Craziness

Its been crazy around here, what with the move tomorrow. I've been trying to keep the house clean for showings and pack and work on top of it. During the past week and a half, I've been covering for another girl at work, which doubled my workload. I've literally been getting up, working, then moving on to packing and cleaning, until 10 or 11 each night. I'm already exhausted and we have the 3 biggest days ahead of us now, packing today and loading the truck tomorrow and driving to our new home the next day. At least it's finally about to be over.

On top of all that, I've been extremely stressed for some reason. I mean, I know I'm stressed about the move itself, stressed about all the minutae involved in moving, plus covering for a job I'm not comfortable with for lack of practice. Then the weird behavior from my daughter's friends mother and her birthday was 2 days later so I had to come up with a really good way to celebrate. I guess my 2 year old has been feeling my tension because he has been especially difficult, very whiney and demanding.

I was trying to track my weight but it was all over the place, as was my eating. Because of the packing and cleaning, I haven't exercised in over a week. But, I had to put that on the back burner. Once I get through this move and re-settled in Washington, I'll get back to serious exercising. Not that I'm giving up on my weight loss, but some things have to be set aside during this time. I'm still watching what I eat for the most part and conscious of it not being beneficial when I make less than good food choices. I'm also listening to several weight loss podcasts, which help too. I'm just head down, full steam ahead with this move and everything else is secondary.

I don't hold much hope of a good weight loss during this time (scale is packed) because I'm sure I'm made up of 50% water, 50% cortisol at the moment. I'm sometimes starving hungry and other times totally put off by food. I'm not sleeping well and I have a constant feeling of anxiety. I just hope I don't gain weight cuz that would be totally uncool.

Weigh-In

Weight: 159.8
Loss: 0.6

Progress! Finally down in the 150's. Small losses add up, right? I also made GREAT progress with regard to packing and cleaning over the weekend. I'm talking hours. In fact, on Sunday I started cleaning/packing Sunday at about 11am and didn't stop until nearly midnight. I was BEAT but it felt great. Don't ask me where all my energy is coming from but I've been like an energy bunny on crack. Must be the exercising over the last few months.

I believe I haven't had more of a weight loss for two reasons:

1. I've been eating on the run, which doesn't mean good food choices.
2. I haven't been drinking enough water by a long shot.

But, I'm doing better with it today. Just one day at a time. I've even been tracking my calories again, yay me.

So Bizarre (Off Topic)

Okay, so this is off topic, but it is going to bug me because I can't get my head around it and I need to not obsess over it and I'm hoping writing about it here will close the matter and I can move on to more important things to worry about.

So, I've written about parents of my teen daughter's friends who asked me outright for money a while back and I decided not to give them any. It was uncomfortable and I thought it might impact my daughter being friends with this girl, but then they never asked again and it seemed to be okay.

However, that is no longer the case. Fortunately, since we're moving, it doesn't matter.

So here's what happened. I had my daughter invite her friends of the same parents (twins) to our house to do some cleaning, for which I would pay them each $5 per hour, then eat pizza and watch a movie and hang out with my daughter in the evening. So, I picked them up and we spent two hours cleaning. Then we ate pizza and then they hung out and watched a movie until 11pm and then my husband took them home.

Then I get a phone call from the mother asking why her kids didn't have the money I said I would pay them for cleaning my house. Mind you, it's 11:30 pm and I'm somewhat taken aback, but while I'm thinking it's strange that she's calling about it, I'm not really taking it too seriously figuring I would drive the money over to them tomorrow. I tried to explain that I just hadn't thought about it before they left and in fact hadn't even seen them before they left. But, she cut me off and said she was coming over to get the money.

So, a few minutes later she's at the door and very rude about demanding that I give her kids the money. I try to say that I would have taken the money to them tomorrow and it certainly wasn't intentionally withheld from them but she talks over me and says how I shouldn't have kids clean my house and not pay them. Then she says that her kids are no longer welcome at my house. I'm like, no worries there! As they were leaving I only managed to throw out what a poor example she was showing her kids and a sorry to her kids for them being put on the spot like that and then she was gone.

It's so bizarre to me. She was SO angry, like I was robbing her or something. I can't imagine what she was thinking. And I guess I have to just leave it at that. At least it doesn't matter since we'll be gone in just over a week. Hopefully her husband isn't as crazy and decides to retaliate for us stealing from her kids...

Insomnia

I know you're supposed to sleep well and not stress when you're trying to lose weight, but moving house to another state is not helping with these. And I'm not eating that great because: a. I don't want to go shopping so I'm trying to use what I have left in the cupboard; b. I'm just too busy to necessarily cook something nutritious. I am doing okay, and not binge eating, so I can't castigate myself too much.

I didn't have a chance to exercise today (unless you count dumpster diving for boxes) but I kicked butt yesterday and the day before, so I figure I'm okay. Plus packing and cleaning burns calories, right? I like to leave a house pristine so I've been cleaning down walls, cabinets, doors, etc. I've scheduled some of my teen's friends to come around tomorrow and earn some money and pizza helping with cleaning, sorting, packing and organizing. Do I seem insane? Because I feel insane at the moment. Like an obsessive monkey with a pile of bananas.

