Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I will walk 500 miles...

Well, 5 miles anyway. It took me nearly 2 hours, which seems pathetic but at least I had the treadmill on an incline nearly the entire time. I wanted to do a new Pilates/Cardio DVD but I forgot an important little something during my swim yesterday: sunblock. My chest, shoulders and back are in agony today. I am now white and fat and red all over.

Still not doing great on the eating thing. I had tortilla chips and hummus for lunch. One might ask why I have tortilla chips in the house and this would be a very valid question. I could say I bought it for H but he doesn't need tortilla chips, does he? And no one else brings food into this house. So, I am entirely culpable for having access to my poor lunch choice.

To make up for it, I'm having salad for dinner.

I'm also feeling fat from last night's dinner. I had a salad with light ranch to start (good choice), spaghetti with whole-grain pasta (good choice), tortilla chips (again - bad choice), an ice cream sandwich (bad choice) and yogurt covered raisins (bad choice considering how much I'd already eaten). If that sounds like a lot of food to consume in one sitting - it is! I can't even say I had really small portions, except for the tortilla chips (I only ate about 6). I was very full and to make things worse it was late and thus I went to bed too soon after eating. I can't even say it was because I was starving hungry that I ate so much cuz I'd had a really late lunch and was just normal hungry.

It's having H home. I don't know why, but I eat more when he's around. I've been writing about this in my diet journal but, while I can think of a lot of reasons for this, no real answer comes to mind.

Divorce is expensive, but possibly less so than the amount of money I spend on exercise DVD's.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Brave Little Swimmer

Well...I did it. I got my pasty, jiggly, dimply fat ass outside, in public, in a hide-nearly-nothing piece of spandex bathing suit. Fortunately, I have a nice suit that drags the eye to cleavage (the one up top) and nips in the waist (as much as it can) and has a little built-in skirt to hide the fat that rubs together at the tops of my thighs. But, really, that's a very, very minor improvement on a basic black one-piece. My size 26 inch thighs were on display despite the 2 inch length skirt on my bathing suit.

But, I was SO glad I did it! We have a pretty cool public pool close to our house. Actually, its two pools, one olympic sized deep pool and one that is half 4 feet deep and half 2 feet deep with a playground in the middle of the 2 feet half of the kiddie pool. Its huge. There are mini water slides, water sprays, things to climb and tunnels to crawl through. My 6 year old had a blast. Then we went to the deep pool and my 6 year old jumped off the side a gazillion times while my 13 year old dived off the high-dive. As it was well over 100 degrees today, I was very happy to be IN the pool, rather than some moms who sat in shorts and t-shirts sweltering in the sun, watching their kids have fun. I also managed to get a few laps in and feel contentedly tired and sun-burned.

I'm especially proud of myself for getting over my self-consciousness and having fun. I still felt a bit uncomfortable whenever I had to walk around but, you know, no one really looked twice at me and why should they? They were there to have fun or stay cool or watch their kids have fun, not to poke fun at the fat girl. They couldn't care less that I was presenting my wide-load in all its pale glory. And if anyone did stare in shock/horror/judgment, I was too busy having fun to notice.

I'm already looking forward to going again. I LOVE the feel of being completely immersed in water. And next time I'll feel even less uncomfortable.

Now I need to get into my gym pool once in a blue moon so I can actually get a good, solid workout in.

Sunday, June 28, 2009


I really want to go swimming. Before we moved to Nor Cal, we had a pool in our backyard and I loved swimming most summer nights. I haven't swimmed since we moved up here more than a year ago. We've been to numerous hotels with swimming pools, but no way would I expose my fat body to the masses. I also have a pool at the gym but I've been too chicken to use it.

But, with it being 110 degrees here this week, I'm REALLY wanting to go swimming. The house is cool enough (although our electricity bill is going to be astronomical) but every time I go outside I immediately think swimming. I've even been tempted to sneak next door to the house for sale with the pool in the back. However, as much as I'm tempted, I do try to avoid doing anything that could land me in a jail.

