I failed again.
Food will NOT make me happy.
Food does NOT = happiness. Food does NOT = reward.
This is my new mantra. Remember in Finding Nemo, when the white shark was trying to stop eating fish? His mantra was: Fish are friends, not food. My mantra is: Food is nourishment not happiness.
I need to find a new reward system for myself.
Today's entry went back to sugar. When I was a kid, my mother was fanatical about sugar. My parents didn't buy junk food, soda or even juice. Lunch from as far back as I can remember consisted of a squished PB & J and an apple. We had milk (warm by lunchtime) in a thermos. Once, the milk was kinda going off, so my mother added choco syrup to hide the taste of turning milk. We LOVED it lol. That was the only time that happened that I can recall.
I remember being 6 or 7 and sitting at a picnic table, watching a friend of mine eat his lunch. He had a sandwich like mine, only his was cut into triangles and wasn't squished. He also had juice and cookies to go with his sandwich. I also remember being terribly jealous of the kids who got hot lunch because they ALWAYS got juice with their lunch.
My mother was so fanatical about sugar, my parents bought sugar packets so they could dole out ONE to put on our oatmeal. We never had sugared cereal. We never had candy, cookies, cakes, etc. We did not have dessert after dinner, ever.
The only time we got junk food or soda was on very special occasions and holidays. I remember every year my dad's work would host a barbecue. There were always trashcans full of sodas and my sisters and I would gulp down soda after soda, just to get as much as possible while we could. We always grabbed one on the way out, too, and then drank it as slowly as possible to make it last as long as possible.
Both my surviving sister and I are sugar whores as adults. Is it any wonder that we have both struggled with our weights since leaving home? I still get a thrill going to the grocery store when I get to choose to buy a sugared cereal or plain ol corn flakes. Thankfully, I've primarily lost my taste for sugared cereals and a lot of the snack foods kids love (like twinkies) but I still sometimes feel the need to have one just because I can.
Fast forward to today. I have determined 2 times during the day when I am most likely to overeat. The first is during work time and the second is after work during relax time. Here is what I think are the reasons:
1. Work time: I am BORED by my job. It is very rarely challenging. I have been doing the same job for the last 10 years with little variation. I also feel stuck because this is the only job I know I could do to earn as much money as I do and be able to work from home.
When I first started working way, way long ago, I worked as a secretary for Kaiser. It wasn't a hard job and once I'd really gotten efficient at it, I began to feel bored and tired. One day, I bought a bag of coffee-candy to help keep me awake. They were coffee-infused hard candies. Every time I would feel bored or tired, I would pop a candy. Soon, I was taking other candy to work and other sweets. I learned: bored? pop a candy. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months.
I think because candy and sweets were associated with the best holidays and events in my childhood, eating candy when I was bored at work was like imagining yourself on a desert island, with the blue ocean and soft breeze and sun on your skin. It was my escapism to a happier place.
2. Relax time: After spending 6 - 8 hours doing a job I don't like, chasing after a 1 year old off and on all day, cooking and cleaning, doing my workout, by 10 pm when I get ME time I'm DONE. So, I sit down to read a book or watch a movie. Only, these activities aren't that satisfying because I do them almost every night. They're kinda boring now, even the good ones. I feel cheated somehow. I've done what I needed to do, why can't I then have some real enjoyment time? Why is hubby on his computer and not interested in spending time with me? Why can't I just go out and do something with a friend after work? Oh yeah, cuz I don't have friends in this town.
Discontent sinks in. Boredom sinks in. Feeling hard done by sinks in.
Food is my elixir, my distraction, my reward, my love. Candy & Soda = happiness. I DESERVE that happiness for all the things I've done that I don't like to and all the things I don't get to do that I want to.
Last night was no different. I was just sitting down to read a book when I suddenly wanted some of the kids' cereal. My stomach contracted as though I was honestly hungry, even though I KNOW I couldn't possibly be hungry because I had a good sized dinner. I so badly wanted that cereal, I could already taste it. It knew would make me feel good. I would feel good if I ate that cereal. I would have my food and my book and I would be HAPPY.
