Weigh-In

Weight: 154.8
Gain: 2

Yep, a gain this week. One could blame it on Christmas, but I know that isn't when I gained the weight. I actually did really well on Christmas day and the day following. It was the 27th, 28th and 29th that were the gut busters. I don't know why, but I was doing that thing...you know, where you can't stop eating, don't feel full even when your stomach is uncomfortably stuffed? When you can't seem to stop walking to the cupboard and/or fridge, over and over again, like every ten minutes or even five minutes. Sometimes you close it and walk away. Maybe even over and over, you walk to the fridge, open the door, look inside, close the door and walk away, only to return after 5 minutes and repeat the process. Once, twice, three times, then, on the fourth round, you grab a pudding cup, or a slice of cheese, or some bread and peanut butter. Make a quick snack. Then go back to what you were doing. Except, five minutes later, you're up and back at the fridge. Gazing at the shelves while you still have the taste of peanut butter in your mouth. And you know you aren't technically hungry, but you WANT to eat. Its not a vague want, but a driving need... yes, I can see why people call overeating an addiction. I have spent the last three nights knowingly eating well beyond my calorie needs for the day; caring but not caring that I was definitely eating more than I was burning off. Eating when I knew damn well I wasn't in the least hungry in the physical sense. I didn't try to distract myself or write in my journal or try to ignore it; I gave in without much fight actually. I even rather enjoyed giving in. Like I was sticking it to myself. The other self, the self that exercises and counts calories and reads diet books and makes goals.

I feel better today. I guess I've had my "fix" for the time being.

Me & Christmas = Exercise (??)

Yep, I spent Christmas day exercising my leg muscles rather than my jaw muscles. Hubby was grand enough to buy me a heart rate monitor (yay!) and he surprised me with the Biggest Loser game for the Wii for Christmas. I hadn't played the Wii in ages! I initially purchased it to play the Wii Fit game but got bored after a few weeks and shoved it in the closet. We hadn't even unpacked it when we moved in August.

First thing, I went out to do my run with my new heart rate monitor. I ran 9 laps for just over 1 mile. Okay, that doesn't sound like much, but trust me it is! For me to be able to run an entire mile is a big, big deal. I didn't time myself but I did use my heart rate monitor to calculate the mileage and also I tracked my heart rate (obviously). When I was halfway through, I looked and saw that my heart rate was just over 100 BPM. This seemed low, so I sped up until I got a side cramp on lap 6. I slowed down a wee bit for the next two laps and then sped up again on the last lap. When I checked my heart rate, it was 189!

After that, I played the Wii BL game. It was basically a fairly intense (I chose intermediate level) workout with occasional comments from the trainer (I chose Jillian). I only did the one workout so I don't know if it is the same workout each time. They also have challenges you can do. But, no games I was sad to see.

You're supposed to be able to track your caloric intake as well, to help you stay on track to losing weight. However, they only give you options for small, medium or large meals with a set number of calories for each. That could put you off your total number by several hundred calories at the end of the day.

Since we had the Wii out, we played some Wii sports too. It was fun - it's been so long that it was almost like new again.

I made a simple dinner of roasted turkey, baked sweet potatoes and frozen veggies. Since we're so far from family now, we didn't have to go anywhere or have anyone over on Christmas day. It was a nice, relaxing, no pressure day.

In the aftermath of all the Christmas exercising, I've barely been able to walk up and down the stairs! I hobble like an old lady. So, I guess the BL workout and the run were good exercise. I'm bummed that I couldn't go for a jog today, but I was able to hobble around the track at a very slow walk just to get a LITTLE exercise and fresh air. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow!! I'm drinking tons of water, so I'd better be up to running again...

Holidays...gotta love em

So, I made the mistake of taking the kids shopping with their christmas money from grandma tonight. What was I thinking??? I had to eat a McDonald's Big Mac, fries and coke to ease the pain of the traffic and people. Okay...I just really wanted a cheeseburger and fries, but I would have been way more bothered by the traffic and dealing with so many people at once if I hadn't put myself in a fat/sugar coma.

After visiting a couple clothing shops for my 14 year old, I drove us to Barnes & Noble and it was blissfully quiet. I didn't even have to search for a parking space! I guess people don't buy books for christmas presents.

Notice how I capitalize McDonald's and Big Mac but not christmas???? I guess we know what's more important to me.

I didn't step on the scale today, which I know is a good thing. I'm disappointed with my continued "bad" eating. But, today I was much more "oh give up and relax!" to myself. I mean, so it's Christmas (happy?) time and making myself grouchy and upset isn't going to help me to stay on plan is it? Better to just go with the flow and get through this crazy week. Then I can go back to mentally flogging myself.

Yoyo anyone?

I know there's yoyo dieting, but how bout yoyo'ing while dieting in one day? Like, starting out the morning with high-fiber cereal with no sugar, followed by a 1 mile run (I'm just starting out!) and veggie soup with an orange for lunch with morefoodthanIcanlisthere the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about food! (sigh)

I'm so predictable.

Today isn't much better. I started with four pieces of cinamon raisin English muffins and real butter, then had bread w/ peanut butter, cheesy eggs and a couple cookies tossed in for good measure followed by a good round of Jazzercise (yay me!). I then had low-cal beef soup (good), whole grain light bread (good) and a Snickers bar (bad).

Yeah, no control. Whatsoever. And I'm still obsessed with food. Maybe that's why I got fat? Could be...

Cookies, Again

Well, at least they tasted good this time.

Yesterday morning I decided to take the kids to Joann's to get some holiday craft making supplies. Actually, I'm not very creative so I just buy the craft-in-a-box variety. However, they didn't really have any at Joann's and I didn't want to drive to Oregon to go to Michael's. So, we instead purchased an assortment of paintable ornaments and pen-paints.

I then remembered we have cookie cutters that I've never used but have had for several years. So, I thought, why not make sugar cookies and let the kids decorate them? They never really taste good so I wouldn't be tempted to eat them.

And off we went to the grocery store to buy supplies. I texted a friend and invited her and her husband over to decorate and eat cookies. Then I realized that I should make other cookies as well, if I was going to have company over. So, I purchased some chocolate chips. As we were getting ready to go to the checkout, I told my 14 year old to grab some old-fashioned oats so she could try making oatmeal cookies again. I told her to buy the kind that weren't quick oats as that was probably the mistake she had made with the last batch. Oh, yeah, and they had a display of marshmallows and krispies on sale by the checkout so I grabbed the makings of rice krispie treats.

We went home and painted ornaments and then started making cookies. I wasn't going to eat any, well, maybe one or two. I felt strong.

I don't know how many cookies I ate - I couldn't count on two hands probably. And cookie dough (it was so good!). All the cookies turned out fabulously. I kept chugging water to keep my tummy feeling full and I ate a huge baked potato with cheese before we started baking so I wouldn't be hungry for hours, but it didn't stop me from sampling throughout the entire bake-fest.

Fortunately, I had made a pot of veggie soup that morning, which we all ate for dinner. It couldn't have had very many calories since it was entirely made up of fresh veggies. I ate a huge bowl between batches of cookies to also keep me feeling full.

We ended up baking for hours - mostly my 14 year old and myself since the two little ones got bored after a while. They did enjoy cutting out the christmas cookies and, much later, decorating them. So did my friend and her husband. I made them a huge bag of cookies to take home with them. However, we still have several bags of cookies in the pantry that I need to dispose of (and, hopefully, NOT by eating them myself).

I enjoyed our day though. And while I feel disturbed at the number of cookies I ate yesterday, I know it could have been way worse. I know I didn't eat until my stomach feel achingly full or mindlessly. I enjoyed every cookie I ate. I was thoughtful of every cookie I ate. I know that I will need to be extra good today and have a really good workout to use up all those extra calories, but that's okay. I enjoyed our bake-fest and I would rather enjoy holiday baking with my kids and even eat a little too much on that day then try to avoid things we love doing together because I'm too concerned with calories. It's okay to indulge sometimes. It just has to be within reason, done with full acknowledgement and understood there is a need for a little extra effort in the following days.

Yeah, I had a moment of angst when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw I was up 2 pounds. But, instead of giving up on my efforts and pulling out a bag of cookies to drown my misery into, I ate a bowl of wheatabix with no sugar and donned my workout clothes. It's all give and take, right?

Weigh-In

Previous weight: 154.4
Today's weight: 152.8

I'm so happy with my success the last couple weeks! I can't believe I'm down to 152 and nearly to the 140's. I haven't been in the 140's for nearly 8 years. I can't believe it's been so long.

I am a member of a stay-at-home/work-at-home moms group and we met yesterday for a christmas gift exchange. It was fun; HOWEVER, they took a group photo for the group's web page. I look HORRIBLE. So fat and messy. I am so embarrassed that people will be looking at that photo over and over. Especially considering how good everyone else looks. They're all thin and young and have their hair/makeup in order. My hair looked like I'd slept in a hedge and forgotten to brush my hair in the morning. I also hadn't put on makeup and my face looks washed out and bloated. Hubby says I don't look that bad but I don't believe him.

Cookies

So here's how it works...

I had a pretty good food day yesterday. The only fly in the ointment (not literally, I'm not that desperate) was I had had a piece of leftover birthday cake after lunch. But, lunch was a baked potato with fat-free cheese and salt so it was okay. I had turkey and green beans for dinner. My total calories for the day was 1213, which was good because, again, except for a rather light walk, I hadn't exercised and opted to go shopping instead of Jazzercise because I'm lame that way. But, anyway, the point is I had still had a good day despite my lack of significant exercise.

Then, last night, at like 11:00 pm, my daughter decided to make oatmeal cookies. They smelled good, but not mouth-watering good. I wasn't hungry.

She asked me if I wanted any. I didn't. Two, please, I said instead.

I ate the first. It was okay, a bit too much baking soda or something. It didn't taste great. It didn't satisfy some great beast inside me. It was just okay and I was reading my book and eating it.

So, that's it, right? I wasn't hungry. The cookie didn't taste that good. I was happy with my calories for the day up to that point. I was a happy person, in fact, at that moment. Not ecstatically, let's celebrate happy, but happy content.

