Monday, March 22, 2010


Things have calmed down and, no surprise, my eating has too. I've been doing fairly well with not eating beyond hunger for the past few days and am seeing my weight drop back to where it had been, in the high 140's. I'm hoping to start working on an actuall loss from that in the coming week. Exercise remains a good constant, and I think it's safe to say that it is really a part of my lifestyle now. I don't "dread" exercising or see it as something I have to do anymore, except for going to the gym and REALLY working hard :).

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Slowing Re-Gaining

I'm not deluding myself. I know that every morning I get on the scale it is a little higher than the day before. Nothing earthshattering, but half a pound here, a quarter of a pound there... it all adds up eventually. And it's all down to my eating. I CAN'T STOP EATING AT NIGHT! Seriously, I am eating toast with butter and jam at 11:00 pm. Or, as with last night, 2 candy bars and then a piece of sour dough bread with butter. And I can't seem to CARE. I mean, of course I care about gaining, but at the moment when I'm eating I really don't care. I don't care if I gain weight from processed, sugared, fattening food. I just want to eat it. In fact, I'm getting to the point where I'm kinda freaking out if I don't have something sweet to eat after dinner. Like something bad will happen if I don't get an after-dinner treat. So frustrating! I've purchased a book on dealing with emotional eating, but I have to actually READ the thing for it to potentially have any impact. That's my goal for tonight - to read the damn book. And NOT have an after-dinner sweet.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Tough Week - Tougher Weekend

Its been a stressful and difficult week followed by an even more difficult weekend. Several things are going on at once - my husband is waiting hopefully for a job offer for which he interviewed the week before. We're looking for another house to move into it. And work has been very slow in his area for my husband. We are stressing about money, as always, and two of the kids were sick. As a result, I've been hyper-sensitive with my friends and misreading things into what they've said and done. Not a great combination.

Then we learned that my husband would be spending all of next week in California. And Monday is our anniversary. I was definitely not happy about either - that he would be gone for a week and that he would be gone during our anniversary - but I was glad that he had work.

So, we decided to celebrate our anniversary on Friday night. We got a babysitter and got a ways down the road and then had to turn back. My husband had a migraine and was not going to be able to enjoy a night out. He was going to soldier on but I thought that was ridiculous and pointless. So, we pushed it off to the next night.

Saturday I decided to get my hair cut and styled in the late afternoon so I would look fantastic (or as fantastic as possible) for our date. Of course, the hair stylist cut off way too much - instead of being shoulder-length, it is ear-length. Of course, sitting in the stylist's chair, all I could see was how fat my face was no matter what my hair looked like, which was super depressing.

When I got out of the hairdresser's, I could immediately tell by my husband's face that he hated it. I finally asked what he didn't like about it and he said that it has the same effect on my face as horizontal stripes has on an overweight women's body - in other words, my face now looks fatter thanks to the new hairdo. As if that wasn't devastating enough, I'm also pms'ing, stressing and about as hypersensitive as a person could get at this point. So, of course I start crying like a baby. Which pisses my husband off because he hates crying and he feels bad for making me cry. So, instead of heading out for our date, he turns toward home.

At home, we talk it out. He apologizes for the comment but said he'd been upset with me because he loves my hair long. I told him I hadn't exactly asked for such short hair and, even if I had, there was no reason to make me feel worse about it; even if he was only confirming my fears. This is the problem with living with someone who is too honest. He really will tell me if my ass looks fat in a pair of pants but when he says the pants look great, I know they do. Its difficult.

Anyway, so after talking everything out and getting over the trauma of a bad haircut, we finally went out. And it was okay - there was too much tension between us still to be anything better. The only positive note, really, was that I chose half a tuna sandwich and cesar salad for dinner rather than something greasy and fattening.

Not that I haven't been eating greasy and fattening the last week. I've been completely pigging out again. I feel adrift from my goals and incapable of sustaining a diet for more than a couple days.

But, in an attempt to improve, I purchased enough veggies to feed an army, eggs, whole grain bread and beans. I'll cook some chicken a couple nights this week but my goal is to otherwise eat just veggies, whole grain bread, eggs and beans. Let's see if it works....

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Quick weigh in post.

Weight: 148.8
Lost: 1

Not bad, considering how I've been eating (chinese takeout, chocolate cake, etc.).

Walk, walk, walk

I keep intending to engage in a high intensity workout, but so far this week that hasn't happened. Day 88, Thursday, I walked with a friend. Not far, just around the neighborhood, per usual. Day 87, Friday, I walked with another friend around her neighborhood. Day 86, today, I'm, again, going for a walk with a friend. I guess I should be happy that I have friends to walk with. I know a lot of people would love to have friends to walk with everyday and I do love to walk with them. However, I do also need to do some form of high intensity workout. Tomorrow I MUST go to the gym.

On another topic, work has been VERY slow for my husband. In fact, he didn't work at all last week. I'm feeling very stressed about that. Hoping it turns around next week.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day 89

Today was, yet again, a walk day. I really need to amp up my workouts and I keep saying that I will, but I never do.

So, lots of changes coming our way. The house we are renting is going into foreclosure so we need to move and hubby is in the midst of switching jobs. That should make for a nice and stressful month!

Nothing else going, though. I've been HORRIBLE with my eating and not losing weight and same ol, same ol.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Day 91

Today was a walk day. At like 10 minutes before the scheduled group walk, it looked like no one was going to join me today. Then I texted one girl who said she would go. Then I got a call from a person in my mom's group who wants to start walking and then another member of our walking group just showed up at the last minute. So we all walked - albeit not very far or fast because one of our group had her daughter on her second bike ride with us, which required quite a few stops here and there. No matter, we all had a good time. The kids played in the park afterward and they always enjoy that.