Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Weight: 154.8
Gain: 2

Yep, a gain this week. One could blame it on Christmas, but I know that isn't when I gained the weight. I actually did really well on Christmas day and the day following. It was the 27th, 28th and 29th that were the gut busters. I don't know why, but I was doing that know, where you can't stop eating, don't feel full even when your stomach is uncomfortably stuffed? When you can't seem to stop walking to the cupboard and/or fridge, over and over again, like every ten minutes or even five minutes. Sometimes you close it and walk away. Maybe even over and over, you walk to the fridge, open the door, look inside, close the door and walk away, only to return after 5 minutes and repeat the process. Once, twice, three times, then, on the fourth round, you grab a pudding cup, or a slice of cheese, or some bread and peanut butter. Make a quick snack. Then go back to what you were doing. Except, five minutes later, you're up and back at the fridge. Gazing at the shelves while you still have the taste of peanut butter in your mouth. And you know you aren't technically hungry, but you WANT to eat. Its not a vague want, but a driving need... yes, I can see why people call overeating an addiction. I have spent the last three nights knowingly eating well beyond my calorie needs for the day; caring but not caring that I was definitely eating more than I was burning off. Eating when I knew damn well I wasn't in the least hungry in the physical sense. I didn't try to distract myself or write in my journal or try to ignore it; I gave in without much fight actually. I even rather enjoyed giving in. Like I was sticking it to myself. The other self, the self that exercises and counts calories and reads diet books and makes goals.

I feel better today. I guess I've had my "fix" for the time being.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Me & Christmas = Exercise (??)

Yep, I spent Christmas day exercising my leg muscles rather than my jaw muscles. Hubby was grand enough to buy me a heart rate monitor (yay!) and he surprised me with the Biggest Loser game for the Wii for Christmas. I hadn't played the Wii in ages! I initially purchased it to play the Wii Fit game but got bored after a few weeks and shoved it in the closet. We hadn't even unpacked it when we moved in August.

First thing, I went out to do my run with my new heart rate monitor. I ran 9 laps for just over 1 mile. Okay, that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is! For me to be able to run an entire mile is a big, big deal. I didn't time myself but I did use my heart rate monitor to calculate the mileage and also I tracked my heart rate (obviously). When I was halfway through, I looked and saw that my heart rate was just over 100 BPM. This seemed low, so I sped up until I got a side cramp on lap 6. I slowed down a wee bit for the next two laps and then sped up again on the last lap. When I checked my heart rate, it was 189!

After that, I played the Wii BL game. It was basically a fairly intense (I chose intermediate level) workout with occasional comments from the trainer (I chose Jillian). I only did the one workout so I don't know if it is the same workout each time. They also have challenges you can do. But, no games I was sad to see.

You're supposed to be able to track your caloric intake as well, to help you stay on track to losing weight. However, they only give you options for small, medium or large meals with a set number of calories for each. That could put you off your total number by several hundred calories at the end of the day.

Since we had the Wii out, we played some Wii sports too. It was fun - it's been so long that it was almost like new again.

I made a simple dinner of roasted turkey, baked sweet potatoes and frozen veggies. Since we're so far from family now, we didn't have to go anywhere or have anyone over on Christmas day. It was a nice, relaxing, no pressure day.

In the aftermath of all the Christmas exercising, I've barely been able to walk up and down the stairs! I hobble like an old lady. So, I guess the BL workout and the run were good exercise. I'm bummed that I couldn't go for a jog today, but I was able to hobble around the track at a very slow walk just to get a LITTLE exercise and fresh air. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow!! I'm drinking tons of water, so I'd better be up to running again...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Holidays...gotta love em

So, I made the mistake of taking the kids shopping with their christmas money from grandma tonight. What was I thinking??? I had to eat a McDonald's Big Mac, fries and coke to ease the pain of the traffic and people. Okay...I just really wanted a cheeseburger and fries, but I would have been way more bothered by the traffic and dealing with so many people at once if I hadn't put myself in a fat/sugar coma.

After visiting a couple clothing shops for my 14 year old, I drove us to Barnes & Noble and it was blissfully quiet. I didn't even have to search for a parking space! I guess people don't buy books for christmas presents.

Notice how I capitalize McDonald's and Big Mac but not christmas???? I guess we know what's more important to me.

I didn't step on the scale today, which I know is a good thing. I'm disappointed with my continued "bad" eating. But, today I was much more "oh give up and relax!" to myself. I mean, so it's Christmas (happy?) time and making myself grouchy and upset isn't going to help me to stay on plan is it? Better to just go with the flow and get through this crazy week. Then I can go back to mentally flogging myself.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Yoyo anyone?

I know there's yoyo dieting, but how bout yoyo'ing while dieting in one day? Like, starting out the morning with high-fiber cereal with no sugar, followed by a 1 mile run (I'm just starting out!) and veggie soup with an orange for lunch with morefoodthanIcanlisthere the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about food! (sigh)

I'm so predictable.