I ate the second cookie.

I don't know why, other than that it was there on my plate and it was a cookie. I mean, who leaves a cookie on their plate??

The second was no better than the first. And, while eating the second cookie, I kept thinking "why am I eating this?" But, I still ate the entire thing.

So, that's my story, I ate the two cookies I didn't want nor need and pushed my calories out of the deficit range. Ho hum.

Weigh-In

Previous Weight: 155.4
Current Weight: 154.4

Another pound - gone! I'm always happy for a pound since I'm more likely to maintain than actually lose. And a pound is a lot, actually. Maybe not on BL, but in terms of physicality, even a pound can make a difference in how your clothes fit and how you look.

Funny thing is, I had decided last weekend that I would stop worrying about calories and losing weight and focus on another goal I had for when I lost enough weight. I've always wanted to run a marathon. I don't particularly enjoy running, but I love the idea of the physical strength and perseverence it takes to finish a marathon.

So, I've found a 5k I want to run on April 11. Not a marathon or even a half marathon, but I have to start somewhere. I have a paved trail behind my house that, I estimate, is about an eighth of a mile around. So, last weekend hubby and I went out there to see how long it would take me to run a mile. I didn't think I'd be able to run a full mile, and I didn't, but I only walked one eighth of the mile and jogged the rest. That was pretty good compared to how I used to be. It also took me more than 10 minutes, but its a start.

See, I have this problem with lack of follow-through, especially on the hard stuff. So, if I can train for and work toward completing a 5k and then actually do it, that would be amazing. I would prove to myself what I actually can do.

So, here's how my mind works, I guess. I haven't trained a SINGLE DAY since I made that goal. However, I've been especially good with my calorie tracking and eating. Better than I have in months! I'm so contrary!

Weigh-In

Previous Weight: 156.8

Current Weight: 155.4

Loss: 1.4

Not bad, considering I still haven't been back to Jazzercise and have only walked twice this week. Plus my eating hasn't been all that great. I'm happy with that number. It motivates me to try a little harder, actually.

And Again

So, I did well for two days and then flung myself head first off the wagon once more. I'm regular, I'll give myself that. I'm defo a two on...several off...kinda gal. It's exasperating, to put it mildly.

Nevermind, tomorrow is a new day. And back on the jazzercise wagon. I MUST go tomorrow - I haven't gone in 2 weeks! Plus I need to burn off tonight's dinner. I should work out tonight, but I can't be bothered. I didn't even go for a walk today. Ah well... at least I got some house cleaning done. Or tidying at least.

Feeling Stronger

Last night I finished work, loaded the kids into the car and headed to the grocery store. We didn't need a lot because we were gone all last week, but we needed cereals, breads, fruits and veggies that were used up or spoiled while we were away. Even though I regained the couple pounds I lost at the beginning of last week and haven't really exercised in the past week, I felt smaller while walking around the store. I don't know why, but I felt better than I have in a long time. I usually feel extremely self-conscious at the store, but I didn't. I felt...at peace with myself and just content to be doing a normal, everyday activity.

Later that night, I sat watching Biggest Loser and working on a crochet project. I, of course, kept thinking about food. I had purchased some diet friendly snacks at the store and I really wanted to eat one or two even though I had eaten plenty for dinner. But, I resisted and actually made it to bed without eating again. And, really it wasn't that difficult.

So what was different? Usually the pull to eat food at night is so great that I can't resist most nights. Sometimes I don't even try to resist and other times I ignore the desire to eat for a couple hours before I finally give in to it. So, why was it relatively easy last night? Obviously, I felt better, more content; much more than I usually do. So, that could answer the question as to why it was easier to resist eating.

Which leads me to question why I felt better. What happened that I felt more at peace with myself and less unhappy with who I am?

The only answer that really makes any sense is my visit with my parents. I've always felt that I was a disappointment to my parents, for not having a bigger career, having too many kids, marrying too young, etc. I don't live the lifestyle they wanted me to live. But, during this visit, I didn't feel any of that, that I was a disappointment or not good enough. I didn't feel like I was annoying my parents just by my very existence. I felt they accepted me for who I've become and the decisions I've made and they were just happy to see me and visit with me and the lifestyle choices and career choices didn't really matter. They just wanted me to be me and to be happy. That's how I felt and it was great.

And I don't think the change in perception was a change in their behavior toward me. I think I just finally opened my eyes and realized that I've been projecting my ideas of who I thought my parents wanted me to be onto them. It was me all along, not them. I just needed to change my perception of myself.

Thanksgiving - Survived

Fortunately, I guess, I lost weight during the few days leading up to Thanksgiving day. That day and the following couple days I re-gained those couple pounds lost. I loseth and gaineth with equanimity.

Exercise was not so good because I was visiting family in California and off my usual schedule, not near my Jazzercise classes, and busy socializing and eating instead. I got a couple decent walks in and that's about it.

So, per usual, its back to the grindstone today. I've eaten a yogurt for breakfast and a low-fat burrito for lunch. I'm about to go grocery shopping to replenish my fridge. I think I'll go for easy stuff this week; I'm just not in the mood for cooking.

Weigh-In

I haven't "officially" weighed in since early September.

Today: 156.8
September: 156.4

Gain: 0.4 pounds

I know that isn't bad, that I could have gained a lot of weight since September since I haven't been that good at my diet. On the other hand, it's difficult not to think about how much I could have lost between September and now and how much better I would feel if I had kept losing weight rather than maintaining. Still... maintaining is MUCH better than gaining, so I'll try not to beat myself up about it.

Long Time...

I can't believe I haven't blogged in nearly two months. Its been pretty busy since we moved and, to be honest, I just haven't been doing well with my diet. I've been exercising, just. Some weeks are better than others. Although, I guess I should be proud that I'm still exercising at all. I usually go to Jazzercise once or twice per week and walk at least once or twice per week. I guess that's not horrible, but it could be a lot better.

I'm still enjoying Jazzercise for the most part, but its not alwasy easy to go. I skipped class tonight because I'm sore from a particularly difficult set of exercises we did last night. However, I will for sure go on Thursday because I'll be out of town all next week and unable to go.

I've joined a moms group and have been taking my 2 year old to various activities. I've made a walking buddy who lives quite nearby through the group and we walk most weekdays when the weather permits. Unfortunately, I'm finding that fall in Washington is very wet and we haven't been able to walk in nearly a week. I'm thinking that I should probably find a mall or something where we can still get a walk in without being outside.

My weight this morning was 157.2, so I've not made any progress in months. I've gotten down to 154, but I have been immediately regaining the few pounds I lose whenever I make progress. Not sure what the issue is. I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment so maybe we can get to the route of some of my binge eating. I swear, I can binge eat carrots and gain weight. I've really got to get a handle on my eating.

Hopefully, I'll get re-motivated when I visit my family next week. I'm really bummed that I can't go home and show off a new body.

Bouncing Ball

Still doing my up and down, one step forward and two steps back routine. I've been barely maintaining the exercising - although, I guess I could say that I have managed to do at least 3 days a week, even if 2 of the days is a 30 minute walk. I have been going to Jazzercise class every week, but only once last week instead of 3 times as I'm supposed to be doing. Last week was really hectic with work and hubby was working out of town, as well as having sick kids and fighting a cold myself, so I could cut myself some slack. In fact, the one day I did go to Jazzercise, I'd been working non-stop since I woke up in the morning and had a raging headache and a sore throat, but decided to go anyway because I knew if I stop now I'll never start up again. And I had heard that if you're feeling poorly, and it isn't lung-related or accompanied by a fever, exercising can actually make you feel better. And it did! My headache was gone and my energy was back. Unfortunately, I was feeling very body-achey on Thursday, the next class, and knew I couldn't manage the exercises so I walked on the treadmill instead. Tomorrow is the next class and I am for sure going.

Work is crazy busy - busier than it's been in more than a year. Which is good for the money but difficult to keep up with and I have a constant feeling of stress because of the sheer volume of my inbox. I'm just waiting for someone to complain. But, so what if they do? I worry about these things too much. It isn't like I'm not doing the work!

Eating is still not going that great. The only thing saving me from a pig-for-all is the lack of junk food in the house. If I do get the slightest big of junk food in, I consume it in short time. I did make some healthy meals last week, so that was good. But, I've been inhaling copious amounts of popcorn because that's the only snack food in the house. And I mean, eating 2 or 3 bowls a day throughout the day. With butter and salt. Twice I've eaten past the point of fullness. Clearly I have not defeated my food demons.

I am keeping up with my diet journal, at least. I'm on Day 101 with it. I write in it at least every couple days. Obviously it's not had a huge impact on me, but I haven't exactly been writing with purpose. In that, I haven't been trying to determine when I overeat or want to eat for emotional reasons and what just happened or is going on in my head at that point in time. I also haven't been working on my positive thinking. Or some personal goals I had set down for myself.

On the other hand, I'm continuing to be a busy, productive person. I'm continuing to maintain a status quo for myself with regard to how much time I spend being productive versus sitting on my arse, and with regard to exiting the house and thrusting myself amongst my fellow humans. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, as ever, and eventually I will see change. I have to believe that or what would be the point of doing anything?

Progress

Wow, it's been a while, I guess. If I'm not blogging, I'm usually struggling with my weight and to stay on track. I had finally reached 154 and then in the next weekend I ate and ate my way back to 159. I'm getting back down toward 154 again, but of course it's taking me 10 times as long to get back down than it took to go back up.

Anyway, I did reach one of my ultimate goals, though, and joined a Jazzercise class!! I actually joined last week and attended a class last Thursday. I went to the second class on Monday and today is my third class. Its very affordable (the cost works out to about $2 per session) and really is a good workout. Plus, I needed to get out and meet other people.

The first night was pretty good. I did way better keeping up with the moves than I had thought I would. I am SO happy I'd already been exercising for a while or I would not have been able to do a lot of the exercises. Its cool because after 30 minutes of cardio, there's 15 minutes of strength training with handweights and then some core work and stretching, so you get the full gambut.

Weigh-In & New Goal

Weight: 156.4
Loss: 2.2

That would be excellent if it weren't for that the last time I weighed in was several weeks ago. Actually, it is excellent anyway, cuz it's going in the right direction, right? And I'm nearing my all-time low in 7 years, which is 154.

