Thursday, May 28, 2009


Weight: 164.0
GAIN: 0.6

Could have been waaaaay worse. I think the only thing that saved me was the fact that I jogged for 20 minutes yesterday AND did a pilates workout.

Hubby and I have been fighting on and off all day. Lots of tension here as my 16 year old son, whose been living with his grandmother because he was running away from home when he was living with us, decided to steal $300 (between his dying great-aunt's purse and the church donations) and purchased himself an I-Pod. This is after weeks of skipping school and being rebellious, not listening to grandma and being rude to her, her mother, her aunt, his teachers, school principal and counselors. Yet again, he is failing in school and is on school suspension.

Although he was supposed to stay with grandma through next school year, she said she does not feel safe with him in the house with 2 ailing older women.

I didn't want to bring his destructive behavior home and I was worried he'd just run away again anyway. So...I sent him to live with his dad in Florida. I always said I wouldn't be one of those divorced parents who ships their kid off to the other parent when things got tough. But, I am doing so and I'm just sorry for being so judgmental before. Raising adolescents is NOT easy - raising angry male adolescents who have realized that no one can really do anything to control them is nearly impossible. I've decided that I've raised him to the best of my ability for 16 years and I'm letting my ex-husband have a go at actually being a parent.

All I can hope is that my son grows out of this behavior with age and life experience.

I feel like an utter failure as a parent to him. It makes me feel very sad.

Exercise helps but my diet is still struggling. It seems minor compared to the real problems going on - although I suspect I'm just trying to justify binge-like behavior so I can "eat" my feelings and bury them under a sugar-fat high.

I haven't given up, but it definitely feels futile.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

And the winner is...

I have won the Self-Sabotage of the Year award! Seriously, I have been binge-eating for 2 days. Last night we went out to dinner and I ate what I'm sure is one of the most fattening meals on the menu and then came home and got into the kids' school lunch snacks and ate until I felt ill. And I STILL wanted to eat. I exercised for the requisite 20 minutes yesterday, but that was it. I hardly broke a sweat. Today I feel GROSS!! My weight was back up to 165 (up 2 pounds again) and my pants were already feeling slightly snugger than the last time I wore them.

What is up with this!?!?!? Why do I finally lose a couple pounds and then start the gain/loss cycle again. This has been going on since I started to lose weight a year ago: I do well enough to lose a couple pounds, then do the gain/loss for several weeks, then maybe get another solid 1 or 2 pound gain before I revert to the gain/loss of the same few pounds. This has led me to lose a total of 4 pounds since January 1st!!!! Despite exercising religiously for months, despite forcing myself to drink water and eat healthier, I CANNOT seem to stay on track long enough to actually lose all this damned weight! I'm very disgusted with myself, to be honest. I have been wanting to get into the 150's for months and whenever I get down around 162 or 163, I screw up and gain instead of lose the last couple pounds to put me in the 150's. Its mental!!

That's it, I'm not going to write anything more about it.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Day 50!!

Today is Day 50 of my 100 days of exercise goal! Halfway there - it seems both longer and shorter than that. There's no doubt that I'm stronger and in better shape than I have been in years and years. I am easily able to do exercises that I couldn't have hoped to do last year. I even had my 13 year old and her friend do a Pilates DVD with me and they were complaining that it was too hard - they should be in WAY better shape than me! Although, I wouldn't take them on in a foot race.

Food-wise, I'm up and down per usual. I had a couple good days and then yesteray was a bit of a bomb-out. First, I ate fast food for lunch, and not a correct portion as I would normally try to do, but a full-on meal. I even had regular soda. Then, I had some mini donuts when I got home. I forced myself to do a long stretch on the treadmill to make up for it, but then I followed up that effort with a late-night turkey wrap sandwich, watermelon and another serving of mini donuts. Ergh! At least I burned off what I ate, I think.

I expect my weight to not have much movement again this week. I need to find some long-lasting motivation - it seems I can find motivation for short bursts, but nothing long-term enough to have a more steady weight loss.

But, at least I'm not gaining. I need to remember that. And the exercise is obviously going really well.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Good News & Unrelated Quandary

So hubby is back on Monday - yay! That's only 2 days away. And then he's home for an entire week and then when he goes on his next trip I'll be going with him since the kids will be out of school. Lots to look forward to, then.

Yesterday wasn't so hot on the food front or workout front, but it wasn't a complete failure either. I ate a Burrito Supreme at Taco Bell and then a bit more (understatement) than a serving of light ice cream. I also had a homemade strawberry smoothie and some sunflower seeds after dinner. Suffice it to say, despite drinking 3 glasses of water before bed, I hardly had to pee this morning I'm retaining so much water. After logging all the numbers, with my 30 minute of easy walk on the treadmill, I still managed to theoretically burn more calories than I consumed, but barely. Just another maintenance day :)

Today I've done better so far. I've already done a good Pilates workout and, after taking the kids to the library, we're going to the park where I'll chase the little ones and maybe squeeze in a bit of tennis with my 13 year old and her friend, if the little ones cooperate.