Except that I know I won't. Maybe for the first bite or two, but then 2 things will happen: 1. The food will ultimately be a let-down. It never tastes as good as I imagined it would. It doesn't satisfy. It isn't what I REALLY wanted, so I would go on a quest for what I REALLY want and end up eating and eating until I can't eat any more. 2. I will feel really, really bad about myself for giving in. I will gain weight instead of lose and I will feel I failed again.
Food will NOT make me happy.
Food does NOT = happiness. Food does NOT = reward.
This is my new mantra. Remember in Finding Nemo, when the white shark was trying to stop eating fish? His mantra was: Fish are friends, not food. My mantra is: Food is nourishment not happiness.
I need to find a new reward system for myself.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Day 2
I am having a much better day today. Here's what I've eaten so far:
Coffee w/ non-fat milk & 2 tsp sugar
Light whole-grain English muffin w/ light margarine
1 cup of sliced fresh strawberries
Chicken enchilada diet frozen dinner
Light ice cream bar (100 cal)
3 glasses of water
Not sure what I'm going to have for dinner yet.
I also got my exercising in (20 mins intermediate Pilates & 65 mins on the treadmill). I still have a few hours of work to do thanks to a late start. Although, I'm seriously considering ditching the work and just chillin the rest of the evening. I'll see how I feel.
Tomorrow, I really need to have an early start.
Coffee w/ non-fat milk & 2 tsp sugar
Light whole-grain English muffin w/ light margarine
1 cup of sliced fresh strawberries
Chicken enchilada diet frozen dinner
Light ice cream bar (100 cal)
3 glasses of water
Not sure what I'm going to have for dinner yet.
I also got my exercising in (20 mins intermediate Pilates & 65 mins on the treadmill). I still have a few hours of work to do thanks to a late start. Although, I'm seriously considering ditching the work and just chillin the rest of the evening. I'll see how I feel.
Tomorrow, I really need to have an early start.
Re-Charge
We had a good weekend, the fam and I. Yesterday my 13 year old had a pre-graduation (from middle school) party and today we went to a local museum to see Sue, the T-Rex. We also took the kids to a kind of petting zoo, although all they really had to pet today was some sheep and dogs. But, that's living in the boonies for you.
I did horribly with my diet yesterday and didn't exercise at all on Friday and Saturday. In fact, I went a day over my 5 free days and lost my goal of 100 days at like 52 days. Not good, eh? I'm starting over, though. Today is Day 1 of exercise/on plan eating. I'll try again for 100 days.
Yesterday I ate all the junk food with the kiddos, including (but not limited to) chips, veggies and full-fat ranch, pizza, soda and cake. I didn't limit myself at all. I wasn't thinking that I had given up on my weight loss efforts and that I would just accept being fat, but I really didn't care what I would weigh today.
Today, of course, I cared a bit more. And I was UP. But, that's okay. I just accepted that today was a new start and I would continue to do the best I could each day. I bought a journal to start writing in so I can figure out what is making me want to overeat. Whenever I feel like eating when I know good and well that I am not hungry, I'm going to write in my journal instead. At least, that's the plan. And I'm not going to worry about the fat/calorie content of everything I put in my mouth; I'm going to concentrate on just not eating past the point when I'm no longer hungry.
Take today, for example. Because we were out running around, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. I could have gone with a salad or some other low-fat/low-calorie food, but I knew that I would just crave the cheeseburger and feel jilted somehow. I knew I wouldn't actually like eating the salad (I HATE fast-food salads) and I wouldn't be satisfied. So, instead I got a McChicken sandwich (no fries or soda) and had a bite of hubby's burger. And that was it, I was satisfied. I didn't eat a bizilion calories but neither did I feel I got cheated somehow. I had control.
Tonight, we went out to dinner again, to support a friend who has a restaruant. We know its totally not easy for this friend right now, so we try to eat there whenever we can. I ordered a chicken burrito. I ate less than half and boxed the rest. I didn't cut the burrito first or make a decision on how much I would consume before I started eating. Instead, I ate until I recognized that I was no longer hungry and then I stopped. I also ate a few of the tortilla chips. But, not more than half a dozen and I was happy with that.
I still want to focus on eating healthy foods, but not to the point where I feel I can't eat a burger when I don't want a salad. I want to eat healthy, but I want a healthy relationship with food more.