So, I haven't had any clear goals, other than to keep losing weight and eat healthier and stay exercising. Which are good goals, but not specific, set goals. I haven't wanted to pressure myself to have to lose a certain amount by a certain time because I felt if I wasn't doing well then I would want to give up.

And maybe that is true of me before, but I don't think it is anymore. I've had a LOT of falls on this journey but I have continued to move forward. I've done a lot of back steps and side steps, but I haven't stopped and given up. The fact that I've been doing this for more than a year tells me how far I've come.

I actually have a vacation planned! I put in a request a few weeks ago for the week of Thanksgiving off from work. An entire week of no work!!! I'll be taking the kids to Southern California to visit my family. I may have to go into the office too, which I haven't been in in nearly a year. I want to be MUCH thinner before I go down there. I would love to be 110, but that isn't going to happen. So I used the tools on FitDay to establish a reasonable goal weight for myself, which is 140. That means I need to lose 1.5 pounds per week. I've been losing 0.5 pounds on average per week, so this will mean putting a lot more effort into my weight loss. I'm ready for that and even a little excited at the prospect of having a real goal to achieve. It will feel great to be able to achieve a specific goal like that.

So, today is the start of my new goal - 140 pounds by November 20. Which means I need to lose 16 pounds.

Money Woes

So the company both I and my husband work for has decided they are no longer going to pay the full portion of the medical costs for employees - we are now sharing the premium costs. This results in an extra $340 per month out of our paychecks. We had already been paying for the kids' premiums so we will be paying a total of more than $600 per month in insurance premiums for the family. That's a lot of money for us to be paying more per month on a one week notice. I've been pretty ticked about it, in fact. Its essentially a significant pay decrease. I know a lot of people pay this much and more for their medical costs; the difficulty is that we have this sudden, unexpected expense for which we are not financially prepared. We will have to reconsider all of our expenses but I had already stripped most of our unnecessary expenses, so I don't know where the money will come from, or what we won't be able to pay as a result. I think we can still manage, but it does mean little to no disposable income and having to try to work more hours. But, that's the problem, too, we haven't been working full time still since the work slowdown last year. A couple weeks ago I only managed to bill 19 hours for the entire week.

Suffice it to say, I'm feeling extremely stressy and upset about this situation. The night I learned of it, I tried to go for a jog to let off some steam, but I broke my toe a couple weeks ago and its not healed yet enough for me to walk long much less jog. Of course, that added to my angst at the time.

My eating has been extremely up and down. Sometimes I'm super restrained and other times I just don't seem to give a damn. Consequently, per usual, I'm not losing or gaining weight. I keep evening the scales in my calorie consumption.

I never went back to TOPS but maybe I will today. I don't know...

Emotional eating, anyone?

Its been a good week, but also a trying week. I've been having to go non-stop without a lot of time for myself. I'm still making time for exercise, so I'm doing good in that regard. Today I incorporated my workout into running to my toddler's new preschool to drop off the enrollment paperwork. Its only a mile each way, but still a decent workout, especially since I'd done so much yesterday. And it was hot today, so that 2 miles was enough for me. Actually it was more like 2.5 miles. But, anyway...

I was doing okay until a few things happened: 1. I found out hubby wasn't coming home this afternoon like he was supposed to - he was held up and won't be home until tomorrow at the earliest; 2. I learned my mother-in-law and her mother are coming to visit and that means having the house super clean, which, while I've maintained tidiness in the house this week, I haven't had a lot of time for a good cleaning; 3. Hubby and I got into a fight, one of our revolving disagreements and I had my feelings severely hurt; 4. I got into a confrontation with my supervisor at work (minor, but still upsetting); 5. I didn't sleep well last night and have been fighting a headache all day...

By this evening, I was feeling tired, out of sorts, angry, unsure of myself, worried, put upon, etc. I chose to eat ice cream. I ate a huge bowl of it, consciously scooping at least three servings' worth into a bowl. I knew exactly what I was doing while I was doing it - I was totally conscious of why I was eating the ice cream, and how I would be disappointed with myself later, etc. etc. but I just didn't give a damn. I pretty much thumbed my nose at my better side.

It wasn't even that good, having been in the freezer too long.

But I ate it all and then I calmed down and that was the end of it. And, actually, I don't even feel that bad about it.

Good Day

I had a good day with the working out. I've discovered workouts on Fit TV and did a dvr'd dance routine and then some strength training. I followed that up with a walk to the library and back, which is about a mile away. It was really warm out today so it felt good and it's good to get the kids out.

This week hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared it would be. The kids and I have found our own rhythm and, surprisingly, I've been able to keep working full time. I just plop my laptop down on the kitchen table and (with the wonders of a one-room living space) can monitor the kids as they play in the living room, watch PBS shows or out the back door, which is literally two feet from the dining room table. I can see the entire back yard from my perch, thanks to a small yard and there being five windows on that wall alone. Definite advantages to living in small spaces. They also go up to their room occasionally, but I've roped off all rooms but their bedroom and that is child proof so I only have to go up and check on them occasionally while they're up there. Fortunately, though, they prefer to be downstairs.

We've gone on a couple walks this week. I took them to the library the other night, to see how long it would take us, and then got lost on the way back. It was getting dark and I was nearly to the point of calling hubby and having him help me back with the aid of a map, but then I found a recognizable street and we made it home. What I thought would be a 30 minute walk ended up being nearly 1 hour and 30 minutes, but that's not a bad thing. And it didn't feel overly long. I was only nervous about it being dark and finding my way home. I've also taken the kids to the park and let them run around in the sun.

After work, I've been warming up the pre-cooked dinners (I'm so glad I did that!!) and then bathing them and putting them in bed. Then it's clean-up time for me, followed by maybe 30 minutes to read in bed. Not a lot of me time, for sure. Hubby owes me when he gets back. :)

However, it's actually been kinda nice just having the two little ones around, like I can connect with them a bit more than I usually give myself time for. We've enjoyed some quiet times reading, playing blocks or sitting and watching Sesame Street together. It's been nice.

Abandoned

Here's some irony - hubby is working in California at the moment while I'm left in Washington. Annoying, to say the least. He's been gone since Wednesday and not due back until Thursday late. Ah well.

Also, my eldest daughter is visting her grandmother. So, it's just me and the 2 little ones this week. I thought it was going to be near impossible to work with no help, but it worked out okay today.

We ordered satellite tv at this house and I have discovered Fit TV. I like some of the cooking shows and I'm able to DVR the workout shows. Fast forwarding through the commercials while keeping the heart rate up is annoying, but otherwise its cool to have a different workout every day. :)

Yesterday I was super productive and cooked several meals for the week and put them in single serving containers. I know this sounds super anal, but I wanted to be able to just heat up healthy food because I knew I'd be too busy to want to cook during the week. I had fast food a couple times over the weekend because I was driving my daughter to her grandmother's and want to make up for that. Plus, my weight loss has stalled again because, again, I'm not putting 100% into my weight loss.

Still working out most days, though. And still have plenty of energy. I only have had some headaches recently that have slowed me down a bit. However, even with that, I still have ten times the energy I had before I started working out.

I think I'll take a walk with the kids after dinner. I'm kinda sore from a step workout I did yesterday.

TOPS

Ever heard of TOPS = Take Off Pounds Sensibly? Apparently there are chapters everywhere. I don't know a lot about them, other than that my mother and grandmother were members of their local chapters and it could be renamed "Take Off Pounds (for) Seniors." I looked into joining a chapter in Redding for two reasons:

1. It worked for my mom for years.
2. Its way cheaper than Weight Watchers but really no different, from what I could tell. The cost is $27 a YEAR, not biweekly.

Anyway, I looked into joining in Redding, but a photo of the members revealed they were all white haired seniors and, well, I didn't think I'd fit in well with the group, being that I'm in my early 30's. So, I went to Weight Watchers a few times, hated the cost, disliked the leader, wasn't getting anything out of it and stopped going.

When we got to Washington, I looked up a local chapter of TOPS but there was no photo of the members. I figured it would likely be all seniors again, but you never know... my mom wasn't a senior when she attended and, from memory, most of the other members weren't seniors either. So, maybe that was particular to Redding?

I can honestly say they weren't all white-haired, but they were all at least 20 years my senior and most of them 30 or 40 years my senior. Which, if I wanted to feel young, isn't a bad thing. But, it was a bit cheesy. First of all, they meet in the rec room of an apartment complex. And the complex isn't even that nice - it's in the okay range. When I got to the meeting, one of the residents of the apartment complex was watching a movie, very loudly. We had to wait until he finished.

To be fair, the team leader wasn't present because her sister is ill. The rest of the meeting was rather haphazard, but I can understand that since the leader wasn't present. The members who were there said that that night was light on member attendance, which I can chalk up to being August and super hot at the moment.

We didn't really discuss weight loss.

I'm undecided.

My Face

So, I got my Washington driver's license in the mail today and I was astonished and disgusted with my photo. I look so much fatter than I feel! My eyes are tiny dots in my overly round face, the underside of my chin hangs down so far it gives the illusion of a separate feature. I look drugged and tired and unhappy. I didn't realize I looked like that!! I know that we are our worst critic and, of course, I'm focusing on all the negative, but even when I try to look at myself objectively, all I see is a very fat, unhappy person. Do I really go around looking that unhappy or can I see something others don't?

I wish I could say that this is incentive to lose weight, but right now I just feel out of sorts with myself. I am sticking to my good diet and I finished a 45 minute cardio workout today, so it's not having the opposite effect. I'm definitely going to avoid looking at that photo until I lose more weight!

Taking time out

Today my husband and I both had the day off, weren't feeling pressured to get anything done, be it to the house or for work, and decided to take the kids to the zoo. Afterward, we found a fish & chip restaurant in Portland (we're just over the border in Washington) and had a nice dinner, even if the 2 year old decided to war-paint himself with the tartar sauce. I ate a turkey sandwich and salad (and some of my daughter's fries).