So, totally off topic, I'm having a bit of a quandary with my 13 year old's bff. See, her parents are apparently non-working and haven't for a long time - depending upon the generosity of the government and others for their livelihood. I've already had a problem with them expecting me to cart their several kids around on several occasions when I've offered to drive my daughter and her friend to some function or other. Plus, the first night her friend stayed the night, her mom told me it was okay with her for her daughter to stay the entire weekend. Uhh...okaaaay, bit strange, but whatev.

So what is happening now is that twice the friend's mom has asked me for money for gas for her borrowed suburban. The first time she asked, I had all of $5 in my wallet to last me the rest of the week so there was no question. This time, last night, I have a little money, but we're still struggling ourselves. I was going to give her $5 but then I thought: 1. we work really hard for our money and we're still struggling enough ourselves so that we have NO disposable income; 2. if I give them money this time it sets up a precedent. At the time, I kinda hummed and hawed, and just didn't commit either way. After thinking it through, I decided "no" for the 2 reasons I gave as well as feeling unwilling to give away money that I know will be used for food for our family.

Anyway, so when I went to pick up the friend, the mother was standing outside their apartments. She came over and chatted in a friendly way and then, abruptly, said "so I guess you didn't get me any gas money." I was a bit taken aback and was like "" She just nodded and I finally said "well, I have a couple errands to run" and she said "okay, y'all have fun" but in a not as friendly way. I felt really guilty for not giving her money knowing I was about to spend money buying groceries and getting dinner for the kids and I. But, then I was like, its not my job to give them money, right??? And, she said the money was for her to be able to get to school and back, yet I saw that their borrowed suburban's passenger side door was open like they were getting ready to go somewhere and its a Friday night so I doubt she's on her way to school. So, I was kinda ticked off that I was feeling bad for not giving them money to do whatever they were going to do... I mean, $5 isn't a LOT of money and I COULD afford to give it to her (although I think she was expecting more than $5) but... it just feels like its an avenue I don't even want to contemplate traveling down.

I just worry that the parents may make it difficult for the friend to come over because they're pissed at me and also that I'm going to be reluctant to be involved in any way with the friend because I don't want to be put in that position. Its not the friend's fault her parents are like that... Does that sound harsh?

What do you think? Was I right in not giving them money??

Thursday, May 21, 2009


Weight: 163.4
Lost: 0.4

Well, it's not a gain, right? I'm still moving in the right direction, despite all my slip-ups. And I've had a LOT of slip-ups during the past week, so that's just how it is. Actually, yesterday my number was a lot lower (162.8) but I had an ice cream after dinner and then ANOTHER one before I went to bed. I knew I would screw up my weigh-in but I only worried about it after I ate the ice cream, of course. Today has been better and I'm not going to beat myself up about it because this is my life - this is my diet for life. It WILL be good days and bad days and better days and worse days. At least I know that once I get to maintenance, I know what to do :)

I'm working a lot more this week - things are finally picking up and I have my full hours back. Unfortunately, this has created a downfall in my keeping up with the housework. I was getting the kitchen cleaned every night, making dinner, vacuumming, stuff like that. The house is a wreck right now and I know I should get moving and clean, but I just want to relax and read my book.

I borrowed a new workout DVD from the Library; it's the You Getting Thinner exercise DVD. It's HARD!!!! The trainer doesn't use any weights or aerobics but my heart was really pumping and my muscles were shaking from the effort of doing the exercises. It was a lot of old-school exercises with some new variations and really difficult. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm sore tomorrow, which I haven't been since like February or March. Anyway, it was a really good workout and I'm actually looking forward to doing it again. I was able to do all of the exercises for level 1 and most of them for level 2, and I KNOW I wouldn't have been able to even contemplate Level 2 a couple months ago, so that made me feel good.

Hubby is gone and I'm trying not to be sad. He'll be back by the 27th though, at least. I look forward to then! I'm going to really try to be a positive happy person when I speak with him and maybe get us on better footing before he comes home. I think all my struggles is weighing him down with guilt - it hadn't crossed my mind that that would be the problem until he made a couple comments this week. I felt bad! I can be very self-involved sometimes.

Anyway, I'm off to read and be lazy! :)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

One foot in front of the other

I'm still exercising - I felt better on Monday after I jumped on the treadmill for 30 minutes. Yesterday I did an exercise DVD in the morning (I now know how important those morning/mid-day workouts are) and another 45 mins on the treadmill in the evening. My weight is back down, thankfully. Today, I did Yoga after lunch and then 70 minutes on the treadmill. I have also cranked my speed up to 3.2 mph, which may not seem like much for a normal-strided person, but trust me when I say I have VERY short legs and a super short stride, so that's speed-walking to me!

