Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Feeling Stronger

Last night I finished work, loaded the kids into the car and headed to the grocery store. We didn't need a lot because we were gone all last week, but we needed cereals, breads, fruits and veggies that were used up or spoiled while we were away. Even though I regained the couple pounds I lost at the beginning of last week and haven't really exercised in the past week, I felt smaller while walking around the store. I don't know why, but I felt better than I have in a long time. I usually feel extremely self-conscious at the store, but I didn't. I felt...at peace with myself and just content to be doing a normal, everyday activity.

Later that night, I sat watching Biggest Loser and working on a crochet project. I, of course, kept thinking about food. I had purchased some diet friendly snacks at the store and I really wanted to eat one or two even though I had eaten plenty for dinner. But, I resisted and actually made it to bed without eating again. And, really it wasn't that difficult.

So what was different? Usually the pull to eat food at night is so great that I can't resist most nights. Sometimes I don't even try to resist and other times I ignore the desire to eat for a couple hours before I finally give in to it. So, why was it relatively easy last night? Obviously, I felt better, more content; much more than I usually do. So, that could answer the question as to why it was easier to resist eating.

Which leads me to question why I felt better. What happened that I felt more at peace with myself and less unhappy with who I am?

The only answer that really makes any sense is my visit with my parents. I've always felt that I was a disappointment to my parents, for not having a bigger career, having too many kids, marrying too young, etc. I don't live the lifestyle they wanted me to live. But, during this visit, I didn't feel any of that, that I was a disappointment or not good enough. I didn't feel like I was annoying my parents just by my very existence. I felt they accepted me for who I've become and the decisions I've made and they were just happy to see me and visit with me and the lifestyle choices and career choices didn't really matter. They just wanted me to be me and to be happy. That's how I felt and it was great.

And I don't think the change in perception was a change in their behavior toward me. I think I just finally opened my eyes and realized that I've been projecting my ideas of who I thought my parents wanted me to be onto them. It was me all along, not them. I just needed to change my perception of myself.

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