We also drove by a produce stand on the way to the restaurant and I made the hubs turn around and go back. I bought a bunch of locally grown fruit and veg for less than $15. I had borrowed a whole foods cookbook from the library and was itchy to get started on some recipes. I'm pretty excited about cooking healthier, cleaner foods, actually. And, although its too early to really tell, I already feel like I have more energy throughout the day.

I've been cooking us farm fresh veggie loaded dinners for the past week and it seems like I can already feel a difference. Also, contrary to my concern, I have halved my food bill by cooking things from whole foods and not buying processed or frozen foods. Its weird because I thought some of the frozen foods I used to buy were way cheaper than cooking from fresh, but that was because I was preparing food, not actually cooking food. When you prepare your dinners with boxed pastas, too-large cuts of meat and frozen veggies, you actually spend more money than when you cook a meal with 60% farm fresh veggies from a produce stand, a small cut of meat and cooked brown rice. I'm also learning it doesn't take that much longer to cook from whole foods.

Yesterday we had bean and cheese burritos with wheat tortillas (purchased) and homemade beans. I actually made the beans the day before when I was cooking that day's meal. I was able to rinse and put the beans in a pot on the stove between preparing the evening meal for that day. Then, that night, I put the beans in the refrigerator until the following evening. All I had to do then was mush them and heat them up in a little olive oil and voila, dinner was ready.

Also, here's a benefit of exercise. We spent 4 hours at the zoo walking around constantly. I carried a backpack and sometimes the 2 year old, as well as pushed a stroller and had to run after the 2 year old on several occasions. By the time we were done, I felt a bit tired, but not exhausted and no part of my body was in pain. My feet didn't hurt, my legs weren't sore. I remember a time when if I walked for longer than 30 minutes, my legs and hips would ache like crazy. Instead, tonight when we got home I still had the energy to clean the kitchen, get the kids to bed, do some laundry and get my produce washed and put away. Meanwhile, hubby was prone on the couch moaning that his legs and feet hurt. I had to bite my tongue to point out that this is why exercise is so beneficial. No one wants to be nagged to exercise! But, I am such an exercise convert. And, actually, I think the energy drive behind cooking healthy meals from whole foods is from exercising as well. Being active and getting things done just isn't as painful and uncomfortable as it once was, so standing for 45 minutes preparing food doesn't seem as daunting as it would have a year ago. Its all down to exercise, that's what I believe.

Weigh-In

Weight: 158.6
Loss: 1.2

Too bad that loss isn't over a one week period but over several weeks. But, happy with a loss! I've been up and down, per usual. I have been spending more time incorporating fresh produce into our meals, which should help. My exercising is hit or miss at the moment. I plan on getting on the treadmill later today, after my dr appointment.

Work is super slow at the moment. I wish I could take advantage but I just worry about money.

Interesting Theory

I'm reading a book, I think it's called "A Life Unburdened," about a man who lost 150 pounds. His theory is that because of sub-nutritious diets and food we eat, our bodies are constantly hungry for nutritients, which leads to overeating. Its an interesting theory. And if you consider that food affects our moods and sense of wellbeing, our diets are causing us to feel low and lack energy, which also leads to overeating and under-exercising. I can see the sense in his argument. I doubt eating well will override major emotional scars and clinical depression, etc. but I do think eating a better diet can alter one's moods.

So, I'm with the guy, I think better eating is beneficial and worth the effort of more cooking and prep time, having to go to more than one store for food, etc. The problem I come up against is HOW do I eat like that. I bought some produce at a farmer's market, organic (supposedly) and fresh local. I made a beef vegetable soup, which was really yummy. Tonight I made chicken salad for dinner. But, now what? And what about my salad, it was a bagged salad with fresh tomatoes and cucumber, but is the lettuce good enough? Probably not. And the chicken... do I have to buy organic, free-range chicken? Where do I buy it? And milk, eggs, yogurt... it gets to be overwhelming, both with regard to the costs and finding the best places to buy these things.

Tonight we had cake for my son's birthday. What about that? Would I have to make cake from scratch? From organic whole wheat flour and raw sugar?? That sounds extreme and difficult. I can make a boxed cake but that's probably no better than an already baked cake.

So, I'm sorta stuck between feeling that it makes sense that we should eat better foods, less processed, bleached and chemically derived food and more whole, natural food and not knowing how one goes about eating that way and can I afford it???

I guess it's rather like taking on any major life change, just change a little at a time. So, I can keep going to the farmer's market for fresh locally grown produce (which is no more expensive than grocery produce) and even fresh bread, which I found was also no more expensive, and avoid anything that is obviously over-processed. But just cuz it's organic doesn't mean its nutritionally superior, right? So, would there really be a difference between store-bought milk and organic milk? I think I'll just stick with the produce and bread for the moment. Maybe eat more beans and less meat, but I firmly believe we still need some meat, especially the kids.

If y'all know how to go about adding more whole foods into your diet, please share.

Settling In

We're finally moved into our new house and mostly everything is put in it's place. I still have a few boxes in the garage, but not many. I was very determined to get the house in order as quickly as possible and had most of the boxes unpacked and our furniture organized by the third night. I was surprisingly not sore after all the hefting and carrying, going up and down the stairs a zillion times and sorting and putting stuff away. Monday and yesterday night I didn't have too much to do, just minor unpacking of the last boxes and doing laundry and cleaning. Tonight I'll get the last of the boxes but I think there are only about 3 left so that won't take long.

I haven't exercised in over a week because of all the packing and loading/unpacking and unloading, which was way more exercise than I would get from a DVD or the treadmill! I will get back on that wagon today, though. I'm more determined than ever to maintain being in better shape because I know that's what gave me the energy and drive to get this move done as quickly as possible and led to me not feeling sore.

I need to get back into the game with my eating, as well. Portion-wise I was doing really well until yesterday, but I was eating fast-food and whatever was at hand, which was usually a less than good food choice. Yesterday, for some reason, I overate to the point of feeling over full. Maybe just a comedown from the stress of moving? Not sure, but I felt annoyed with myself about it. I need to get back to the calorie counting again and making smart food choices. That's the plan for today, anyway.

Craziness

Its been crazy around here, what with the move tomorrow. I've been trying to keep the house clean for showings and pack and work on top of it. During the past week and a half, I've been covering for another girl at work, which doubled my workload. I've literally been getting up, working, then moving on to packing and cleaning, until 10 or 11 each night. I'm already exhausted and we have the 3 biggest days ahead of us now, packing today and loading the truck tomorrow and driving to our new home the next day. At least it's finally about to be over.

On top of all that, I've been extremely stressed for some reason. I mean, I know I'm stressed about the move itself, stressed about all the minutae involved in moving, plus covering for a job I'm not comfortable with for lack of practice. Then the weird behavior from my daughter's friends mother and her birthday was 2 days later so I had to come up with a really good way to celebrate. I guess my 2 year old has been feeling my tension because he has been especially difficult, very whiney and demanding.

I was trying to track my weight but it was all over the place, as was my eating. Because of the packing and cleaning, I haven't exercised in over a week. But, I had to put that on the back burner. Once I get through this move and re-settled in Washington, I'll get back to serious exercising. Not that I'm giving up on my weight loss, but some things have to be set aside during this time. I'm still watching what I eat for the most part and conscious of it not being beneficial when I make less than good food choices. I'm also listening to several weight loss podcasts, which help too. I'm just head down, full steam ahead with this move and everything else is secondary.

I don't hold much hope of a good weight loss during this time (scale is packed) because I'm sure I'm made up of 50% water, 50% cortisol at the moment. I'm sometimes starving hungry and other times totally put off by food. I'm not sleeping well and I have a constant feeling of anxiety. I just hope I don't gain weight cuz that would be totally uncool.

Weigh-In

Weight: 159.8
Loss: 0.6

Progress! Finally down in the 150's. Small losses add up, right? I also made GREAT progress with regard to packing and cleaning over the weekend. I'm talking hours. In fact, on Sunday I started cleaning/packing Sunday at about 11am and didn't stop until nearly midnight. I was BEAT but it felt great. Don't ask me where all my energy is coming from but I've been like an energy bunny on crack. Must be the exercising over the last few months.

I believe I haven't had more of a weight loss for two reasons:

1. I've been eating on the run, which doesn't mean good food choices.
2. I haven't been drinking enough water by a long shot.

But, I'm doing better with it today. Just one day at a time. I've even been tracking my calories again, yay me.

So Bizarre (Off Topic)

Okay, so this is off topic, but it is going to bug me because I can't get my head around it and I need to not obsess over it and I'm hoping writing about it here will close the matter and I can move on to more important things to worry about.

So, I've written about parents of my teen daughter's friends who asked me outright for money a while back and I decided not to give them any. It was uncomfortable and I thought it might impact my daughter being friends with this girl, but then they never asked again and it seemed to be okay.

However, that is no longer the case. Fortunately, since we're moving, it doesn't matter.

So here's what happened. I had my daughter invite her friends of the same parents (twins) to our house to do some cleaning, for which I would pay them each $5 per hour, then eat pizza and watch a movie and hang out with my daughter in the evening. So, I picked them up and we spent two hours cleaning. Then we ate pizza and then they hung out and watched a movie until 11pm and then my husband took them home.

Then I get a phone call from the mother asking why her kids didn't have the money I said I would pay them for cleaning my house. Mind you, it's 11:30 pm and I'm somewhat taken aback, but while I'm thinking it's strange that she's calling about it, I'm not really taking it too seriously figuring I would drive the money over to them tomorrow. I tried to explain that I just hadn't thought about it before they left and in fact hadn't even seen them before they left. But, she cut me off and said she was coming over to get the money.

So, a few minutes later she's at the door and very rude about demanding that I give her kids the money. I try to say that I would have taken the money to them tomorrow and it certainly wasn't intentionally withheld from them but she talks over me and says how I shouldn't have kids clean my house and not pay them. Then she says that her kids are no longer welcome at my house. I'm like, no worries there! As they were leaving I only managed to throw out what a poor example she was showing her kids and a sorry to her kids for them being put on the spot like that and then she was gone.