Yesterday I started tracking my food again, which helped to make me feel more in control. Although, maybe not since I ate 4 donuts... According to my Fitday, I still burned more than I ate though.

Today has been better. I had toast with jam (no butter) and a banana for breakfast, left-over dinner for lunch (lean roast beef with mushrooms and onions, mashed sweet potatoes [plain], a small amount of white mashed potatoes and steamed cauliflower), and 1/2 c of lemon sorbet for a snack. I just need to eat some fruit and find a veggie for dinner, maybe a piece of bread, and I'm good. I've also been pretty good on the water-front.

Hubby is leaving again tomorrow morning, so I'm bummed about that. But, we've hardly had a good VISIT. He's just been on his computer or sleeping nearly the entire time and I've had to work for a lot of the time. Other than that, I've been doing what I normally do when he's not here (read, watch BL on my computer, run errands, take care of kids, clean & cook) and, other than being able to shop sans small children, there hasn't been any impact to his being home. No, I have to take that back - he did help our oldest daughter with a school project last night. I was grateful for that because I'm never good at these school projects and they aren't any fun at all. He's more creative so he enjoys that sort of thing. I did notice that he got irritated with the kids by last night but was trying not to say anything because he gives me a hard time if I complain about the kids driving me crazy while he's away. When he's in another state, taking care of 3 kids seems easy. When he's home for 2 days, he remembers that it isn't so easy.

Anyway, enough complaining. I still have work to do tonight so I'd best get on with it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Skating By

I haven't been on form for a couple weeks now. I have an occasional good day and but overall I'm not doing so well. I'm still eating a lot more veggies and fruit than I used to, but I'm not tracking my food intake and I know I'm going over on a lot of days. I've been slowly gaining and then losing the same couple pounds for the last 2 weeks. I'm back up 1 1/2 pounds from several weeks ago. I didn't exercise at all this weekend, although I justified that with the fact that I was so busy. Saturday we were busy until I went to bed at 10:30 pm and it was an active busy day, so I don't feel bad about not exercising that day. But, Sunday I was just lazy. In fact, I felt truly lethargic. I don't know what was wrong with me. I just sat around and watched movies except for some shopping. I made a half-hearted attempt to find some better-fitting pants, but when all 4 I tried on were too small, I gave up and left the store. I couldn't stop eating yesterday. I ate good foods and bad foods - from early morning until late at night. I probably consumed 3000 calories yesterday - a lot of it was fruits and veggies, but I had a lot of bad stuff too. And I ate full-fat ranch with my veggies. I just didn't care - or I did, but I told myself I didn't.

I'm just wondering where my motivation has gone. Some days I can kinda recapture my motivation and really make the effort toward losing weight but too many days I just can't be bothered. I am no longer automatically turning to water or diet soda. I'm not automatically saying no to foods that I know are high-fat or calorie.

Today was the first weekday that I woke up and decided immediately not to do my mid-day workout. I didn't even try to argue myself into doing it.

I just feel done somehow and I'm not sure how to undone myself.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


Weight: 163.8
Lost: 0.2

Numbers are fine with me this week - I thought for sure it would be another gain but I did well the last couple days. I've really been struggling with staying on track because I feel depressed and lacking in motivation at the moment. However, I am still exercising every day - I'm on day 38! I feel good about that, if nothing else.

Hubby is still away and won't be coming home until next week. He's only coming home for a VISIT though, because he'll be gone again after 3 days of being home. I told him this lifestyle is unacceptable to me, I want a husband who is home, not one who visits! Hubby's response was that we'll move north where he is being sent to work next year. He is fine with his traveling and isn't in a rush to change it. We've had this argument every time we've talked this trip so I've turned off my phone and I don't want to talk to him about any of it anymore. It makes me feel sad and hopeless about the situation.

Food-wise, I haven't been tracking what I've been eating. We don't have any junk food in the house, so there's no opportunity to eat it, but I'm not watching my portions or anything at the moment. I need to get back on track, but can't be bothered at the moment. Exercising is my priority, and trying to drink water and choose good foods more often than not.

Hopefully this next week will progress better.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Weigh-In & More

Current Weight: 164
Last Weight: 163.6

GAIN: 0.4

Okay, that could have been WAY worse, considering how I've been eating the past few days. I'm talking over 2000 calories yesterday. I was going to go to bed at 1800 calories to avoid additional eating, but ended up eating MORE instead. I was making my daughter's sandwich for today's lunch and decided I was hungry and wanted one. I WAS NOT hungry, actually, and I know better than to eat PEANUT BUTTER just before going to bed. That was probably a 300 - 400 calorie sandwich. I followed that up with a huge glass of fruit juice. Ugh! What am I doing!?!?

