Me n Pizza

This is my typical behavior: I have a 1.6 pound weight loss in less than a week. I eat half a pizza for dinner. I am back up on the scale the following morning. (My 2-step program in action.)

Why do I do that? First off, when I decided to order pizza for dinner, I knew it was a mistake. I told myself I would only eat 2 pieces and that it wasn't completely bad because I was getting the multi-grain crust. Like that makes up for the gazillion calories and fat grams?? Not. Anyway, so then we get the pizza and I don't eat 2 or 3 or even 4 pieces - I eat 5 pieces of pizza! And if that weren't bad enough, I drink a glass of full-cal Mountain Dew.

The weight loss should have given me the motivation to do well, not slide back. But, it seems that every time I start doing well, I have to sabotage my efforts. This is a NOT GOOD cycle. Not the end of the world, of course, but I need to figure out why I do this.

Today is better. I ate my one egg on whole-wheat english muffin with no condiment for breakfast. Fruit for snack. Veggie soup and fruit for lunch.

At the gym:

20 min stationary bike
30 min eliptical
10 min strength training

I wanted to do some work on a step machine, but ran out of time cuz I had to be home before the girls arrived from school.

On the eliptical, I went balls-out (as hubby would say) and got my heart rate up to 180. I was huffing and puffing and seeing stars, but I felt really good for it afterward. That was for the pizza!

Weigh-in

Today is my first Thursday weigh-in. Here are the numbers:

Weight: 168
Weight lost: -1.6

Total Weight Lost: 18
First Weight Goal: 140
Weight to go: 28

So, finally NOT a 0.2 pound weight loss, yay! I'm very happy considering its only been since Monday. I know its primarily down to the exercising, but also I've been doing really good about not eating at night. I've finally learned that if I eat dinner and then have something sweet straight after, I don't keep going back to the fridge all night. I don't know why I need to eat something sweet after dinner, but at least I know how to control it. I've been eating either 2 snack size York Peppermint Patties (which is about 100 calories) or a fruit chewy snack (80 calories) - so it doesn't push me over my caloric limit.

I'm also doing better at drinking water because of the exercising.

So, all in all everything is going well this week!

I did 30 min on the treadmill at the gym today. I was very short on time because of work commitments and I wanted to give my muscles a chance to recover from the last couple days. I feel it was a good decision for today.

Good Day

Although it's still mid-afternoon, I've had a good day so far. Very productive. And without having to run back to work I was able to prolong my workout at the gym. I did:

20 min eliptical
20 min stationary bike
15 min strength training (I'll increase this as I get stronger)
30 min treadmill

I didn't try jogging today because I'm a bit sore from yesterday's jog. In fact, I'm quite sore since I've returned from the gym and sat down for a bit. When I tried to get up and walk again I moved like an old lady! Yay for that!! I love that feeling. (I know, I'm a weirdo.) But in the interest of not over doing it and possibly injuring myself, I'm just going to walk on the treadmill tomorrow, I think. Unless I feel great and want to do more.

I was very happy today when I was working out. I felt much more comfortable and realized "I can really, really see myself doing this every day." There aren't any downsides! I like exercising and the feeling it gives me. I know that making a habit of going at 12:30 every day without thinking about it means I'm much more likely to go. I don't feel like I'm in a hurry to leave while I'm there so I know I will get a full workout. And with so many machines and classes available, I know I won't get bored.

In fact, my next goal is to join a class. That is going to be super hard for me because I am so shy and uncomfortable in groups. But, my goal is by March 1, I want to have joined a class. I'm thinking I'll do a Pilates class since I'm getting enough cardio and strength training on my own for the moment. Maybe when I've really built up some stamina and muscles I can do a spin class or the cardio/weight training class. But, for now, Pilates sounds like it's a good bet for me. I can certainly use the stretching!

Welp, I'm off to the library for some much-needed books and CD's.

Believe it or not, my kids love library day. See? We're all a little kooky in this house :)

Day Off!

I'm off work today for a medical appointment and just to unwind a bit. Work has been really stressful lately. In fact, I was feeling so stressed last night, I kept thinking "I'm hungry!" but then would remember "no, you're just stressed." And last night I was really unhappy with myself because I don't feel like I handle work problems well, which starts the negative inner comments, which starts the feelings of being depressed. I kept telling myself "you are not going to think this way; thinking this way leads to fat, unhappy you who does not get out of bed, exercise or take care of her kids properly." I had a brief bout of self-pity crying and then got ahold of myself again. I think I did pretty well taking control rather than letting myself be dragged through the mud of my emotions.