It's so bizarre to me. She was SO angry, like I was robbing her or something. I can't imagine what she was thinking. And I guess I have to just leave it at that. At least it doesn't matter since we'll be gone in just over a week. Hopefully her husband isn't as crazy and decides to retaliate for us stealing from her kids...

Insomnia

I know you're supposed to sleep well and not stress when you're trying to lose weight, but moving house to another state is not helping with these. And I'm not eating that great because: a. I don't want to go shopping so I'm trying to use what I have left in the cupboard; b. I'm just too busy to necessarily cook something nutritious. I am doing okay, and not binge eating, so I can't castigate myself too much.

I didn't have a chance to exercise today (unless you count dumpster diving for boxes) but I kicked butt yesterday and the day before, so I figure I'm okay. Plus packing and cleaning burns calories, right? I like to leave a house pristine so I've been cleaning down walls, cabinets, doors, etc. I've scheduled some of my teen's friends to come around tomorrow and earn some money and pizza helping with cleaning, sorting, packing and organizing. Do I seem insane? Because I feel insane at the moment. Like an obsessive monkey with a pile of bananas.

I've been wanting to get to the 150's and I was FRUSTRATINGLY at 160.0 this morning. I tried learning on the counter just enough to see 159.8, but it went down to 117 so I guess I'm stronger than I thought. :)

Weigh-In

I nearly forgot to post my weigh-in, my first in a couple weeks.

Weight: 160.4
Loss: 0.4

I'm amazed I lost anything, to be honest. I had gained at least a pound on the trip. Just goes to show how a little effort makes a big dif. I'm bad to tracking calories on FitDay and exercising every day. In fact, I'm sitting in my workout clothes as I write, sweaty and probably smelling like a field of flowers... I don't know why I like sitting at the computer after I workout - it's an illness.

Anyhow, we're officially moving on 7/31, so I'm happy to get my workouts in. I did 30 mins treadmill on an incline and 30 mins on a fast, flat walk. I definitely need the happy hormones from exercising at the moment because I'm STESSY with this impending move.

BTW, I learned that Vitamin C helps battle weight gain when stressed. You probably already knew that, but I just learned that the other day. Suffice it to say, I'm swilling OJ and taking supplements (but not like so crazy I poison myself).

Straddling the Wagon

Not literally, because that would be painful.

Basically, I've been sorta exercising and sorta watching what I eat, but not really. I'm not "giving up" but neither am I putting much effort into my weight loss. I've had some minor weight gain over the past couple weeks - not enough to throw myself in front of a moving train, but enough to be annoying because that means I overate by 3500 to 7000 calories in a couple weeks, which is A LOT! Not to mention the fact that each pound loss is such a hurtle it always amazes me that I can so casually allow it back on.

And a pound is a lot. I know when we're talking 50, 70, 90, 100 pounds or more to lose, 1 pound seems miniscule and pathetic. But in terms of how much a pound actually represents in fat mass, it's quite a bit. A pound of fat is equivalent to four sticks of butter or 2 cups. Imagine having to grab a few sticks of butter and adding it to your body mass... not cool. So, while of course we don't want to become neurotic and obsessive (like, I'm totally not), its still good to remember that a pound is actually quite a bit of mass and we certainly want to celebrate every stick of butter we burn off and not shrug off every pound gained as if it were no more mass than a pea.

So, I'm climbing back onto my wagon and getting back to what worked before. That means tracking calories and exercising at around lunch time and either cleaning or walking in the evening. This has proven to be effective in the past. This formula got me to where I am today, which is having knocked off the equivalent of 100 sticks of butter. Thinking of it in those terms...why wouldn't I do it?

Busy Bee

It's been super busy since the wheels have really started moving on our relocation from California to Washington. We found a house, such as it is. After days and days of pounding the pavement and looking at house after house after house, we settled. No other word for it. I was on the second to last day before coming home and I pretty much decided before I saw the house that it was the last one and I would go with it. The fairies were playing along with that plan: The only houses we liked were horrible for young kids with don't-scratch-the-imported-wood-floors to miniscule, unfenced back yards and one that even backed onto a small cliff (beautiful views, of course) but this house that I had pre-decided on backs onto a private playground, fully fenced. Second, it was an extremely sunny day (first in a week) and so the house seemed light and airy. Third, there was no pressure to move in immediately as we'd had looking at other houses. And fourth, the landowner lives in our town - which is the fairies really working hard, in my opinion. Suffice it to say, it was a yes, yes, yes. However... the house is TINY compared to our current abode and not nearly as nice. Although, I do currently live in a half-million dollar house so that's unfair. The new house is 3 years old, grown out of a good neighborhood and has 4 bedrooms. But, it doesn't have an office, dining room (just a dining area off the kitchen) family room or bonus room. It is an open floor plan (read: they saved money by not bothering with walls in the kitchen, dining and living rooms) which I usually dislike but probably added to the light and airy feel of the house. The bedrooms are miniscule, but there are three bathrooms (go figure!).

Anyway, so we're moving in just under a month and the pressure is on. If I'm not obsessing over how I'm going to fit all my furniture without having to surf the surface of my couches and table to get to the kitchen, I'm obsessing over all the things we need to do to get from point a to point b. And there's a lot. Unfortunately, it hasn't been long enough since my last move. Moving house is like being pregnant, you have to space it with enough time from the last to give yourself a chance forget how bloody awful it is. The good news is I should be physically busy with all the packing and whatnot, although that may be undermined by the amount of cortisol running through my bloodstream. (Cortisol knowledge is compliments of Jillian Michaels podcast.)

As far as being on plan, I've been doing okay. Good days and bad, one following the other. I only managed about 3 days of concerted effort exercising in the pool and hotel gym, but better than nothing. And food choices were hit and miss. I managed to gain 1 or 2 pounds (not entirely sure because I had eaten a ton of overly salted pumpkin seeds on the drive home). Today I didn't exercise, which I had really meant to. Tomorrow for sure! I also had planned on a light dinner, but we ended up eating out because we were so busy and running errands all afternoon/evening. I had half a burrito with beef. I had thought I had ordered a bean and cheese burrito but apparently not. At least I only ate half, right? But I also finished eating the bag of boston baked beans I'd purchased the other day for the driving about. Ah well, at least its gone now.

I did manage to get to the grocery store and purchase enough fruit and veg to keep the entire fam constipated for a week.

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

Last night, I wasn't hungry. We'd had a rather trying day getting from grandma's house, across the ferry and over to Seattle in post-holiday traffic with a whiny 6 year old, moody 13 year old and a screaming 2 year old who knows how to exit his car seat despite numerous strappings and belts. (That's the strappings and belts on his car seat, not of the corporal punishment variety, although it was tempting after the 10th stop over along the freeway to put him back in his so called safety seat.) It took us over 4 hours to do a 2 hour trip, most of which was spent at a standstill, which infuriates my 2 year old to the point where I expect him to start cursing and shaking his fist at the drivers in front of us who have stopped.

After we finally got to our temporary destination, ate dinner and had a last visit with fam, we were back on the road to our next destination, the dreaded hotel. Upon arrival, my dear h had an assignment of his for me to complete because (in his words) I'm faster, better, stronger and he was nearly as frustrated as the 2 year old. Thus, he foisted his project onto me with pleadings, charm, promises, gratitude and the threat of a full-on temper if he had to spend another minute on it. I understood his frustration so I took it on, but I wasn't happy about it and he owes me BIG TIME.

Anyway, so he offered to go get me drink and food while I toiled over his project from about 7:30 pm to 1:30 am. In his guilt, he bought me lots of goodies, including (but not limited to) McD's fries, cokes, sweet teas, a candy bar, Mike N Ike's and kettle chips. I ate it ALL. I wasn't hungry, but I ate and ate and ate my way through the 6 hours of the project. I drank the teas, Pepsi and wine as he brought them to me.

I wasn't hungry and I felt kinda sick. But, I continued to eat.

Worse, I KNEW I was eating for emotional reasons, not because I needed to fuel my system. I was having my own hissy fit about the project, in the form of stuffing my face with h as the co-contributor.

At about 9pm, I had the thought that I should dump the last of the food, take a break from the project and work out for an hour or so in the hotel gym.

I discarded the idea. I didn't want to... I was feeling too sorry for myself. I knew I would feel better if I exercised and I chose to feel worse by eating instead. I remember making that conscious decision. Like when you decide to drive your car even though you've had a couple drinks and you know, you know and accept, that it could have really bad consequences. That sort of bad, but knowing, decision. Almost like you want to punish yourselt and half hope something bad WILL happen to you because of your decision. That's the choice I made last night.

Today, I'm trying to let go of yesterday. It happened, I made a bad choice and I will pay for it on the scale. But, it doesn't mean anything more than that, except to hope that I make the gym choice next time instead. If I don't, that's okay because there will always be a next time, a next opportunity to make the better choice. And life isn't all good or all bad choices. We have to accept that we will make bad choices, even when knowing we're making bad choices, and that we can't be perfect, will never be perfect, and shouldn't expect perfectionism from ourselves.

Weigh-In

Weight: 160.8
Loss: 0.6

All I can say about my weight loss is: RELIEF! There was a day since my last weigh-in when I was back up to 163 thanks to really bad eating, half-hearted workouts and late-night snacking. The last two days have been better. Actually, that's not even entirely true. But, yesterday I wanted McDonald's and I made a deal with myself that if I did a good workout AND didn't eat AT ALL after the McDonald's, then I could have a Big Mac Meal. I ended up giving half the fries and the soda away, but ate the entire burger (minus one hamburger patty because I only like one) and did not eat again the rest of the night, no matter how hungry I got. Actually, by the time I went to bed I wasn't all that hungry even though it'd been six hours since the burger, but I woke up with the baby at 2:30 and couldn't go back to sleep cuz I was starving. I knew I was suffering from a sugar low after the spike after eating so much refined carbs, but I still refused to eat. Is that crazy? Kinda, I'll admit. It wasn't just because of my weigh-in that I wanted to stick to my self-dictate to not eat again that night if I ate McDonald's, but I really wanted to be able to eat my taboo meal without a lot of guilt and angst. And because I did so well the rest of the night, I didn't have any guilt or angst about it, so it worked. Writing it all out now I can't help but think that I've crossed the sanity line, but whatev.

