Tuesday, January 19, 2010


That's all I thought about today - food. I ate a lot. I don't know how much because I didn't track it. And I ate bad - chocolate, ice cream, candy, McDonald's, coke. Ugh! I probably undid about a week's worth of exercising in one day. And it wasn't that I was unhappy today. I just had no willpower whatsoever. I had no discipline or drive to focus on my healthy eating. I didn't even try to deny myself. I really didn't even justify it other than that to think that at least its been a long time since I've eaten this way - what the hell kinda reasoning is that? I didn't fight myself at all.

So, what's going on... My 2 year old is sick with the flu, which is a bit stressful. Work is, well, work. It isn't that bad at the moment other than I don't want to do it because now that I'm getting friends I have better things to do. Um, I've been super busy, but in a good way, or so I assumed. I don't know, really. I have been really pushing myself with exercise and today was the first day in a couple weeks that I didn't exercise at all, not even a walk, and didn't feel sore in any muscle.

I was feeling guilty over the weekend because of my 16 year old, who is currently living with his father. I was worrying that maybe I haven't been making enough of an effort to touch base with him, check on how he's doing. That could definitely cause me to want to sabotage myself.

Or maybe I'm feeling the pressure of getting close to the 140's and I am struggling with that. I mean, sometimes when you are close to a goal, you start freaking out that you're going to fail so you just give up before that can happen. Maybe that's where my head is?

I really don't know but I hope I can get my game back on tomorrow.

I can say that I have noticed a trend where I have one to three days a week where my calories go way up. Its a wave each week. I start out low, then hit a peak sometime in the middle of the week, then coast back down to a reasonable level. So, I've learned something tracking my calories.

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