So, having a (paid) day off is great! I'm getting blood work drawn at my doctor's to check my levels are all good.

I'm keeping the 12:30 gym appointment because I'm just starting that routine and want to keep it going. In fact, I used my gym time today to distract myself from feeling bad when I was going to sleep last night. I began planning which machines in which order I would work out on today. Next thing I know, it's morning, so it worked! It's almost laughable that I would be falling asleep to thoughts of gym workouts.

I STILL need to work on my water consumption. I'm up to 4 glasses per day, but need to hit that 6. My goal is 6 rather than 8 because when I drink 6 I'm peeing clear so I figure that's enough lol.

When I started this blog, I was really hoping it would help bring accountability to my weight loss goal, as well as a refresh on my motivation. I really didn't imagine anyone would want to read what I have to say or respond at all. It is AMAZING that you are reading this and giving me support and motivation with your kind words. I feel renewed and strong and great. I can't thank you guys enough for it.

Forgive the caps, but this is big...

Okay, that's probably an exaggeration, but to me this is big. I JOGGED FOR 15 MINUTES STRAIGHT on the treadmill at the gym today! Anytime I've tried jogging before I could barely do a couple minutes without feeling like I was going to keel over. I try to do the walk with an occasional jog for 60 seconds thing to help burn calories and started doing that early on in my workout today. After a couple minutes, I felt okay and thought "wow, I think I can go 5 minutes" - at 5 minutes, I thought I could go 10 minutes - at 10 minutes, I thought I could even go 15 minutes. At 15 minutes, my butt muscles were separating from my back and I had to quit cuz it was becoming severely uncomfortable. I kept imagining my behind as like a car with the shocks gone out and whenever the driver goes over a bump the back end keeps bouncing long after. My shocks were defo not up to par! But, nevermind that, I JOGGED FOR 15 MINUTES!!! I had such a high after that.

I did another 20 minutes on the treadmill with 10 of those on a good incline. I then worked out for 15 minutes on the strength training machines, despite there being other people in the room. I was too happy with my jogging to care about looking like a fat, uncoordinated, don't know what I'm doing on the weight machines. Then I topped it all off with 10 minutes on the stationary bike. By then I had to get the baby and get back home to work cuz there were all kinds of problems today.

The daycare was really nice and Nathan didn't care at all when I left him. You wouldn't guess he's never been left in daycare or school, he just walked away from me and started playing. He didn't look up when I left and when I came back he just ignored me. That kid is so hard on the mommy feelings lol. There were about 4 girls running the daycare room and about 8 kids, so I felt really comfortable with the odds. They also have a lock on the door so the kids can't get out and a secure check-in system for parents so no one can take off with someone else's kid. But, really, they seem to recognize most of the parents anyway so I don't think that would be a problem.

All in all I felt really happy with my gym experience today. I'm looking forward to Thursday's weigh-in :). Altho, I must keep in mind that muscle weighs more than fat!

It's all in the timing...

So, today, 2 days after signing away $$ for the next few months, I was told my hours are being cut at work. Not cool! Not that I regret joining the gym...and maybe it's better that I didn't know in advance because then I definitely would not have joined the gym and I really like exercising there...but still. It's not a huge decrease and we'll probably be fine. Plus, I don't have to pay the babysitter as much and I get Fridays off for a while, which is nice. Still, it's always a worry.

I've also decided today is my last Monday weigh-in. Mondays are difficult enough without facing the scale, I decided. So, my new weigh-in day is Thursday. I also put the scale up in the closet so I'll stop obsessively jumping on it every time I go in for a pee.

I still weighed myself this morning since it's technically still my weigh-in day. And I'd almost rather not post it:

Weight: 169.6
First Goal: 140

Sad, eh? Another .2 loss. At this rate, it will take me nearly 6 years to lose the 60 pounds I ultimately want to lose. I'm hoping for better numbers after some gym work!

I know this past week hasn't been my greatest with regard to diet and exercise, so I'm not stressing it too much. Although a 0.2 loss for 2 weeks running is a bit embarrassing, especially considering I only just started blogging about my so-called weight loss efforts.