I'm a late-bloomer with technology and have only just "discovered" podcasts. This stuff is great to work out with! Or to avoid working! I'm listening to Jillian Michael's podcast today, which is both interesting and annoying. I hate her voice, btw. I don't hate her, but I don't like her voice - way too nasally and annoying. And she goes on and on and on about the same thing. But, I have already "learned" some interesting stuff so I'm sticking with it for the time being. I have other podcasts to explore that I downloaded, which I'll listen to on the neverending drive back to WA tomorrow. Lots of diet and fitness blogs out there. I feel like a grownup!

I will walk 500 miles...

Well, 5 miles anyway. It took me nearly 2 hours, which seems pathetic but at least I had the treadmill on an incline nearly the entire time. I wanted to do a new Pilates/Cardio DVD but I forgot an important little something during my swim yesterday: sunblock. My chest, shoulders and back are in agony today. I am now white and fat and red all over.

Still not doing great on the eating thing. I had tortilla chips and hummus for lunch. One might ask why I have tortilla chips in the house and this would be a very valid question. I could say I bought it for H but he doesn't need tortilla chips, does he? And no one else brings food into this house. So, I am entirely culpable for having access to my poor lunch choice.

To make up for it, I'm having salad for dinner.

I'm also feeling fat from last night's dinner. I had a salad with light ranch to start (good choice), spaghetti with whole-grain pasta (good choice), tortilla chips (again - bad choice), an ice cream sandwich (bad choice) and yogurt covered raisins (bad choice considering how much I'd already eaten). If that sounds like a lot of food to consume in one sitting - it is! I can't even say I had really small portions, except for the tortilla chips (I only ate about 6). I was very full and to make things worse it was late and thus I went to bed too soon after eating. I can't even say it was because I was starving hungry that I ate so much cuz I'd had a really late lunch and was just normal hungry.

It's having H home. I don't know why, but I eat more when he's around. I've been writing about this in my diet journal but, while I can think of a lot of reasons for this, no real answer comes to mind.

Divorce is expensive, but possibly less so than the amount of money I spend on exercise DVD's.

Brave Little Swimmer

Well...I did it. I got my pasty, jiggly, dimply fat ass outside, in public, in a hide-nearly-nothing piece of spandex bathing suit. Fortunately, I have a nice suit that drags the eye to cleavage (the one up top) and nips in the waist (as much as it can) and has a little built-in skirt to hide the fat that rubs together at the tops of my thighs. But, really, that's a very, very minor improvement on a basic black one-piece. My size 26 inch thighs were on display despite the 2 inch length skirt on my bathing suit.

But, I was SO glad I did it! We have a pretty cool public pool close to our house. Actually, its two pools, one olympic sized deep pool and one that is half 4 feet deep and half 2 feet deep with a playground in the middle of the 2 feet half of the kiddie pool. Its huge. There are mini water slides, water sprays, things to climb and tunnels to crawl through. My 6 year old had a blast. Then we went to the deep pool and my 6 year old jumped off the side a gazillion times while my 13 year old dived off the high-dive. As it was well over 100 degrees today, I was very happy to be IN the pool, rather than some moms who sat in shorts and t-shirts sweltering in the sun, watching their kids have fun. I also managed to get a few laps in and feel contentedly tired and sun-burned.

I'm especially proud of myself for getting over my self-consciousness and having fun. I still felt a bit uncomfortable whenever I had to walk around but, you know, no one really looked twice at me and why should they? They were there to have fun or stay cool or watch their kids have fun, not to poke fun at the fat girl. They couldn't care less that I was presenting my wide-load in all its pale glory. And if anyone did stare in shock/horror/judgment, I was too busy having fun to notice.

I'm already looking forward to going again. I LOVE the feel of being completely immersed in water. And next time I'll feel even less uncomfortable.

Now I need to get into my gym pool once in a blue moon so I can actually get a good, solid workout in.

Swimming

I really want to go swimming. Before we moved to Nor Cal, we had a pool in our backyard and I loved swimming most summer nights. I haven't swimmed since we moved up here more than a year ago. We've been to numerous hotels with swimming pools, but no way would I expose my fat body to the masses. I also have a pool at the gym but I've been too chicken to use it.

But, with it being 110 degrees here this week, I'm REALLY wanting to go swimming. The house is cool enough (although our electricity bill is going to be astronomical) but every time I go outside I immediately think swimming. I've even been tempted to sneak next door to the house for sale with the pool in the back. However, as much as I'm tempted, I do try to avoid doing anything that could land me in a jail.

Anyway, so I've decided to take the girls swimming at the local public pool tomorrow. I'm nervous, to put it simply. I know I will feel fat, clumsy, conspicuous, intimidated and just plain uncomfortable. But, I'm hoping I'll just get over it after the intial discomfort. I recently read about another heavy girl getting over her self-angst to go swimming in public and really enjoyed it. Its great exercise, after all. Its funny how being fat often precludes one from doing things that would help to make one less fat. I've really found with my near-daily exercising that activity breeds activity. When I exercise early on in the day, I'm more likely to be active in the evenings after work, tidying or going for a walk or grocery shopping, etc. When I don't exercise at all, I'm much less likely to feel like tidying before I go to bed. Not only is my body more accustomed to moving, but having built up some muscles, doing simple chores isn't physically uncomfortable as it used to be. For instance, I can bend down and straighten up without feeling a pull in my back and I can stand while doing the dishes without my back, arms and feet aching from standing still for so long. Anyway, so I think swimming will not only allow me to get more exercise but getting accustomed to going out in a bathing suit will help me get over some of my hang-ups about how I look, which I think is an important aspect of this weight loss journey.

Cross your fingers for me that all goes well and I don't chicken out!

Measurements...blech

Okay, my BMI is high. I know this. I know I'm "obese." I know that when people look at me they see "fat."

But, I don't FEEL that fat. I feel overweight, but not OBESE. I don't feel as big as my pants look.

However, in taking my measurements, finally, I am aghast at the numbers. My waist, at the fattiest part, is more than 42 inches. OMG! My husband has a 42 inch waist! How is that even possible? And my thigh is 26 inches - I used to wear 24 inch waist pants! My thigh is bigger in circumference than my waist should be. That's nutso.

This is like looking in the mirror without the blinders on. I really, really am obese.

Fortunately, I am getting a motivational response to work harder and stop arsing around with my diet and exercising.

Oh well...Taco Bell

You know those salt bricks they give horses to lick? Well, I think I ate the equivelent of one in my Taco Bell tacos last night (yes, plural, I had THREE - 2 soft and 1 hard!). I'm a jelly belly of water-retention today (at least, that's my story).

I did a good move, though. I ordered my tacos and a Pepsi, because that sounded good at the time. Then, I immediately thought "why did I do that? I don't need a Pepsi on top of it." So I had a couple sips, thinking about how huge the cup was and what a waste of money.

When I got home, I'd probably consumed about 1/20 of the cup (about 4 sips worth) and dumped the rest down the sink. Yep, I wasted money, Pepsi and a lot of unnecessary calories. Three cheers!

I didn't exercise yesterday because...well, no reason really. I did have a headache but that doesn't usually stop me. That's okay, though, because I don't have to be ALL OR NOTHING. I'm going to be zen about this diet/exercise business if it kills me. However, I suppose that doesn't SOUND very zen, does it?

Weigh-In

Weight: 161.4
Loss: 1.6

Yay me! Although I think it would have been a bigger loss if I wasn't suddenly on the hormone train and Sponge-Bobbing water, but that's okay. Any movement I see on the downward trend is happy times.

Still feeling obsessive about the move. In fact, we've upped our looking-at-houses venture from some time in August to er...next week? Crazy huh. I'm really not looking forward to slumming it in hotels again, but needs must.

Hubby was supposed to be coming home today, but was given another "rush" case to work before he can consider leaving Washington and then has another "super rush" case in Oregon on the way back and so I probably will see neither hind nor hair of him until Friday late. But, since this was expected, anticipated, and pre-resigned to I didn't get all bent out of shape when he told me last night. And, anyway, I have the move to obsess over.

I made it to my office this morning, so you already know I survived the new Jillian workout mostly unscathed. I have to admit that I didn't complete the workout. I was 38 mins 25 secs into the workout (which includes a lot of jumping, knee lifts and kick-box style exercises done in circuits) when my cell phone rang and I HAD to answer it and after chatting to the big H for a while I kinda lost my drive to do any more. On shaky legs, I headed for a shower instead. I was absolutely dripping (sweat!) so I felt I'd got enough of an ass kicking for the day.

Today I'm just gonna walk on the treadmill.

Scale Mania

I really need to GET OFF THE SCALE. I swear, I jump on it every time I go for a pee (which is quite often when I'm drinking the appropriate amount of water). Its a sickness.

I just finished reading Jen Lancaster's "Such a Pretty Fat." I HIGHLY recommend this book, whether to someone also waging the fat war or just anyone wanting a laugh. The book is a memoir on her weight loss efforts and is just plain funny. In fact, I've now ordered her first two books.

I purchased ANOTHER exercise DVD (don't tell hubby) - Jillian Michael's Banish Fat Boost Metabolism that promises up to 5 pounds weight loss per week. All I can say is: YIKES. Not that I've tried it yet, but anything that promises those kinds of results and with Jillian Michaels, you know its going to be an ass kicker. I'll be doing it later today and, if I can still walk to the computer, will let you know how it is tomorrow.

Since we are officially moving to Washington at the end of the summer, I'm obsessed with it. It is going to be a LOT of work, which I'm not looking forward to. We'll still be living here another couple months but I'm already thinking of what I can pack and what I can get rid of. I've ordered a charity pick-up of clothes we no longer fit/want and a couple pieces of furniture I don't want to take with me. I've been suffering some mild insomnia with all the worries and plans going through my head. Its too early to be able to DO much but it feels really soon too.

The good thing is since the move is my current obsession, I'm not obsessing AS MUCH on food. Which means my portions and rate of food stuffing has been more reasonable the last few days. But, I'm hardly relaxed and easy about it all still. In fact, I feel rather manic today.