Anyway, so I've decided to take the girls swimming at the local public pool tomorrow. I'm nervous, to put it simply. I know I will feel fat, clumsy, conspicuous, intimidated and just plain uncomfortable. But, I'm hoping I'll just get over it after the intial discomfort. I recently read about another heavy girl getting over her self-angst to go swimming in public and really enjoyed it. Its great exercise, after all. Its funny how being fat often precludes one from doing things that would help to make one less fat. I've really found with my near-daily exercising that activity breeds activity. When I exercise early on in the day, I'm more likely to be active in the evenings after work, tidying or going for a walk or grocery shopping, etc. When I don't exercise at all, I'm much less likely to feel like tidying before I go to bed. Not only is my body more accustomed to moving, but having built up some muscles, doing simple chores isn't physically uncomfortable as it used to be. For instance, I can bend down and straighten up without feeling a pull in my back and I can stand while doing the dishes without my back, arms and feet aching from standing still for so long. Anyway, so I think swimming will not only allow me to get more exercise but getting accustomed to going out in a bathing suit will help me get over some of my hang-ups about how I look, which I think is an important aspect of this weight loss journey.

Cross your fingers for me that all goes well and I don't chicken out!

Saturday, June 27, 2009


Okay, my BMI is high. I know this. I know I'm "obese." I know that when people look at me they see "fat."

But, I don't FEEL that fat. I feel overweight, but not OBESE. I don't feel as big as my pants look.

However, in taking my measurements, finally, I am aghast at the numbers. My waist, at the fattiest part, is more than 42 inches. OMG! My husband has a 42 inch waist! How is that even possible? And my thigh is 26 inches - I used to wear 24 inch waist pants! My thigh is bigger in circumference than my waist should be. That's nutso.

This is like looking in the mirror without the blinders on. I really, really am obese.

Fortunately, I am getting a motivational response to work harder and stop arsing around with my diet and exercising.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Oh well...Taco Bell

You know those salt bricks they give horses to lick? Well, I think I ate the equivelent of one in my Taco Bell tacos last night (yes, plural, I had THREE - 2 soft and 1 hard!). I'm a jelly belly of water-retention today (at least, that's my story).

I did a good move, though. I ordered my tacos and a Pepsi, because that sounded good at the time. Then, I immediately thought "why did I do that? I don't need a Pepsi on top of it." So I had a couple sips, thinking about how huge the cup was and what a waste of money.

When I got home, I'd probably consumed about 1/20 of the cup (about 4 sips worth) and dumped the rest down the sink. Yep, I wasted money, Pepsi and a lot of unnecessary calories. Three cheers!

I didn't exercise yesterday because...well, no reason really. I did have a headache but that doesn't usually stop me. That's okay, though, because I don't have to be ALL OR NOTHING. I'm going to be zen about this diet/exercise business if it kills me. However, I suppose that doesn't SOUND very zen, does it?

Thursday, June 25, 2009


Weight: 161.4
Loss: 1.6

Yay me! Although I think it would have been a bigger loss if I wasn't suddenly on the hormone train and Sponge-Bobbing water, but that's okay. Any movement I see on the downward trend is happy times.

Still feeling obsessive about the move. In fact, we've upped our looking-at-houses venture from some time in August to er...next week? Crazy huh. I'm really not looking forward to slumming it in hotels again, but needs must.

Hubby was supposed to be coming home today, but was given another "rush" case to work before he can consider leaving Washington and then has another "super rush" case in Oregon on the way back and so I probably will see neither hind nor hair of him until Friday late. But, since this was expected, anticipated, and pre-resigned to I didn't get all bent out of shape when he told me last night. And, anyway, I have the move to obsess over.

I made it to my office this morning, so you already know I survived the new Jillian workout mostly unscathed. I have to admit that I didn't complete the workout. I was 38 mins 25 secs into the workout (which includes a lot of jumping, knee lifts and kick-box style exercises done in circuits) when my cell phone rang and I HAD to answer it and after chatting to the big H for a while I kinda lost my drive to do any more. On shaky legs, I headed for a shower instead. I was absolutely dripping (sweat!) so I felt I'd got enough of an ass kicking for the day.

Today I'm just gonna walk on the treadmill.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Scale Mania

I really need to GET OFF THE SCALE. I swear, I jump on it every time I go for a pee (which is quite often when I'm drinking the appropriate amount of water). Its a sickness.

I just finished reading Jen Lancaster's "Such a Pretty Fat." I HIGHLY recommend this book, whether to someone also waging the fat war or just anyone wanting a laugh. The book is a memoir on her weight loss efforts and is just plain funny. In fact, I've now ordered her first two books.