I've been wanting to get to the 150's and I was FRUSTRATINGLY at 160.0 this morning. I tried learning on the counter just enough to see 159.8, but it went down to 117 so I guess I'm stronger than I thought. :)

Weigh-In

I nearly forgot to post my weigh-in, my first in a couple weeks.

Weight: 160.4
Loss: 0.4

I'm amazed I lost anything, to be honest. I had gained at least a pound on the trip. Just goes to show how a little effort makes a big dif. I'm bad to tracking calories on FitDay and exercising every day. In fact, I'm sitting in my workout clothes as I write, sweaty and probably smelling like a field of flowers... I don't know why I like sitting at the computer after I workout - it's an illness.

Anyhow, we're officially moving on 7/31, so I'm happy to get my workouts in. I did 30 mins treadmill on an incline and 30 mins on a fast, flat walk. I definitely need the happy hormones from exercising at the moment because I'm STESSY with this impending move.

BTW, I learned that Vitamin C helps battle weight gain when stressed. You probably already knew that, but I just learned that the other day. Suffice it to say, I'm swilling OJ and taking supplements (but not like so crazy I poison myself).

Straddling the Wagon

Not literally, because that would be painful.

Basically, I've been sorta exercising and sorta watching what I eat, but not really. I'm not "giving up" but neither am I putting much effort into my weight loss. I've had some minor weight gain over the past couple weeks - not enough to throw myself in front of a moving train, but enough to be annoying because that means I overate by 3500 to 7000 calories in a couple weeks, which is A LOT! Not to mention the fact that each pound loss is such a hurtle it always amazes me that I can so casually allow it back on.

And a pound is a lot. I know when we're talking 50, 70, 90, 100 pounds or more to lose, 1 pound seems miniscule and pathetic. But in terms of how much a pound actually represents in fat mass, it's quite a bit. A pound of fat is equivalent to four sticks of butter or 2 cups. Imagine having to grab a few sticks of butter and adding it to your body mass... not cool. So, while of course we don't want to become neurotic and obsessive (like, I'm totally not), its still good to remember that a pound is actually quite a bit of mass and we certainly want to celebrate every stick of butter we burn off and not shrug off every pound gained as if it were no more mass than a pea.

So, I'm climbing back onto my wagon and getting back to what worked before. That means tracking calories and exercising at around lunch time and either cleaning or walking in the evening. This has proven to be effective in the past. This formula got me to where I am today, which is having knocked off the equivalent of 100 sticks of butter. Thinking of it in those terms...why wouldn't I do it?

Busy Bee

It's been super busy since the wheels have really started moving on our relocation from California to Washington. We found a house, such as it is. After days and days of pounding the pavement and looking at house after house after house, we settled. No other word for it. I was on the second to last day before coming home and I pretty much decided before I saw the house that it was the last one and I would go with it. The fairies were playing along with that plan: The only houses we liked were horrible for young kids with don't-scratch-the-imported-wood-floors to miniscule, unfenced back yards and one that even backed onto a small cliff (beautiful views, of course) but this house that I had pre-decided on backs onto a private playground, fully fenced. Second, it was an extremely sunny day (first in a week) and so the house seemed light and airy. Third, there was no pressure to move in immediately as we'd had looking at other houses. And fourth, the landowner lives in our town - which is the fairies really working hard, in my opinion. Suffice it to say, it was a yes, yes, yes. However... the house is TINY compared to our current abode and not nearly as nice. Although, I do currently live in a half-million dollar house so that's unfair. The new house is 3 years old, grown out of a good neighborhood and has 4 bedrooms. But, it doesn't have an office, dining room (just a dining area off the kitchen) family room or bonus room. It is an open floor plan (read: they saved money by not bothering with walls in the kitchen, dining and living rooms) which I usually dislike but probably added to the light and airy feel of the house. The bedrooms are miniscule, but there are three bathrooms (go figure!).

Anyway, so we're moving in just under a month and the pressure is on. If I'm not obsessing over how I'm going to fit all my furniture without having to surf the surface of my couches and table to get to the kitchen, I'm obsessing over all the things we need to do to get from point a to point b. And there's a lot. Unfortunately, it hasn't been long enough since my last move. Moving house is like being pregnant, you have to space it with enough time from the last to give yourself a chance forget how bloody awful it is. The good news is I should be physically busy with all the packing and whatnot, although that may be undermined by the amount of cortisol running through my bloodstream. (Cortisol knowledge is compliments of Jillian Michaels podcast.)

As far as being on plan, I've been doing okay. Good days and bad, one following the other. I only managed about 3 days of concerted effort exercising in the pool and hotel gym, but better than nothing. And food choices were hit and miss. I managed to gain 1 or 2 pounds (not entirely sure because I had eaten a ton of overly salted pumpkin seeds on the drive home). Today I didn't exercise, which I had really meant to. Tomorrow for sure! I also had planned on a light dinner, but we ended up eating out because we were so busy and running errands all afternoon/evening. I had half a burrito with beef. I had thought I had ordered a bean and cheese burrito but apparently not. At least I only ate half, right? But I also finished eating the bag of boston baked beans I'd purchased the other day for the driving about. Ah well, at least its gone now.