Small Triumphs

Last night I triumphed over my nighttime eating. I know this will still be a daily (or evening) struggle but I fought the real hunger pains and went to bed without eating after dinner.

I have recently read that the whole eating before bedtime causing weight gain is a myth. However, I also believe that I am most likely to oversnack or eat unhealthily in the evenings after dinner. I am just weaker at that time. And there's no work distraction. Plus, there's the whole treating myself for the day's accomplishments thing. I don't eat EVERY night, but I do snack after dinner most nights. And while lately I've been getting a handle on my portions and I'm eating healthier overall, I simply don't need the extra food at night. And I feel if I can get completely out of the habit of eating late at night, I will save myself thousands of unneccesary calories over time.

I also have to remember that to lose weight, I have to feel a LITTLE hungry sometimes. When I eat enough to stay satisfied throughout the day, I maintain my weight. The only way I'm able to actually shift any weight is to allow myself to feel hungry sometimes. Not the kind of hunger where I start seeing burgers and fries in the cloud formations but just a peckish kind of hunger where it would be nice to eat, but I can ignore the slight discomfort. I HAVE to feel that way at least a little to lose weight. And its okay to feel a little hungry.

Anyway, so despite feeling a bit genuinely hungry last night before I went to bed, I didn't give in and eat and when I got up again I had my first loss in a few days. I'm close to getting into the 150's and it feels really good.

Oh, I had an epiphany over the treadmill last night, btw. While I was walking yesterday, I kept thinking about what I should put on the blank wall in front of my face as a distraction while I'm walking but I couldn't come up with any ideas other than that I don't like walking with my back to the room. I just hate having my back to the room - which is why my desk is sitting in the middle of the office facing out. While I was trying to fall asleep last night, a light bulb went off and I realized I CAN TURN THE TREADMILL AROUND. Genius, huh? Sometimes my brilliance scares me.

The Treadmill Chronicles

So, its hotter that hot here (like, um, super, really hot) and I haven't been wanting to go into the garage to workout because its so hot and stuffy (dirty, dusty, spidery & smells like car oil) in the garage where the workout gear is. I only ever use the treadmill (I feel silly using the weight-bar and the recumbent bike seat doesn't go far enough forward for my comfort) so I had the bright idea that I would move the treadmill into my cool, air-conditioned (spider-free [I hope!!!]) bedroom. As you know, hubby is always out of town and is currently, so I figured I'd just move it myself and it wasn't a big deal.

On Saturday, I'm chatting with him on the phone and I remembered my plan to move the treadmill and mentioned it. In a word, he went apeshit. I know why...he's more tired of being out of town all the time than I am. He's frustrated because he bought all that exercise equipment and now he's never home to use it. He had a vision of creating an at-home gym in the garage and now I, in his absence, am proposing breaking that dream apart by removing the central figure, the treadmill.

His first argument was that it was too heavy, I'd bang holes in the walls and couldn't I wait for him to get home and then he went into the whole why do I have to move the damn thing in the first place to he f'ing hates being out of town all the time.

Funnily enough, I haven't had as hard a time with his absence lately because we're just so accustomed to it and I'm SO DAMN HAPPY to be back home and out of hotels. But, I can totally commisserate because if I had to live 95% of the time away from home, I'd go baglady mad in no time.

Anyway, so after I let him rant for a good 20 minutes, I got him off the phone with promises that I would leave the treadmill and then promptly moved the treadmill.

BTW, you can remind me here how I have a gym membership that has a LOT of treadmills and other nice equipment in cool, air-conditioned rooms. I realize I am paying for a gym membership that hasn't been used in months. Truly, one day I will start using it again. Really I will.

The treadmill was surprisingly easy to move because it folds and has wheels. I had my 13 year old to help and we didn't put nary a scratch on the walls. Because my bedroom is so huge and largely unused, the treadmill disappeared into its hollowed depths without a problem. Its a little strange to be staring at a blank wall 2 feet in front of my face while walking toward it at a very fast pace, but I guess I'll either get accustomed to that or put some pictures up.

And, btw, I can now walk at 3.2 MPH! May not seem like much, but my legs and stride are so short I only use about an eighth of the length of the treadmill. I also jogged a bit yesterday, despite feeling a bit stuffy still. I felt way better afterward so maybe those health nuts are right that exercise can help you feel better when you have a cold.

Just Sick & Weigh-In

I've been fighting off a cold for a few days but it's set in good now. I feel like every shade of crap possible.

Yesterday I had decided I should refrain from exercising so my body can concentrate on killing off those cold germs. I was looking forward to an early night with a book. Until my daughter spilled an entire cup of tea on the carpet. And since I had to get the steam vac out, I decided I should do the entire living room since I've been wanting to do that anyway. (And it needed it!) It alwasy amazes me how dirty the water looks considering we steam vac every few months.

So, anyway, it took me nearly 2 hours to get the job done and by that time it was after 10pm. I was literally swaying, dead on my feet. I barely had the energy to crawl into bed.

Not surprising that I feel worse today. Suffice it to say, I'm going to bed early tonight!!!

Here are my weigh-in numbers:

Weight: 163.0
Loss: 1.0

A new low, even if barely lower than my last new low - I'm still happy with the numbers :)

Surprising Results

I was being sarcastic, btw. Yesterday I stayed on plan, exercised, journaled and didn't eat before I went to bed. Lo and behold, I had a lower number on the scale this morning. Not rocket science, is it?

Yesterday, I ate:

1 8oz glass OJ (cuz I have a cold at the mo)
1 cup coffee w/ skim milk and 2 tsp sugar
1 piece homemade french toast, plain

1 cup grapes
1/2 cup broccoli in low-fat cheese sauce

6 oz low-fat choco milk
1 large banana

Very small steak, broiled
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
2 cup spinach salad w/ low-fat vinagarette

I did 20 minutes cardio/strength training dvd and 20 minutes on the treadmill. Since I've had this cold, its been difficult to work out for longer periods of time; my energy is pretty low at the moment.

Still, an excellent day all in all. I hope to do as well today so I can have a good weigh-in tomorrow.

I'm Back

Back in California and back on plan. I came home with a weight of 163.4 (yay!!!) so I did really well while I was out of town, considering all the eating out, road-trip type snacks, full-cal sodas and not having easy access to exercise equipment or videos. I managed to do some form of exercise everyday, although I was missing the Pilates moves. I wasn't going to get onto any of those hotel floors, that's for sure!

I've started writing in my weight loss journal again and I'm back to eating much healthier foods.

We landed back home yesterday at 2 am. Yesterday we just rested and I got some errands done, some food in the fridge, that kind of thing. Today is back to a more normal schedule. Its great to be home after being gone for 10 days!

Unfortunately, hubby is leaving again today! Isn't that crazy? In fact, they wanted him to stay up in WA longer than the 10 days, but I had to come home to get our paychecks in the bank! (Yeah, our company is majorly behind the times with no direct deposit.)

So we have made it official with the powers that be in our company that we are moving to Washington in approx 6 months. I wanted to move before the kids started school again, but I don't see how we could afford to do that.

I'm not certain how I feel about moving. It will be great to have hubby home much more often (where we plan on moving, he worked within a couple hours drive the entire time we were in WA) and I won't miss the heat of Redding! (We've been in the 90's and 100's since May!!!) But, leaving California will be difficult and we're rather exchanging extreme temps for extreme temps in the opposite direction (it was in the 60's when we left WA). Plus, I LOVE my house here - I seriously doubt we will get as nice a home.

But, we have to live where the work is and the work isn't here. Plus, we will have more employment options since we will be within striking distance of a major city.

Failed

I had a bad night last night - overate again. I knew I wasn't hungry but I was eating. I haven't done that since I started journaling but I haven't been journaling very well on this trip. I did do a workout in the exercise room last night, at least.

Today is an easy day because work is so slow. I'll be taking the kids to the park in a little bit.

Tomorrow morning we're leaving this town and heading to the kids' grandma's house to spend the day. We'll stay the night in the same town and start driving home early on Sunday. I'll be happy to be home! And I can get back into my groove again.

Still Maintaining

I doubt I'm losing at the moment but I think I'm maintaining. At least my pants aren't getting any tighter, but neither are they any looser.

I'm still trying to keep a lid on the calories while eating out all of my meals. We were able to get some healthy snacks (low-cal fruit cups, baby carrots & Fiber One bars) to keep in the hotel room, but our main meals are still at restaurants. And for the last 2 days we've been having McDonald lunches because they have a playland, which allows the kids to burn off some steam from being cooped up in a tiny hotel suite.

Today I ate:

1/4 bagel w/ cream cheese (full fat so I kept the portion to a min)
1 cup coffee w/ 1 tbsp half & half and 2 packets of sugar
4 oz yogurt

1st snack was 1/8 of a left-over veggie calzone & low-sugar diced peaches

Lunch:
Snack-sized chicken wrap
Snack-sized fruit & walnut salad

2nd snack was 2 fig bars and lightly sweetened tea

I'm not sure what I'll have for dinner, but I plan for it to feature a lot of veggies or a large salad. Maybe a taco salad? I read those can been healthy if not in a shell.

Plan on hitting the hotel gym for a late workout after hubby is back and probably after dinner. This particular hotel only offers a couple treadmills and eliptical machines, no weight machines, but I'll do some Pilates work too I think.

We'll still be in WA for another few days. I'll defo be glad when we finally get home!

Quick Update

Just a quick update. I haven't posted in a few days because I've been in Washington with hubby and the rest of the fam. Its been super busy, but mostly in a good way.

Eating has been going okay. I've made some really good choices and some less than good choices. The good thing is that when I've made bad choices, I've at least kept to approximate correct portion sizes. And I haven't eaten to the point of over fullness.

Exercise has been more difficult. I exercised on Thursday before we left but nothing on Friday. On Saturday, I did quite a bit of walking with the kids and some walking on Sunday. Yesterday I hardly did any exercise, but I was chasing the baby around quite a bit. Today I haven't done any exercise at all. I really need to do some upper body and core body exercises. But, I think the hotel we're in now has an exercise room so I can take advantage of that later tonight.