I purchased ANOTHER exercise DVD (don't tell hubby) - Jillian Michael's Banish Fat Boost Metabolism that promises up to 5 pounds weight loss per week. All I can say is: YIKES. Not that I've tried it yet, but anything that promises those kinds of results and with Jillian Michaels, you know its going to be an ass kicker. I'll be doing it later today and, if I can still walk to the computer, will let you know how it is tomorrow.

Since we are officially moving to Washington at the end of the summer, I'm obsessed with it. It is going to be a LOT of work, which I'm not looking forward to. We'll still be living here another couple months but I'm already thinking of what I can pack and what I can get rid of. I've ordered a charity pick-up of clothes we no longer fit/want and a couple pieces of furniture I don't want to take with me. I've been suffering some mild insomnia with all the worries and plans going through my head. Its too early to be able to DO much but it feels really soon too.

The good thing is since the move is my current obsession, I'm not obsessing AS MUCH on food. Which means my portions and rate of food stuffing has been more reasonable the last few days. But, I'm hardly relaxed and easy about it all still. In fact, I feel rather manic today.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Small Triumphs

Last night I triumphed over my nighttime eating. I know this will still be a daily (or evening) struggle but I fought the real hunger pains and went to bed without eating after dinner.

I have recently read that the whole eating before bedtime causing weight gain is a myth. However, I also believe that I am most likely to oversnack or eat unhealthily in the evenings after dinner. I am just weaker at that time. And there's no work distraction. Plus, there's the whole treating myself for the day's accomplishments thing. I don't eat EVERY night, but I do snack after dinner most nights. And while lately I've been getting a handle on my portions and I'm eating healthier overall, I simply don't need the extra food at night. And I feel if I can get completely out of the habit of eating late at night, I will save myself thousands of unneccesary calories over time.

I also have to remember that to lose weight, I have to feel a LITTLE hungry sometimes. When I eat enough to stay satisfied throughout the day, I maintain my weight. The only way I'm able to actually shift any weight is to allow myself to feel hungry sometimes. Not the kind of hunger where I start seeing burgers and fries in the cloud formations but just a peckish kind of hunger where it would be nice to eat, but I can ignore the slight discomfort. I HAVE to feel that way at least a little to lose weight. And its okay to feel a little hungry.

Anyway, so despite feeling a bit genuinely hungry last night before I went to bed, I didn't give in and eat and when I got up again I had my first loss in a few days. I'm close to getting into the 150's and it feels really good.

Oh, I had an epiphany over the treadmill last night, btw. While I was walking yesterday, I kept thinking about what I should put on the blank wall in front of my face as a distraction while I'm walking but I couldn't come up with any ideas other than that I don't like walking with my back to the room. I just hate having my back to the room - which is why my desk is sitting in the middle of the office facing out. While I was trying to fall asleep last night, a light bulb went off and I realized I CAN TURN THE TREADMILL AROUND. Genius, huh? Sometimes my brilliance scares me.

Monday, June 22, 2009

The Treadmill Chronicles

So, its hotter that hot here (like, um, super, really hot) and I haven't been wanting to go into the garage to workout because its so hot and stuffy (dirty, dusty, spidery & smells like car oil) in the garage where the workout gear is. I only ever use the treadmill (I feel silly using the weight-bar and the recumbent bike seat doesn't go far enough forward for my comfort) so I had the bright idea that I would move the treadmill into my cool, air-conditioned (spider-free [I hope!!!]) bedroom. As you know, hubby is always out of town and is currently, so I figured I'd just move it myself and it wasn't a big deal.

On Saturday, I'm chatting with him on the phone and I remembered my plan to move the treadmill and mentioned it. In a word, he went apeshit. I know why...he's more tired of being out of town all the time than I am. He's frustrated because he bought all that exercise equipment and now he's never home to use it. He had a vision of creating an at-home gym in the garage and now I, in his absence, am proposing breaking that dream apart by removing the central figure, the treadmill.

His first argument was that it was too heavy, I'd bang holes in the walls and couldn't I wait for him to get home and then he went into the whole why do I have to move the damn thing in the first place to he f'ing hates being out of town all the time.

Funnily enough, I haven't had as hard a time with his absence lately because we're just so accustomed to it and I'm SO DAMN HAPPY to be back home and out of hotels. But, I can totally commisserate because if I had to live 95% of the time away from home, I'd go baglady mad in no time.