Today I went to the gym late because I wanted to check out the daycare before I took the baby with me. Hubby had a meeting so I knew he'd be home by the afternoon. I ended up going at 4:00 pm, which was later than I had wanted to and it was definitely more crowded. But, still not so much that I had to wait for a treadmill. I did 40 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes on an eliptical. I didn't do any strength training because: a. I felt uncomfortable with so many people there; b. My left calf was still sore; c. I was starving hungry! Guess what the TV was showing while I was on the treadmill?? The Food Network! I was practically salivating. I must remember to have a snack an hour before workout time.

I reserved a spot for my son at 12:30 pm tomorrow. So, I have to go now. Not that I think it will be a problem, it's just good to have extra incentive.

For Better or Worse

So, I made the commitment to a gym. I hereby promise to work out at the gym at least 3 days a week for the next 48 weeks. Scary! But, in a good way. Yesterday I worked out for over an hour: on an eliptical, treadmill and the strength training machines. They have a room of women's only strength training machines away from the main floor, which is too cool because I always feel self-conscious on them. There was NO ONE in that room while I was there. They also have a small room off that room with a few cardio machines if you don't feel like exercising in front of a bunch of people, which is also good for me. Although, unfortunately all the treadmills are on the main floor. But, I didn't feel self-conscious in the least. The majority of the exercisers (of which there were about 20 at any given time) were overweight men. I only saw about 5 women the whole time I was in the gym. There were a few intimidating gym bunnies, but they were outnumbered so I felt safe.

All in all, it's a good gym. The main selling point was the free babysitting! Between 8am and 8pm, Monday through Thursday, and 8am to 6pm Friday, I can drop my two youngest kids off for babysitting while I work out. How cool is that?? So, even if hubby is out of town, I can still work out. Its a no-excuses gym :). They have good hours too - 4:30 am to 11:00 pm most of the week. No excuse there, either, then.

The money was pretty high, but worth it if I can finally reach my ultimate goal. And I can pay for it plus some just by working an extra hour each weekend. That's not hard, right?

Weirdly, despite my efforts yesterday, only my left calf is sore today. How does that happen?? It should at least be both calves, right?

Because I purchased the membership through my health insurance, my membership doesn't officially start until midday tomorrow. So, no working out today. Which, I'm actually disappointed about. I'd be at the gym right now if I could. I hope that sentiment lasts!!

To Gym or Not To Gym

Okay, so I'm seriously thinking about joining a gym. I get a discount (although likely minimal) on a gym membership through my health insurance, but it is still more than 40 a month. Although I don't have to commit to a contract, there is still a hefty sign-on fee so I would need to use the service for several months at least to make it worthwhile in the end.

I'm also considering less upscale gyms that may be cheaper (they don't have websites so I don't know the pricing yet).

The thing is, right now I feel jazzed about working out in a gym. I have before and I totally kicked ass, sometimes working out for as long as 2 hours. But, then I started having work problems and stopped working out at the gym. Once I'd stopped, I never went back.

The difference now is my schedule is much more flexible. But hubby is often away. But, the gym won't be nearly as intimidating because I'm in a small town whereas the last gym I was a member of was so crowded you sometimes had to wait for a machine. And there were gorgeous bodies everywhere. People everywhere. Sometimes hundreds in the gym at one time. I'm very intimidated by crowds. I seriously doubt I will have that problem where I live now.

But, I can't afford to commit to something and then not go.

So, I don't know what I will do. The thought of going to work out at a gym has me skipping about the house - I LOVE the potential. I want to break sweat like the BL contestants.

Can I trust myself to keep doing it, every day or at least 3 times a week?

I wish I could say yes, without a doubt.

Well, I'll just have to go see em and decide, won't I.

Follow-up

Here's how I did today: Okay on the water (4 glasses, which is up from the usual 1 - 2 glasses but still didn't meet the minimum); okay on the exercise (15 minutes of pretty tough exercising, but not one of my DVD's and not for the requisite 30 minutes); good on the food (I ate 70% fruit/veggies, 10% low-fat dairy and 20% grains); and good on the tracking food (I ate 1200 calories and 24 grams of fat, which is better than it was).

So, an okay to good day.

Looking forward to the weekend. Sunday we have a family hike planned, which I love to do.

Today is the Day!

It's time. Time to get my act together and start behaving as though I want to seriously lose weight. Enough kinda losing weight. Enough kinda dieting and exericising. It is past time for me to get down and dirty with this war against my fat. I want to shrink my booty and stop just talking about it.