Today isn't much better. I started with four pieces of cinamon raisin English muffins and real butter, then had bread w/ peanut butter, cheesy eggs and a couple cookies tossed in for good measure followed by a good round of Jazzercise (yay me!). I then had low-cal beef soup (good), whole grain light bread (good) and a Snickers bar (bad).

Yeah, no control. Whatsoever. And I'm still obsessed with food. Maybe that's why I got fat? Could be...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Cookies, Again

Well, at least they tasted good this time.

Yesterday morning I decided to take the kids to Joann's to get some holiday craft making supplies. Actually, I'm not very creative so I just buy the craft-in-a-box variety. However, they didn't really have any at Joann's and I didn't want to drive to Oregon to go to Michael's. So, we instead purchased an assortment of paintable ornaments and pen-paints.

I then remembered we have cookie cutters that I've never used but have had for several years. So, I thought, why not make sugar cookies and let the kids decorate them? They never really taste good so I wouldn't be tempted to eat them.

And off we went to the grocery store to buy supplies. I texted a friend and invited her and her husband over to decorate and eat cookies. Then I realized that I should make other cookies as well, if I was going to have company over. So, I purchased some chocolate chips. As we were getting ready to go to the checkout, I told my 14 year old to grab some old-fashioned oats so she could try making oatmeal cookies again. I told her to buy the kind that weren't quick oats as that was probably the mistake she had made with the last batch. Oh, yeah, and they had a display of marshmallows and krispies on sale by the checkout so I grabbed the makings of rice krispie treats.

We went home and painted ornaments and then started making cookies. I wasn't going to eat any, well, maybe one or two. I felt strong.

I don't know how many cookies I ate - I couldn't count on two hands probably. And cookie dough (it was so good!). All the cookies turned out fabulously. I kept chugging water to keep my tummy feeling full and I ate a huge baked potato with cheese before we started baking so I wouldn't be hungry for hours, but it didn't stop me from sampling throughout the entire bake-fest.

Fortunately, I had made a pot of veggie soup that morning, which we all ate for dinner. It couldn't have had very many calories since it was entirely made up of fresh veggies. I ate a huge bowl between batches of cookies to also keep me feeling full.

We ended up baking for hours - mostly my 14 year old and myself since the two little ones got bored after a while. They did enjoy cutting out the christmas cookies and, much later, decorating them. So did my friend and her husband. I made them a huge bag of cookies to take home with them. However, we still have several bags of cookies in the pantry that I need to dispose of (and, hopefully, NOT by eating them myself).

I enjoyed our day though. And while I feel disturbed at the number of cookies I ate yesterday, I know it could have been way worse. I know I didn't eat until my stomach feel achingly full or mindlessly. I enjoyed every cookie I ate. I was thoughtful of every cookie I ate. I know that I will need to be extra good today and have a really good workout to use up all those extra calories, but that's okay. I enjoyed our bake-fest and I would rather enjoy holiday baking with my kids and even eat a little too much on that day then try to avoid things we love doing together because I'm too concerned with calories. It's okay to indulge sometimes. It just has to be within reason, done with full acknowledgement and understood there is a need for a little extra effort in the following days.

Yeah, I had a moment of angst when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I was up 2 pounds. But, instead of giving up on my efforts and pulling out a bag of cookies to drown my misery into, I ate a bowl of wheatabix with no sugar and donned my workout clothes. It's all give and take, right?

Friday, December 18, 2009


Previous weight: 154.4
Today's weight: 152.8

I'm so happy with my success the last couple weeks! I can't believe I'm down to 152 and nearly to the 140's. I haven't been in the 140's for nearly 8 years. I can't believe it's been so long.

I am a member of a stay-at-home/work-at-home moms group and we met yesterday for a christmas gift exchange. It was fun; HOWEVER, they took a group photo for the group's web page. I look HORRIBLE. So fat and messy. I am so embarrassed that people will be looking at that photo over and over. Especially considering how good everyone else looks. They're all thin and young and have their hair/makeup in order. My hair looked like I'd slept in a hedge and forgotten to brush my hair in the morning. I also hadn't put on makeup and my face looks washed out and bloated. Hubby says I don't look that bad but I don't believe him.

Friday, December 11, 2009


So here's how it works...

I had a pretty good food day yesterday. The only fly in the ointment (not literally, I'm not that desperate) was I had had a piece of leftover birthday cake after lunch. But, lunch was a baked potato with fat-free cheese and salt so it was okay. I had turkey and green beans for dinner. My total calories for the day was 1213, which was good because, again, except for a rather light walk, I hadn't exercised and opted to go shopping instead of Jazzercise because I'm lame that way. But, anyway, the point is I had still had a good day despite my lack of significant exercise.

Then, last night, at like 11:00 pm, my daughter decided to make oatmeal cookies. They smelled good, but not mouth-watering good. I wasn't hungry.