Anyway, so after I let him rant for a good 20 minutes, I got him off the phone with promises that I would leave the treadmill and then promptly moved the treadmill.

BTW, you can remind me here how I have a gym membership that has a LOT of treadmills and other nice equipment in cool, air-conditioned rooms. I realize I am paying for a gym membership that hasn't been used in months. Truly, one day I will start using it again. Really I will.

The treadmill was surprisingly easy to move because it folds and has wheels. I had my 13 year old to help and we didn't put nary a scratch on the walls. Because my bedroom is so huge and largely unused, the treadmill disappeared into its hollowed depths without a problem. Its a little strange to be staring at a blank wall 2 feet in front of my face while walking toward it at a very fast pace, but I guess I'll either get accustomed to that or put some pictures up.

And, btw, I can now walk at 3.2 MPH! May not seem like much, but my legs and stride are so short I only use about an eighth of the length of the treadmill. I also jogged a bit yesterday, despite feeling a bit stuffy still. I felt way better afterward so maybe those health nuts are right that exercise can help you feel better when you have a cold.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Just Sick & Weigh-In

I've been fighting off a cold for a few days but it's set in good now. I feel like every shade of crap possible.

Yesterday I had decided I should refrain from exercising so my body can concentrate on killing off those cold germs. I was looking forward to an early night with a book. Until my daughter spilled an entire cup of tea on the carpet. And since I had to get the steam vac out, I decided I should do the entire living room since I've been wanting to do that anyway. (And it needed it!) It alwasy amazes me how dirty the water looks considering we steam vac every few months.

So, anyway, it took me nearly 2 hours to get the job done and by that time it was after 10pm. I was literally swaying, dead on my feet. I barely had the energy to crawl into bed.

Not surprising that I feel worse today. Suffice it to say, I'm going to bed early tonight!!!

Here are my weigh-in numbers:

Weight: 163.0
Loss: 1.0

A new low, even if barely lower than my last new low - I'm still happy with the numbers :)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Surprising Results

I was being sarcastic, btw. Yesterday I stayed on plan, exercised, journaled and didn't eat before I went to bed. Lo and behold, I had a lower number on the scale this morning. Not rocket science, is it?

Yesterday, I ate:

1 8oz glass OJ (cuz I have a cold at the mo)
1 cup coffee w/ skim milk and 2 tsp sugar
1 piece homemade french toast, plain

1 cup grapes
1/2 cup broccoli in low-fat cheese sauce

6 oz low-fat choco milk
1 large banana

Very small steak, broiled
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
2 cup spinach salad w/ low-fat vinagarette

I did 20 minutes cardio/strength training dvd and 20 minutes on the treadmill. Since I've had this cold, its been difficult to work out for longer periods of time; my energy is pretty low at the moment.

Still, an excellent day all in all. I hope to do as well today so I can have a good weigh-in tomorrow.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I'm Back

Back in California and back on plan. I came home with a weight of 163.4 (yay!!!) so I did really well while I was out of town, considering all the eating out, road-trip type snacks, full-cal sodas and not having easy access to exercise equipment or videos. I managed to do some form of exercise everyday, although I was missing the Pilates moves. I wasn't going to get onto any of those hotel floors, that's for sure!

I've started writing in my weight loss journal again and I'm back to eating much healthier foods.

We landed back home yesterday at 2 am. Yesterday we just rested and I got some errands done, some food in the fridge, that kind of thing. Today is back to a more normal schedule. Its great to be home after being gone for 10 days!

Unfortunately, hubby is leaving again today! Isn't that crazy? In fact, they wanted him to stay up in WA longer than the 10 days, but I had to come home to get our paychecks in the bank! (Yeah, our company is majorly behind the times with no direct deposit.)

So we have made it official with the powers that be in our company that we are moving to Washington in approx 6 months. I wanted to move before the kids started school again, but I don't see how we could afford to do that.

I'm not certain how I feel about moving. It will be great to have hubby home much more often (where we plan on moving, he worked within a couple hours drive the entire time we were in WA) and I won't miss the heat of Redding! (We've been in the 90's and 100's since May!!!) But, leaving California will be difficult and we're rather exchanging extreme temps for extreme temps in the opposite direction (it was in the 60's when we left WA). Plus, I LOVE my house here - I seriously doubt we will get as nice a home.