So, back to my daily commitments. I WILL drink 6 glasses of water today. I will also do one of my exercise DVD's.

On top of all that, I will document my consumption. I purchased and downloaded FitDay for $20 last year and used it for a few weeks, but then stopped. It can be annoying and time consuming entering every bite you eat or sip of drink you take, especially when the food isn't already listed and you have to input the nutrition information yourself. However, it's a great tool for determining how well you're eating - how many calories, how much fat, how nutritious your food is, etc. For instance, I realized last time I was monitoring my food that I was doing well with fiber but my fat was a little high and my Vitamin D intake was really low. My calcium intake wasn't so great either. So, I added a glass of non-fat milk and some yogurt to my diet and that seemed to improve matters a bit.

I feel good today, so there's NO excuses not to drink my water and get my exercise. I'll post later on how I did today.

My Baby's Back

It was a good day, personally, because hubby came home from a work trip. He was gone for more than a week, which felt like forever. Sometimes he's gone for so long that the kids and I have to re-adjust to have him back; we get accustomed to our schedules while he's gone. But, I absolutely love having him back home. And not just because I have help with the kids again and can actually leave the house sans little ones, but he's my best friend too and I just miss having him around.

Not so much going on with the weight loss. I did better with the water today, but still didn't make it to the requisite 6 glasses.

Also, disappointingly, I haven't gotten back on the exercise wagon. I keep saying "tomorrow I'll start, today was too difficult because I'm tired, or I have a headache, or I've put in extra hours at work," so on and so forth. I know better than to make excuses. I know I'll feel tons better if I exercise. The walking is good exercise, but I want to get back to the really hard exercise where you sweat so much that you lose a couple pounds just in water. The kind where you can barely cross the room when you're done cuz you're legs are so shaky. That's where I want to get to again. When I was really, really pushing myself exercising, I felt so strong and healthy after a few weeks. The difference was amazing! I want that again; it's just so hard to get started.

Ugh! I annoy me sometimes.

Going Outside My Comfort Zone

Just writing this post is going to be going outside my comfort zone, because I'm about to uncover my windows.

Today I went to see a therapist about my "depression." It feels like an excuse, to even say I'm depressed. Like a cop-out on life. It's embarrassing and uncomfortable to speak with someone about my "problems." I don't really even have problems, which really is the problem. I mean, the fact that I'm feeling down with no real reason to feel that way, that's the problem.

I don't like the idea of someone analyzing me, though. What conclusion will they reach about my motivations and overall character? Am I worried they'll find something deeply, unfixably wrong with me?

My stomach was in knots right before my appointment, like I was on my way to a really big job interview. Was I nervous because I wanted so badly to be liked? Probably.

Anyway, the appointment went well enough. Although I feel I wasn't exactly honest with the therapist. I answered her questions, but I know I didn't answer them as fully as I could have. I know the overall picture I painted was of a busy, working mother who was trying to juggle a lot on her plate and doing the best she could. I didn't discuss how I can't get out of bed in the morning. How I find it so difficult to take care of my kids. How I can't talk to my teenagers or take the time to play with my 6 year old. How I'd rather stick everyone in the playroom and then hide in my bedroom to read than interact with my family. How I dread my work so much that sometimes I wish something really bad would happen to me so that I physically couldn't work, even though I know I would totally regret that. That's the reality, but I just let her believe I was the kind of mother and wife I want to be; not what I actually am.

Surviving Down Days

Yesterday turned out to be a less than good day and today isn't going so well either. I have no motivation to exercise and I feel rather down. I didn't drink enough water as I had committed to. In fact, I drank a lot of coffee and tea, which probably didn't make me feel any better.

But, tomorrow is a new day and today isn't over yet either. I think I'll take the kids for a walk in a little bit. Even a little something is better than nothing. I don't have to be perfect.

Leaving a Warm Bed

Weight: 169.8
First Goal: 140

Is there anything more difficult than getting out of bed on a cold, Monday morning? Especially when you know you have a ton of work to do that you just don't want to do. It's even more difficult when you don't have to punch a clock or arrive to work at a specific time. Since I work from home, no one but me (and the babysitter!) know if I get up and to work "on time." So, I'm always happy when I manage to get my behind in gear and start working by 8 am. Today, I'm here but dragging... I have a mild headache and I feel as though I slept in a prickly bush.