She asked me if I wanted any. I didn't. Two, please, I said instead.

I ate the first. It was okay, a bit too much baking soda or something. It didn't taste great. It didn't satisfy some great beast inside me. It was just okay and I was reading my book and eating it.

So, that's it, right? I wasn't hungry. The cookie didn't taste that good. I was happy with my calories for the day up to that point. I was a happy person, in fact, at that moment. Not ecstatically, let's celebrate happy, but happy content.

I ate the second cookie.

I don't know why, other than that it was there on my plate and it was a cookie. I mean, who leaves a cookie on their plate??

The second was no better than the first. And, while eating the second cookie, I kept thinking "why am I eating this?" But, I still ate the entire thing.

So, that's my story, I ate the two cookies I didn't want nor need and pushed my calories out of the deficit range. Ho hum.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Previous Weight: 155.4
Current Weight: 154.4

Another pound - gone! I'm always happy for a pound since I'm more likely to maintain than actually lose. And a pound is a lot, actually. Maybe not on BL, but in terms of physicality, even a pound can make a difference in how your clothes fit and how you look.

Funny thing is, I had decided last weekend that I would stop worrying about calories and losing weight and focus on another goal I had for when I lost enough weight. I've always wanted to run a marathon. I don't particularly enjoy running, but I love the idea of the physical strength and perseverence it takes to finish a marathon.

So, I've found a 5k I want to run on April 11. Not a marathon or even a half marathon, but I have to start somewhere. I have a paved trail behind my house that, I estimate, is about an eighth of a mile around. So, last weekend hubby and I went out there to see how long it would take me to run a mile. I didn't think I'd be able to run a full mile, and I didn't, but I only walked one eighth of the mile and jogged the rest. That was pretty good compared to how I used to be. It also took me more than 10 minutes, but its a start.

See, I have this problem with lack of follow-through, especially on the hard stuff. So, if I can train for and work toward completing a 5k and then actually do it, that would be amazing. I would prove to myself what I actually can do.

So, here's how my mind works, I guess. I haven't trained a SINGLE DAY since I made that goal. However, I've been especially good with my calorie tracking and eating. Better than I have in months! I'm so contrary!

Friday, December 4, 2009


Previous Weight: 156.8

Current Weight: 155.4

Loss: 1.4

Not bad, considering I still haven't been back to Jazzercise and have only walked twice this week. Plus my eating hasn't been all that great. I'm happy with that number. It motivates me to try a little harder, actually.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

And Again

So, I did well for two days and then flung myself head first off the wagon once more. I'm regular, I'll give myself that. I'm defo a two on...several off...kinda gal. It's exasperating, to put it mildly.

Nevermind, tomorrow is a new day. And back on the jazzercise wagon. I MUST go tomorrow - I haven't gone in 2 weeks! Plus I need to burn off tonight's dinner. I should work out tonight, but I can't be bothered. I didn't even go for a walk today. Ah well... at least I got some house cleaning done. Or tidying at least.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Feeling Stronger

Last night I finished work, loaded the kids into the car and headed to the grocery store. We didn't need a lot because we were gone all last week, but we needed cereals, breads, fruits and veggies that were used up or spoiled while we were away. Even though I regained the couple pounds I lost at the beginning of last week and haven't really exercised in the past week, I felt smaller while walking around the store. I don't know why, but I felt better than I have in a long time. I usually feel extremely self-conscious at the store, but I didn't. I peace with myself and just content to be doing a normal, everyday activity.

Later that night, I sat watching Biggest Loser and working on a crochet project. I, of course, kept thinking about food. I had purchased some diet friendly snacks at the store and I really wanted to eat one or two even though I had eaten plenty for dinner. But, I resisted and actually made it to bed without eating again. And, really it wasn't that difficult.

So what was different? Usually the pull to eat food at night is so great that I can't resist most nights. Sometimes I don't even try to resist and other times I ignore the desire to eat for a couple hours before I finally give in to it. So, why was it relatively easy last night? Obviously, I felt better, more content; much more than I usually do. So, that could answer the question as to why it was easier to resist eating.

Which leads me to question why I felt better. What happened that I felt more at peace with myself and less unhappy with who I am?

The only answer that really makes any sense is my visit with my parents. I've always felt that I was a disappointment to my parents, for not having a bigger career, having too many kids, marrying too young, etc. I don't live the lifestyle they wanted me to live. But, during this visit, I didn't feel any of that, that I was a disappointment or not good enough. I didn't feel like I was annoying my parents just by my very existence. I felt they accepted me for who I've become and the decisions I've made and they were just happy to see me and visit with me and the lifestyle choices and career choices didn't really matter. They just wanted me to be me and to be happy. That's how I felt and it was great.

And I don't think the change in perception was a change in their behavior toward me. I think I just finally opened my eyes and realized that I've been projecting my ideas of who I thought my parents wanted me to be onto them. It was me all along, not them. I just needed to change my perception of myself.