But, we have to live where the work is and the work isn't here. Plus, we will have more employment options since we will be within striking distance of a major city.

Friday, June 12, 2009


I had a bad night last night - overate again. I knew I wasn't hungry but I was eating. I haven't done that since I started journaling but I haven't been journaling very well on this trip. I did do a workout in the exercise room last night, at least.

Today is an easy day because work is so slow. I'll be taking the kids to the park in a little bit.

Tomorrow morning we're leaving this town and heading to the kids' grandma's house to spend the day. We'll stay the night in the same town and start driving home early on Sunday. I'll be happy to be home! And I can get back into my groove again.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Still Maintaining

I doubt I'm losing at the moment but I think I'm maintaining. At least my pants aren't getting any tighter, but neither are they any looser.

I'm still trying to keep a lid on the calories while eating out all of my meals. We were able to get some healthy snacks (low-cal fruit cups, baby carrots & Fiber One bars) to keep in the hotel room, but our main meals are still at restaurants. And for the last 2 days we've been having McDonald lunches because they have a playland, which allows the kids to burn off some steam from being cooped up in a tiny hotel suite.

Today I ate:

1/4 bagel w/ cream cheese (full fat so I kept the portion to a min)
1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half & half and 2 packets of sugar
4 oz yogurt

1st snack was 1/8 of a left-over veggie calzone & low-sugar diced peaches

Snack-sized chicken wrap
Snack-sized fruit & walnut salad

2nd snack was 2 fig bars and lightly sweetened tea

I'm not sure what I'll have for dinner, but I plan for it to feature a lot of veggies or a large salad. Maybe a taco salad? I read those can been healthy if not in a shell.

Plan on hitting the hotel gym for a late workout after hubby is back and probably after dinner. This particular hotel only offers a couple treadmills and eliptical machines, no weight machines, but I'll do some Pilates work too I think.

We'll still be in WA for another few days. I'll defo be glad when we finally get home!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Quick Update

Just a quick update. I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in Washington with hubby and the rest of the fam. Its been super busy, but mostly in a good way.

Eating has been going okay. I've made some really good choices and some less than good choices. The good thing is that when I've made bad choices, I've at least kept to approximate correct portion sizes. And I haven't eaten to the point of over fullness.

Exercise has been more difficult. I exercised on Thursday before we left but nothing on Friday. On Saturday, I did quite a bit of walking with the kids and some walking on Sunday. Yesterday I hardly did any exercise, but I was chasing the baby around quite a bit. Today I haven't done any exercise at all. I really need to do some upper body and core body exercises. But, I think the hotel we're in now has an exercise room so I can take advantage of that later tonight.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Day 4

Today started out pretty bad and got even worse. Actually, it started last night when I got into a whopper of a fight with dear hubby and went to bed at like 7pm, just to escape the crisis. I woke this morning feeling sorry for myself and deeply unhappy. I skipped the journaling, as I just wasn't in the mood. I climbed over and through the clutter of the hallway and the living room (hubby was left in charge of the kids last night) and swept a stack of dishes aside to reach the coffee pot. I stumbled to the office and grumpily began trolling emails. Twice I went in to talk to hubby to settle things, but he was pretty much unresponsive.

DH and I finally got around to having another go at solving our problems from about 11 am to 2 pm, when we had to start getting ready to go to our daughter's graduation. The good thing is hubby finally saw my POV. It doesn't change anything - we still face each other on opposing sides - but its nice that he at least understands where I'm coming from.

I ate 4 pieces of toast for breakfast and then nothing until after the graduation. I had hubby take me to a one-step-up from fast food taco stand restaurant where I ordered a nice, fattening burrito and ate 2/3s of it. I came home and was going to work out but the house was a wreck and I'm sore from yesterday's workout, so I grabbed a glass of wine and popped Robbie Williams into the stereo and started cleaning instead. I forget that cleaning can be cathartic. By the time I'd got the floor swept and the carpet vacuumed, I felt much better.

I feel a little perturbed with myself for the burrito, but not too badly. I also kinda wish that I'd gone ahead and exercised anyway, but I'm much too tired now. I think I'm just going to chill for the evening and start tomorrow in a better frame of mind.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Inner Migration

So far, so good on the journaling to weight loss. I always scoffed at the idea because I figured I used to write in a journal for years and I was still heavy. But, it's apparently about what you're focusing to write about. Since it's all about "what makes me eat" I'm learning some stuff about me that I knew but didn't know.