I had a bad night last night. The older kids bought candy to eat while we watched a movie and I resisted at first, but then I thought I'd just have one of each... an hour later and I'd eaten more than my share of the goodies. I should have had a much bigger loss this morning, but I know I'm up nearly a pound from yesterday morning. I'm so annoyed with myself. Not to the point where I'm going to give up all hope and not bother anymore; just kinda in a self-hand-slapping way. I know I can recover, but it's annoying nonetheless. I didn't even get much exercise yesterday because, although I had intended to walk around at a new park yesterday, I ended up just walking the short distance to the playground and back.

I'm starting a new system today though, especially since I have *some* accountability here. I know there are numerous steps one can take to make a weight loss goal happen and they seem really easy to do. For instance, drinking more water, not eating 3 hours before bedtime, 30 minutes of exercise daily, eating more fiber, eating small meals throughout the day, eating breakfast, etc. But, making all those changes aren't as easy as they would seem. I am learning to eat breakfast, but I'm terrible with drinking water. I still tend to eat bigger meals and eating before bedtime... that's definitely a battle.

Therefore, in an effort to become accustomed to these changes, I'm going to take on one a day. I'm going to assign a daily commitment to myself. Every day I will commit to drinking 6 glasses of water or not eating 3 hours before bedtime or eating 5 or more servings of fruits and veg. Hopefully this will get me accustomed to doing these things and only having to concentrate on one a day makes it seem more doable.

Today, I'll do the water. That is the hardest thing of all for me to do. And today is a good day because I don't have to do any errands.

So, 6 glasses of water and lots of peeing...here I go.

Introspective Sunday

I had a good day yesterday. I took the younger kids to the playground and parked a good quarter mile away. Since my youngest is 1, I had to follow him closely the entire time we were at the playground and he's a busy boy. We were climbing up steps, down steps, running up and down the ramp and he likes to explore the outer reaches of the playground. I definitely got exercise after doing that for an hour, but it didn't feel like exercise! It was such a beautiful day, too.

I had a hot dog and stir fried veggies for dinner. I know, strange combo but I was really hankerin for a hot dog. Which is weird because I used to hate them. Anyway, it wasn't the best dinner, but not the worst either, especially with a good helping of the veggies. The only sauce I put on the veggies was a small drizzle of soy sauce.

For a snack I had popcorn with butter. Yep, real butter. Usually I use light butter but I put the real stuff on last night. OMG! It tasted good! But, I only had one bowl and then nothing else the rest of the night so I don't feel like that was a horrible choice. Sometimes you eat more when you try to stick with the low-fat or low-carb choices than just to have a little of the thing you actually want.

Lazy Saturday

I will go for a walk today. I will. Just, um, not yet. I have to take my son to the mall and my daughter's friend is coming over for the night, so that means shuttling them around too. But, it's a beautiful day, sunny and warm, and I know I will feel better if I get some sun and exercise; I always do. It's just a matter of actually doing it.

Eating-wise, I've been doing well. Amazingly, I've had a box of assorted See's chocolates since Christmas and they're still not gone. I've been eating a couple a night and that's it! That's amazing for me. And I haven't been wanting to eat my weight in snacks late at night. I don't know if that's the result of drinking a lot of ice water in the evenings or because I'm eating a healthier diet and my body isn't craving nutrients. Maybe it's both.

I'm also finally eating breakfast regularly. I wake up hungry! I used to not get hungry for at least a couple hours after I'd wake up. I guess my body is starting to work on a "normal" schedule. Whatever the reason, it's nice to not be suddenly stricken by painful hunger several hours after I wake and willing to eat anything and everything.

Monday, I'm going to start a new daily quota to meet, but I'll go into that then.

In the meantime, I have chaufeurring and a walk to do.

Day 1

I love Day 1. Not only is this my first day of this weight loss blog, it's my first ever blog! It's like writing on a brand new note pad. No scratch marks; no torn bits of paper caught in the spirals.

I have actually been losing weight since March 2008, when I topped out at 186 pounds. Currently, I weigh 169 pounds.

I have created my own two-step program: For every two steps I take with my diet and exercise, I take one and a half steps back with going off the program. This has led to a whopping 1.5 pound average monthly loss for the last 9 months. At this rate, I will be svelte by 2012.