I did manage to get to the grocery store and purchase enough fruit and veg to keep the entire fam constipated for a week.

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

Last night, I wasn't hungry. We'd had a rather trying day getting from grandma's house, across the ferry and over to Seattle in post-holiday traffic with a whiny 6 year old, moody 13 year old and a screaming 2 year old who knows how to exit his car seat despite numerous strappings and belts. (That's the strappings and belts on his car seat, not of the corporal punishment variety, although it was tempting after the 10th stop over along the freeway to put him back in his so called safety seat.) It took us over 4 hours to do a 2 hour trip, most of which was spent at a standstill, which infuriates my 2 year old to the point where I expect him to start cursing and shaking his fist at the drivers in front of us who have stopped.

After we finally got to our temporary destination, ate dinner and had a last visit with fam, we were back on the road to our next destination, the dreaded hotel. Upon arrival, my dear h had an assignment of his for me to complete because (in his words) I'm faster, better, stronger and he was nearly as frustrated as the 2 year old. Thus, he foisted his project onto me with pleadings, charm, promises, gratitude and the threat of a full-on temper if he had to spend another minute on it. I understood his frustration so I took it on, but I wasn't happy about it and he owes me BIG TIME.

Anyway, so he offered to go get me drink and food while I toiled over his project from about 7:30 pm to 1:30 am. In his guilt, he bought me lots of goodies, including (but not limited to) McD's fries, cokes, sweet teas, a candy bar, Mike N Ike's and kettle chips. I ate it ALL. I wasn't hungry, but I ate and ate and ate my way through the 6 hours of the project. I drank the teas, Pepsi and wine as he brought them to me.

I wasn't hungry and I felt kinda sick. But, I continued to eat.

Worse, I KNEW I was eating for emotional reasons, not because I needed to fuel my system. I was having my own hissy fit about the project, in the form of stuffing my face with h as the co-contributor.

At about 9pm, I had the thought that I should dump the last of the food, take a break from the project and work out for an hour or so in the hotel gym.

I discarded the idea. I didn't want to... I was feeling too sorry for myself. I knew I would feel better if I exercised and I chose to feel worse by eating instead. I remember making that conscious decision. Like when you decide to drive your car even though you've had a couple drinks and you know, you know and accept, that it could have really bad consequences. That sort of bad, but knowing, decision. Almost like you want to punish yourselt and half hope something bad WILL happen to you because of your decision. That's the choice I made last night.

Today, I'm trying to let go of yesterday. It happened, I made a bad choice and I will pay for it on the scale. But, it doesn't mean anything more than that, except to hope that I make the gym choice next time instead. If I don't, that's okay because there will always be a next time, a next opportunity to make the better choice. And life isn't all good or all bad choices. We have to accept that we will make bad choices, even when knowing we're making bad choices, and that we can't be perfect, will never be perfect, and shouldn't expect perfectionism from ourselves.

Weigh-In

Weight: 160.8
Loss: 0.6

All I can say about my weight loss is: RELIEF! There was a day since my last weigh-in when I was back up to 163 thanks to really bad eating, half-hearted workouts and late-night snacking. The last two days have been better. Actually, that's not even entirely true. But, yesterday I wanted McDonald's and I made a deal with myself that if I did a good workout AND didn't eat AT ALL after the McDonald's, then I could have a Big Mac Meal. I ended up giving half the fries and the soda away, but ate the entire burger (minus one hamburger patty because I only like one) and did not eat again the rest of the night, no matter how hungry I got. Actually, by the time I went to bed I wasn't all that hungry even though it'd been six hours since the burger, but I woke up with the baby at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep cuz I was starving. I knew I was suffering from a sugar low after the spike after eating so much refined carbs, but I still refused to eat. Is that crazy? Kinda, I'll admit. It wasn't just because of my weigh-in that I wanted to stick to my self-dictate to not eat again that night if I ate McDonald's, but I really wanted to be able to eat my taboo meal without a lot of guilt and angst. And because I did so well the rest of the night, I didn't have any guilt or angst about it, so it worked. Writing it all out now I can't help but think that I've crossed the sanity line, but whatev.

I'm a late-bloomer with technology and have only just "discovered" podcasts. This stuff is great to work out with! Or to avoid working! I'm listening to Jillian Michael's podcast today, which is both interesting and annoying. I hate her voice, btw. I don't hate her, but I don't like her voice - way too nasally and annoying. And she goes on and on and on about the same thing. But, I have already "learned" some interesting stuff so I'm sticking with it for the time being. I have other podcasts to explore that I downloaded, which I'll listen to on the neverending drive back to WA tomorrow. Lots of diet and fitness blogs out there. I feel like a grownup!