Today's entry went back to sugar. When I was a kid, my mother was fanatical about sugar. My parents didn't buy junk food, soda or even juice. Lunch from as far back as I can remember consisted of a squished PB & J and an apple. We had milk (warm by lunchtime) in a thermos. Once, the milk was kinda going off, so my mother added choco syrup to hide the taste of turning milk. We LOVED it lol. That was the only time that happened that I can recall.

I remember being 6 or 7 and sitting at a picnic table, watching a friend of mine eat his lunch. He had a sandwich like mine, only his was cut into triangles and wasn't squished. He also had juice and cookies to go with his sandwich. I also remember being terribly jealous of the kids who got hot lunch because they ALWAYS got juice with their lunch.

My mother was so fanatical about sugar, my parents bought sugar packets so they could dole out ONE to put on our oatmeal. We never had sugared cereal. We never had candy, cookies, cakes, etc. We did not have dessert after dinner, ever.

The only time we got junk food or soda was on very special occasions and holidays. I remember every year my dad's work would host a barbecue. There were always trashcans full of sodas and my sisters and I would gulp down soda after soda, just to get as much as possible while we could. We always grabbed one on the way out, too, and then drank it as slowly as possible to make it last as long as possible.

Both my surviving sister and I are sugar whores as adults. Is it any wonder that we have both struggled with our weights since leaving home? I still get a thrill going to the grocery store when I get to choose to buy a sugared cereal or plain ol corn flakes. Thankfully, I've primarily lost my taste for sugared cereals and a lot of the snack foods kids love (like twinkies) but I still sometimes feel the need to have one just because I can.

Fast forward to today. I have determined 2 times during the day when I am most likely to overeat. The first is during work time and the second is after work during relax time. Here is what I think are the reasons:

1. Work time: I am BORED by my job. It is very rarely challenging. I have been doing the same job for the last 10 years with little variation. I also feel stuck because this is the only job I know I could do to earn as much money as I do and be able to work from home.

When I first started working way, way long ago, I worked as a secretary for Kaiser. It wasn't a hard job and once I'd really gotten efficient at it, I began to feel bored and tired. One day, I bought a bag of coffee-candy to help keep me awake. They were coffee-infused hard candies. Every time I would feel bored or tired, I would pop a candy. Soon, I was taking other candy to work and other sweets. I learned: bored? pop a candy. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months.

I think because candy and sweets were associated with the best holidays and events in my childhood, eating candy when I was bored at work was like imagining yourself on a desert island, with the blue ocean and soft breeze and sun on your skin. It was my escapism to a happier place.

2. Relax time: After spending 6 - 8 hours doing a job I don't like, chasing after a 1 year old off and on all day, cooking and cleaning, doing my workout, by 10 pm when I get ME time I'm DONE. So, I sit down to read a book or watch a movie. Only, these activities aren't that satisfying because I do them almost every night. They're kinda boring now, even the good ones. I feel cheated somehow. I've done what I needed to do, why can't I then have some real enjoyment time? Why is hubby on his computer and not interested in spending time with me? Why can't I just go out and do something with a friend after work? Oh yeah, cuz I don't have friends in this town.

Discontent sinks in. Boredom sinks in. Feeling hard done by sinks in.

Food is my elixir, my distraction, my reward, my love. Candy & Soda = happiness. I DESERVE that happiness for all the things I've done that I don't like to and all the things I don't get to do that I want to.

Last night was no different. I was just sitting down to read a book when I suddenly wanted some of the kids' cereal. My stomach contracted as though I was honestly hungry, even though I KNOW I couldn't possibly be hungry because I had a good sized dinner. I so badly wanted that cereal, I could already taste it. It knew would make me feel good. I would feel good if I ate that cereal. I would have my food and my book and I would be HAPPY.

Except that I know I won't. Maybe for the first bite or two, but then 2 things will happen: 1. The food will ultimately be a let-down. It never tastes as good as I imagined it would. It doesn't satisfy. It isn't what I REALLY wanted, so I would go on a quest for what I REALLY want and end up eating and eating until I can't eat any more. 2. I will feel really, really bad about myself for giving in. I will gain weight instead of lose and I will feel I failed again.

Food will NOT make me happy.