I wrote my first journal entry this afternoon. I wasn't fighting wanting to eat, but I wanted to get the ball rolling. I wrote out a committment to myself to try to get to the cause of my overeating. I then wrote the 5 things I am happy with in my life (because I want to learn to focus on the positives and not the negatives as I tend to dwell) and then 5 things I am working on improving in my life.
We did a bit of walking today and then I followed that up with a Pilates DVD. This was an intermediate workout I'd borrowed from the library and, you know, I was able to do most of the exercises! I'm still not as limber as the girls on the DVD, but I can do the Roll-Up! I can do full sit-ups and hold myself on my butt with my feet in the air and my back in the air! I remember when I couldn't do a tenth of the beginner exercises. I've really come a long way with my fitness and that is definitely something to be proud of.
I know my journey has been cluttered with trip hazards and I have fallen off the wagon more times than I can count, but the important thing is that I keep trying, I keep getting on that damn wagon and I keep working to an improved, happier lifestyle. I just have to take it one day, one stumble at a time. And focus on the triumphs!
I did horribly with my diet yesterday and didn't exercise at all on Friday and Saturday. In fact, I went a day over my 5 free days and lost my goal of 100 days at like 52 days. Not good, eh? I'm starting over, though. Today is Day 1 of exercise/on plan eating. I'll try again for 100 days.
Yesterday I ate all the junk food with the kiddos, including (but not limited to) chips, veggies and full-fat ranch, pizza, soda and cake. I didn't limit myself at all. I wasn't thinking that I had given up on my weight loss efforts and that I would just accept being fat, but I really didn't care what I would weigh today.
Today, of course, I cared a bit more. And I was UP. But, that's okay. I just accepted that today was a new start and I would continue to do the best I could each day. I bought a journal to start writing in so I can figure out what is making me want to overeat. Whenever I feel like eating when I know good and well that I am not hungry, I'm going to write in my journal instead. At least, that's the plan. And I'm not going to worry about the fat/calorie content of everything I put in my mouth; I'm going to concentrate on just not eating past the point when I'm no longer hungry.
Take today, for example. Because we were out running around, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. I could have gone with a salad or some other low-fat/low-calorie food, but I knew that I would just crave the cheeseburger and feel jilted somehow. I knew I wouldn't actually like eating the salad (I HATE fast-food salads) and I wouldn't be satisfied. So, instead I got a McChicken sandwich (no fries or soda) and had a bite of hubby's burger. And that was it, I was satisfied. I didn't eat a bizilion calories but neither did I feel I got cheated somehow. I had control.
Tonight, we went out to dinner again, to support a friend who has a restaruant. We know its totally not easy for this friend right now, so we try to eat there whenever we can. I ordered a chicken burrito. I ate less than half and boxed the rest. I didn't cut the burrito first or make a decision on how much I would consume before I started eating. Instead, I ate until I recognized that I was no longer hungry and then I stopped. I also ate a few of the tortilla chips. But, not more than half a dozen and I was happy with that.
I still want to focus on eating healthy foods, but not to the point where I feel I can't eat a burger when I don't want a salad. I want to eat healthy, but I want a healthy relationship with food more.
I wrote my first journal entry this afternoon. I wasn't fighting wanting to eat, but I wanted to get the ball rolling. I wrote out a committment to myself to try to get to the cause of my overeating. I then wrote the 5 things I am happy with in my life (because I want to learn to focus on the positives and not the negatives as I tend to dwell) and then 5 things I am working on improving in my life.
We did a bit of walking today and then I followed that up with a Pilates DVD. This was an intermediate workout I'd borrowed from the library and, you know, I was able to do most of the exercises! I'm still not as limber as the girls on the DVD, but I can do the Roll-Up! I can do full sit-ups and hold myself on my butt with my feet in the air and my back in the air! I remember when I couldn't do a tenth of the beginner exercises. I've really come a long way with my fitness and that is definitely something to be proud of.
I know my journey has been cluttered with trip hazards and I have fallen off the wagon more times than I can count, but the important thing is that I keep trying, I keep getting on that damn wagon and I keep working to an improved, happier lifestyle. I just have to take it one day, one stumble at a time. And focus on the triumphs!
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