I started my day with 2 ice creams. They were diet ice creams, but still. I then ate:

1 buttered toast
1/2 cup coffee w/ non-fat creamer & sugar
frozen dinner, beef pot roast
pasta & veggies in cheese sauce
large bowl Frosted Flakes

This was all eaten by 1pm. I don't know why I keep eating - I wasn't even hungry when I had the Frosted Flakes!! Obviously, I'm using food and this is the type of behavior that got me to be obese, but how do I turn it off?

I tried to examine my feelings: I'm upset that hubby is out of town AGAIN; I'm sad that my parents are gone and their visit was so short; I'm worried about my youngest, whose been sick for nearly a week; I have a huge stress knot in the back of my neck that's so painful I can't even touch it; I'm disappointed and disgusted with myself for going off track, and so badly. I'm definitely feeling "depressed" - i.e. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, I just want to sleep, the house is falling apart and I'm avoiding work. I just don't know how to get out of this rut.

I tried doing a good cardio exercise DVD today but I only managed about 15 mins and then turned it off cuz I have NO energy. I then tried a Pilates workout, thinking that would stretch me, loosen me, and relax me but I only did about 10 minutes and just plain wasn't into it. At least I got some exercise, such as it is. I had planned to walk the kids to the park today but don't want to do that with the baby ill.

So, I need to concentrate on what I HAVE accomplished. Even though I've fallen off the wagon with my eating, I've still been exercising everyday. Last night I did nearly 2 hours on the treadmill. I'm now on day 32 of my 100 day goal and I've only used one of my 5 free days. I'm nearly 1/3 of the way there! I can easily see achieving that goal.

I've decided to get myself back into the eating groove by attempting a "reset." I'm going to strive to eat ONLY fruits & veg for 24 hours and then fruit & veg and grain & milk for 24 hours after that. I'll see how I feel then. Maybe I'll regain my energy and rewire my mood. That's what I'm hoping anyway. No more mindless eating!!!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I don't know why, but I am SO hungry this week. I feel super hungry, even though I'm assuming its emotional not physical. There's no difference right now, though. My stomach feels empty and rumbly even though I know I've eaten enough. My shut-off switch is malfunctioning again.

I'm fighting with the only way I know at this point: exercise. I'm still on my 100 day challenge, on like day 30 or something. I'll have to get a countdown for it. Anyway, I figure that even though I'm averaging about 1700 or 1800 calories right now, I can offset some of it by my exercising. I just hope this doesn't last long. I can say in all confidence that my weigh-in will not be a loss this week, though.

I think I am struggling with loneliness most. I work from home. I don't leave the house unless I have to run errands and even then not for long. There's me and the kids and that's about the sum of my life outside of work and taking care of the house. That's not enough, simply put. Even when hubby is here, it isn't enough. I know that logically, I just haven't found enough self-motivation to get outside my comfort zone and change that fact. That's my goal for the next 2 weeks, which is approx the amount of time hubby will be away.

Anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight in an effort to avoid additional eating. I'm already at 1800 today!

Monday, May 4, 2009

Back to the grind stone...

It was a nice visit with my parents and good to have had Friday off from work. I was bummed this morning to get back to work and the normal schedule. I was also sad yesterday when my parents left - it had been good to have them visit. It's difficult because hubby is leaving town again today and will be gone for more than a week already. He usually has to extend his time out of town so I'm assuming he'll be out of town for at least 2 weeks.

So, since my parents are also trying to lose weight, we didn't have a food free-for-all while they were visiting, but I also wasn't tracking what I ate that well and I know I had some pretty late snacks on Friday and Saturday nights. I didn't lose any weight but gained about half a pound during their visit. I also have been doing the bare minimum for exercise since Thursday, which will account for some of that. But, that's okay - at least I didn't gain a bunch of weight and it was worth relaxing a little and concentrating on enjoying the visit rather than weighing and checking and obsessing over everything that I ate.

Money is still super tight and I'm very bummed about that. It feels like we'll never get out of this financial hole. I'm SO tired of worrying about paying EVERY bill and not having ANY disposable income whatsoever. My parents offered to give us some money but I declined. I wanted to accept! But, they helped a LOT when I was in my 20's and I feel like by now I should be independent. I need to stand on my own two feet. I know I can't control the economy or how much hubby and I are getting paid/working, and we do work hard when we have the work available to us, but it's our decision to have the stuff that costs us so much $$ each month and it was our decision to not have more of a savings. So, I feel like we just need to suck it up and keep striving to make it each month without help. EVENTUALLY we will come through this, we just need to live as frugally as possible in the meantime. It sucks and I hate it but it's necessary thanks to our high house payment, car payments, etc. etc.