Food does NOT = happiness. Food does NOT = reward.

This is my new mantra. Remember in Finding Nemo, when the white shark was trying to stop eating fish? His mantra was: Fish are friends, not food. My mantra is: Food is nourishment not happiness.

I need to find a new reward system for myself.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Day 2

I am having a much better day today. Here's what I've eaten so far:

Coffee w/ non-fat milk & 2 tsp sugar
Light whole-grain English muffin w/ light margarine
1 cup of sliced fresh strawberries
Chicken enchilada diet frozen dinner
Light ice cream bar (100 cal)
3 glasses of water

Not sure what I'm going to have for dinner yet.

I also got my exercising in (20 mins intermediate Pilates & 65 mins on the treadmill). I still have a few hours of work to do thanks to a late start. Although, I'm seriously considering ditching the work and just chillin the rest of the evening. I'll see how I feel.

Tomorrow, I really need to have an early start.


We had a good weekend, the fam and I. Yesterday my 13 year old had a pre-graduation (from middle school) party and today we went to a local museum to see Sue, the T-Rex. We also took the kids to a kind of petting zoo, although all they really had to pet today was some sheep and dogs. But, that's living in the boonies for you.

I did horribly with my diet yesterday and didn't exercise at all on Friday and Saturday. In fact, I went a day over my 5 free days and lost my goal of 100 days at like 52 days. Not good, eh? I'm starting over, though. Today is Day 1 of exercise/on plan eating. I'll try again for 100 days.

Yesterday I ate all the junk food with the kiddos, including (but not limited to) chips, veggies and full-fat ranch, pizza, soda and cake. I didn't limit myself at all. I wasn't thinking that I had given up on my weight loss efforts and that I would just accept being fat, but I really didn't care what I would weigh today.

Today, of course, I cared a bit more. And I was UP. But, that's okay. I just accepted that today was a new start and I would continue to do the best I could each day. I bought a journal to start writing in so I can figure out what is making me want to overeat. Whenever I feel like eating when I know good and well that I am not hungry, I'm going to write in my journal instead. At least, that's the plan. And I'm not going to worry about the fat/calorie content of everything I put in my mouth; I'm going to concentrate on just not eating past the point when I'm no longer hungry.

Take today, for example. Because we were out running around, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. I could have gone with a salad or some other low-fat/low-calorie food, but I knew that I would just crave the cheeseburger and feel jilted somehow. I knew I wouldn't actually like eating the salad (I HATE fast-food salads) and I wouldn't be satisfied. So, instead I got a McChicken sandwich (no fries or soda) and had a bite of hubby's burger. And that was it, I was satisfied. I didn't eat a bizilion calories but neither did I feel I got cheated somehow. I had control.

Tonight, we went out to dinner again, to support a friend who has a restaruant. We know its totally not easy for this friend right now, so we try to eat there whenever we can. I ordered a chicken burrito. I ate less than half and boxed the rest. I didn't cut the burrito first or make a decision on how much I would consume before I started eating. Instead, I ate until I recognized that I was no longer hungry and then I stopped. I also ate a few of the tortilla chips. But, not more than half a dozen and I was happy with that.

I still want to focus on eating healthy foods, but not to the point where I feel I can't eat a burger when I don't want a salad. I want to eat healthy, but I want a healthy relationship with food more.

I wrote my first journal entry this afternoon. I wasn't fighting wanting to eat, but I wanted to get the ball rolling. I wrote out a committment to myself to try to get to the cause of my overeating. I then wrote the 5 things I am happy with in my life (because I want to learn to focus on the positives and not the negatives as I tend to dwell) and then 5 things I am working on improving in my life.

We did a bit of walking today and then I followed that up with a Pilates DVD. This was an intermediate workout I'd borrowed from the library and, you know, I was able to do most of the exercises! I'm still not as limber as the girls on the DVD, but I can do the Roll-Up! I can do full sit-ups and hold myself on my butt with my feet in the air and my back in the air! I remember when I couldn't do a tenth of the beginner exercises. I've really come a long way with my fitness and that is definitely something to be proud of.

I know my journey has been cluttered with trip hazards and I have fallen off the wagon more times than I can count, but the important thing is that I keep trying, I keep getting on that damn wagon and I keep working to an improved, happier lifestyle. I just have to take it one day, one stumble at a time. And focus on the triumphs!