Day 4

Today started out pretty bad and got even worse. Actually, it started last night when I got into a whopper of a fight with dear hubby and went to bed at like 7pm, just to escape the crisis. I woke this morning feeling sorry for myself and deeply unhappy. I skipped the journaling, as I just wasn't in the mood. I climbed over and through the clutter of the hallway and the living room (hubby was left in charge of the kids last night) and swept a stack of dishes aside to reach the coffee pot. I stumbled to the office and grumpily began trolling emails. Twice I went in to talk to hubby to settle things, but he was pretty much unresponsive.

DH and I finally got around to having another go at solving our problems from about 11 am to 2 pm, when we had to start getting ready to go to our daughter's graduation. The good thing is hubby finally saw my POV. It doesn't change anything - we still face each other on opposing sides - but its nice that he at least understands where I'm coming from.

I ate 4 pieces of toast for breakfast and then nothing until after the graduation. I had hubby take me to a one-step-up from fast food taco stand restaurant where I ordered a nice, fattening burrito and ate 2/3s of it. I came home and was going to work out but the house was a wreck and I'm sore from yesterday's workout, so I grabbed a glass of wine and popped Robbie Williams into the stereo and started cleaning instead. I forget that cleaning can be cathartic. By the time I'd got the floor swept and the carpet vacuumed, I felt much better.

I feel a little perturbed with myself for the burrito, but not too badly. I also kinda wish that I'd gone ahead and exercised anyway, but I'm much too tired now. I think I'm just going to chill for the evening and start tomorrow in a better frame of mind.

Inner Migration

So far, so good on the journaling to weight loss. I always scoffed at the idea because I figured I used to write in a journal for years and I was still heavy. But, it's apparently about what you're focusing to write about. Since it's all about "what makes me eat" I'm learning some stuff about me that I knew but didn't know.

Today's entry went back to sugar. When I was a kid, my mother was fanatical about sugar. My parents didn't buy junk food, soda or even juice. Lunch from as far back as I can remember consisted of a squished PB & J and an apple. We had milk (warm by lunchtime) in a thermos. Once, the milk was kinda going off, so my mother added choco syrup to hide the taste of turning milk. We LOVED it lol. That was the only time that happened that I can recall.

I remember being 6 or 7 and sitting at a picnic table, watching a friend of mine eat his lunch. He had a sandwich like mine, only his was cut into triangles and wasn't squished. He also had juice and cookies to go with his sandwich. I also remember being terribly jealous of the kids who got hot lunch because they ALWAYS got juice with their lunch.

My mother was so fanatical about sugar, my parents bought sugar packets so they could dole out ONE to put on our oatmeal. We never had sugared cereal. We never had candy, cookies, cakes, etc. We did not have dessert after dinner, ever.

The only time we got junk food or soda was on very special occasions and holidays. I remember every year my dad's work would host a barbecue. There were always trashcans full of sodas and my sisters and I would gulp down soda after soda, just to get as much as possible while we could. We always grabbed one on the way out, too, and then drank it as slowly as possible to make it last as long as possible.

Both my surviving sister and I are sugar whores as adults. Is it any wonder that we have both struggled with our weights since leaving home? I still get a thrill going to the grocery store when I get to choose to buy a sugared cereal or plain ol corn flakes. Thankfully, I've primarily lost my taste for sugared cereals and a lot of the snack foods kids love (like twinkies) but I still sometimes feel the need to have one just because I can.

Fast forward to today. I have determined 2 times during the day when I am most likely to overeat. The first is during work time and the second is after work during relax time. Here is what I think are the reasons:

1. Work time: I am BORED by my job. It is very rarely challenging. I have been doing the same job for the last 10 years with little variation. I also feel stuck because this is the only job I know I could do to earn as much money as I do and be able to work from home.

When I first started working way, way long ago, I worked as a secretary for Kaiser. It wasn't a hard job and once I'd really gotten efficient at it, I began to feel bored and tired. One day, I bought a bag of coffee-candy to help keep me awake. They were coffee-infused hard candies. Every time I would feel bored or tired, I would pop a candy. Soon, I was taking other candy to work and other sweets. I learned: bored? pop a candy. I gained 20 pounds in 6 months.

I think because candy and sweets were associated with the best holidays and events in my childhood, eating candy when I was bored at work was like imagining yourself on a desert island, with the blue ocean and soft breeze and sun on your skin. It was my escapism to a happier place.

2. Relax time: After spending 6 - 8 hours doing a job I don't like, chasing after a 1 year old off and on all day, cooking and cleaning, doing my workout, by 10 pm when I get ME time I'm DONE. So, I sit down to read a book or watch a movie. Only, these activities aren't that satisfying because I do them almost every night. They're kinda boring now, even the good ones. I feel cheated somehow. I've done what I needed to do, why can't I then have some real enjoyment time? Why is hubby on his computer and not interested in spending time with me? Why can't I just go out and do something with a friend after work? Oh yeah, cuz I don't have friends in this town.

Discontent sinks in. Boredom sinks in. Feeling hard done by sinks in.

Food is my elixir, my distraction, my reward, my love. Candy & Soda = happiness. I DESERVE that happiness for all the things I've done that I don't like to and all the things I don't get to do that I want to.

Last night was no different. I was just sitting down to read a book when I suddenly wanted some of the kids' cereal. My stomach contracted as though I was honestly hungry, even though I KNOW I couldn't possibly be hungry because I had a good sized dinner. I so badly wanted that cereal, I could already taste it. It knew would make me feel good. I would feel good if I ate that cereal. I would have my food and my book and I would be HAPPY.

Except that I know I won't. Maybe for the first bite or two, but then 2 things will happen: 1. The food will ultimately be a let-down. It never tastes as good as I imagined it would. It doesn't satisfy. It isn't what I REALLY wanted, so I would go on a quest for what I REALLY want and end up eating and eating until I can't eat any more. 2. I will feel really, really bad about myself for giving in. I will gain weight instead of lose and I will feel I failed again.

Food will NOT make me happy.

Food does NOT = happiness. Food does NOT = reward.

This is my new mantra. Remember in Finding Nemo, when the white shark was trying to stop eating fish? His mantra was: Fish are friends, not food. My mantra is: Food is nourishment not happiness.

I need to find a new reward system for myself.

Day 2

I am having a much better day today. Here's what I've eaten so far:

Coffee w/ non-fat milk & 2 tsp sugar
Light whole-grain English muffin w/ light margarine
1 cup of sliced fresh strawberries
Chicken enchilada diet frozen dinner
Light ice cream bar (100 cal)
3 glasses of water

Not sure what I'm going to have for dinner yet.

I also got my exercising in (20 mins intermediate Pilates & 65 mins on the treadmill). I still have a few hours of work to do thanks to a late start. Although, I'm seriously considering ditching the work and just chillin the rest of the evening. I'll see how I feel.

Tomorrow, I really need to have an early start.

Re-Charge

We had a good weekend, the fam and I. Yesterday my 13 year old had a pre-graduation (from middle school) party and today we went to a local museum to see Sue, the T-Rex. We also took the kids to a kind of petting zoo, although all they really had to pet today was some sheep and dogs. But, that's living in the boonies for you.

I did horribly with my diet yesterday and didn't exercise at all on Friday and Saturday. In fact, I went a day over my 5 free days and lost my goal of 100 days at like 52 days. Not good, eh? I'm starting over, though. Today is Day 1 of exercise/on plan eating. I'll try again for 100 days.

Yesterday I ate all the junk food with the kiddos, including (but not limited to) chips, veggies and full-fat ranch, pizza, soda and cake. I didn't limit myself at all. I wasn't thinking that I had given up on my weight loss efforts and that I would just accept being fat, but I really didn't care what I would weigh today.

Today, of course, I cared a bit more. And I was UP. But, that's okay. I just accepted that today was a new start and I would continue to do the best I could each day. I bought a journal to start writing in so I can figure out what is making me want to overeat. Whenever I feel like eating when I know good and well that I am not hungry, I'm going to write in my journal instead. At least, that's the plan. And I'm not going to worry about the fat/calorie content of everything I put in my mouth; I'm going to concentrate on just not eating past the point when I'm no longer hungry.

Take today, for example. Because we were out running around, we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. I could have gone with a salad or some other low-fat/low-calorie food, but I knew that I would just crave the cheeseburger and feel jilted somehow. I knew I wouldn't actually like eating the salad (I HATE fast-food salads) and I wouldn't be satisfied. So, instead I got a McChicken sandwich (no fries or soda) and had a bite of hubby's burger. And that was it, I was satisfied. I didn't eat a bizilion calories but neither did I feel I got cheated somehow. I had control.

Tonight, we went out to dinner again, to support a friend who has a restaruant. We know its totally not easy for this friend right now, so we try to eat there whenever we can. I ordered a chicken burrito. I ate less than half and boxed the rest. I didn't cut the burrito first or make a decision on how much I would consume before I started eating. Instead, I ate until I recognized that I was no longer hungry and then I stopped. I also ate a few of the tortilla chips. But, not more than half a dozen and I was happy with that.

I still want to focus on eating healthy foods, but not to the point where I feel I can't eat a burger when I don't want a salad. I want to eat healthy, but I want a healthy relationship with food more.

I wrote my first journal entry this afternoon. I wasn't fighting wanting to eat, but I wanted to get the ball rolling. I wrote out a committment to myself to try to get to the cause of my overeating. I then wrote the 5 things I am happy with in my life (because I want to learn to focus on the positives and not the negatives as I tend to dwell) and then 5 things I am working on improving in my life.

We did a bit of walking today and then I followed that up with a Pilates DVD. This was an intermediate workout I'd borrowed from the library and, you know, I was able to do most of the exercises! I'm still not as limber as the girls on the DVD, but I can do the Roll-Up! I can do full sit-ups and hold myself on my butt with my feet in the air and my back in the air! I remember when I couldn't do a tenth of the beginner exercises. I've really come a long way with my fitness and that is definitely something to be proud of.

I know my journey has been cluttered with trip hazards and I have fallen off the wagon more times than I can count, but the important thing is that I keep trying, I keep getting on that damn wagon and I keep working to an improved, happier lifestyle. I just have to take it one day, one stumble at a time. And focus on the triumphs!