Determination

I was talking to my sister the other day and she was telling me about how my parents had decided around New Years' to lose weight and how well they were doing. Apparently, my dad has already lost about 20 pounds and my mom about 10 or 15 pounds. They are eating low-fat and exercising by walking, either around their neighborhood or on their treadmill. My sister said they both look noticably thinner.

I was looking at my weight loss efforts. My first weigh-in this year was January 21 and I weighed 169.6 pounds. This morning I weighed 167.0 pounds. That means I have effectively lost 2.6 pounds in 3 1/2 months. That's frustrating. Where's my 15 or 20 pound loss? Why are my parents doing so well, in their 60's, and I'm struggling each week, sometimes losing a little, then gaining a little back.

I know I was doing pretty well the last few weeks, and my current weight is lower than it was a month ago, but I have already reversed some of the effects of my hard earned weight loss when I regained a pound. If it wasn't for the fact that I have weighed in the upper 160's to lower 170's since, like, October 2008, it wouldn't be so bad. I may be slightly lower now than I was 6 months ago, but I am losing less than a quarter of a pound per month on average.

I bemoaned my lack of progress to my sister after she told me about my parents' success and she said they are DETERMINED to lose weight. She said they don't cheat, ever. She said they are rigorous in their daily exercise. She said they take the time to prepare healthy meals and they only buy healthy food.

I have ice cream in my freezer. Why do I have ice cream? I buy ALL the food that comes into this house. I should be able to control what food is available at home.

It was hard to be reminded that, although I have been doing pretty well, I have not been doing well enough for a significant, steady weight loss. I know that I go over my weekly points every week. I know that I am eating when I'm not necessarily hungry. I know that I have my fall-down days, a little too often. I know that I exercise half-heartedly some days and don't even work up a sweat. I know how much effort I'm really putting in and, on average, it is about half a pound a month.

My goal today, and tomorrow, and the next day, until I "get" it, is to fully embrace determination. I want to get my head around what I really want; do I want to be thinner? healthier? stronger? Or do I want to eat to cope emotionally? To eat out of boredom? To eat because I'm sad or frustrated or unhappy or don't feel loved.

It doesn't escape my notice that my eating habits are appalling when hubby is home. I revert back to old, bad habits.

This morning, I woke early and couldn't get back to sleep. I kept thinking of that phrase from the Dr. Phil show: "This is going to be a changing day in your life." Not that I particularly care for Dr. Phil, but I love that phrase. It kept repeating in my head. I want today to be a changing day in my life. I want the DETERMINATION, to not just lose weight but to take control and stop letting my moods control me.

Firstly, I want to eat only when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. I've learned to recognize when I'm eating when I'm not hungry, but I haven't learned to JUST SAY NO.

Secondly, I want to push myself physically. No more half-hearted exercises. I want to continue to feel stronger and healthier.

Thirdly, when I eat, I want it to be healthy. I know that white bread tastes better, but so what? The taste lasts so briefly. The POINT of eating is sustenance, not taste. The benefits of eating healthier go way beyond five minutes of pleasure during the eating of less nutritious food.

No more hiding behind excuses. It's difficult to change; I know that. If I was no longer fat, what excuse would I have not to be more active? more social? I don't have to go out and meet people, because I'm fat and I don't like how people automatically judge me based on my weight. I don't have to take time to make myself look and feel prettier, because I'm fat and make-up won't change that. I don't have to try to push myself to do activities with other people, because I'm fat and I can't do it well enough.

When I joined my gym I was offered 5 sessions with a trainer. You know why I didn't take them up on that? Because I'm too fat. I wouldn't be able to do the exercises very well anyway. And I don't want some fit, young trainer looking at my wobbly, jiggly body.

I'm not happy with myself, with the niche I have carved for myself. But, it is SAFER to stay here, where I know what to expect, than to change things up and have the unexpected happen. I am RESISTANT to change.

Only I can decide when enough is enough and realize that being in a safe unhappy zone is no way to live.

Today is going to be a changing day in my life. I can do this.